Even In My Darkest Hour...

I WILL SING

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

I will sing
I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing
I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans
You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that's in my heart

I will sing
I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing
I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Waiting for Godot.

Waiting for Godot -- this has been a long-standing joke amongst my Ateneo friends. after taking this up for Philosophy class in college, we'd always use the phrase when describing things or situations that never actually happen. yes, much like how it was in Waiting for Godot. because Godot never comes.

and so today, i see parallelisms to how i feel about the whole R-US-coming-home-or-writing/calling-home-even thing. it is so much like the feeling when you're "waiting for Godot" and *sigh, he never comes. because the ball is not in my hands, but in his, so i am left waiting and waiting and waiting... :(

i don't know why i am letting my frustration take hold of me. after all, i've been giving you guys all that pep talk about "putting on God's armor" et al. and what? am i realizing i am nothing like the ideal soldier? am i more like the frightened chicken, someone hiding in the shadows instead of standing in the light?

sadly so, this is how i feel today. i even wrote a letter to R this morning -- a letter about... well... letting go. do not get me wrong, it is nothing like giving up. that is not what i am doing! more like letting go of being caught up in this whole thing. letting go of aaaalllllll that waiting and looking forward when all i ever, ever do is set myself up for the trap. and i always end up disappointing myself anyway. so yes, i do not want to wait. i do not want to wait for Godot.

needless to say, i am still hopeful. it is just that, right now... the best thing to do is to let God take all this away from me. because i am not a very strong person. i am at my wits' end. and it is driving me crazy thinking of what i should do. and at this point, i feel...helpless. and i desperately want to do things God's way. and the other day, while talking to R over the phone, i realized i didn't even ask myself WWJD... and it saddens me that i made the wrong move all over again. i want to be able to think about that first, to consider my steps before i even act, think or speak. because without doing so, i feel like i am getting nowhere. in fact there are times when i feel i am moving backward instead of onward.

i am frustrated. and it sure feels like the end of the world sometimes. but no, this is not giving up. this is more like NOT waiting for something that won't come but sitting prettily, happy with all that God has given me NOW... then because i am not expecting him, i will be ecstatic when Godot finally comes. :)

When Discouragement Comes

i suppose that when one is drawing closer and closer to God, the devil double-times and tries to discourage you and pull you away even! yes, discouragement came today, in a form that i would not even imagine. but i am not discouraged one bit.

the book i am reading says that once we are born again, the Spirit of God lives in us. in fact, God IS in us, and His Spirit dwells in our hearts. therefore, we have the power to cast the devil and his demons away. we can tell that darn devil off! i have a verse in my head that says: I will wait on the Lord. He has given me strength and courage! and so... yes, may evil depart from me, because i will not be won over by discouragement, even if the sky is dark and the horizon looks bleak. God wants this victory even more than i do, SO I WILL WAIT ON THE LORD AND HIS PERFECT TIME.

Funn-eeeee...

the other night, as i was tucking A in, we had the following conversation...

mommy: A, do you love mommy?
a: yyyeeeessss!!! (hugs me tight)
mommy: how much do you love mommy?
a: (thinks to herself for about 3 seconds) uhhhh... 20 pesos?

:P hehehe.

~~~

edited at 6:42pm - i just had to add this...

i called A at about 530 this afternoon and asked her what she was doing...

mommy (on the phone): A, what are you doing?
a: i'm coloring Hello Kitty on the coloring book...
mommy: ah... ok... do you miss mommy? do you want mommy to come home already?
a: (gives a deep sigh) but mom-meeee, the moon isn't working yet!!!

i suppose she meant that the sun was still up and that i should only come home when it's already dark, but haha... what a way to exclaim her opinion no? i just love how innocent she is! :)

Vengeance... isn't mine.

the odd thing about being close to God and having Him take hold of your life's steering wheel is this... you get convicted, right away. RIGHT AWAY. it's like the Holy Spirit sends you shock waves automatically. well not really asap, but hmmmm... more like, once you think about it and pray for it... if it's the wrong thing, then you're quick to know it.

ok, ok... so vengeance isn't mine. it's the Lord's, and if life is unfair... heck, if others are unfair to me, then so what? that's how life is, and that's how they were brought up to be, think and act. the thing is, K, you're different. i'm different. so K... WWJD? what would Jesus do? will he say... "an eye for an eye, buster!"... "you hanged me on a cross, so let me see you die!"???? errrr... no. in fact, Christ died on the cross for us sinners, in spite of the fact that we sent Him to die on the cross. He died for you and me. so what business do i have punishing others for their being unfair when God is always fair anyway?

so there. yea, yea... convicted. and ouch. this means, no news blackout. and well... last night, when i stood there by the glass window, i felt God's presence. i felt Him holding my hand. and yes, i am grateful that He is my Lord, and that He will never leave me nor forsake me... even when the going gets tough. and the going will get tough, but His promises are clear-cut. i will reach the finish line. it doesn't matter how painful it will be to get there, what matters is, i will get there. :)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:8

Daddy on the mobile phone. Well, on the pretend mobile phone.

ok, so i was watching season three of grey's anatomy last night, when alexa came in the room talking on her fake mobile. t'was the one from Mickey D's and at first it didn't seem extraordinary, but then when i decided to pay attention, i noticed she was actually pretending to be talking to rey...

a: daddy, are you in america? daddy is lost?
(waits a while, i suppose she was pretending to hear R's response)
a: why don't you call A, daddy? you are very 'ritating! (i am thinking that she meant irritating since she's been hearing this word from me a lot lately, especially when she plays her gameboy and its irritating sounds so close to my ear)
a: come home now, daddy. A wants to sleep already and A is on the show in nick'lod'on dancing with sam, the one in high school musica'. i said come home, ok?
(pauses a bit)
a: ok, i will sleep now. i love you! i love you! daddy, i love you!
(she then turns to me)
a: wala na e. daddy closed the celphone.

i looked at her and she gives this exasperated look. she turns and leaves the room and yells at her nanny for milk. she later comes in, gives me a smile... gets in bed, hugs me then she kisses my shoulder and says: A misses daddy. i love you, mommy, goodnight.