Tracker Sees You.

whether you google or yahoo or use whatever search engine, or go directly to my blog... my tracker sees you.

whether you use the search parameters: Richard Catral, Richard Tarugs, Richard blahblahblah, AC (at talagang nandamay pa ng bata!), KC, and so on... my tracker sees you.

whether you switch net providers, or laptops, etc... my tracker sees you.

whether you log in from the Philippines, San Francisco, Hayward, Texas, Bohol, etc... my tracker still sees you.

what's my point?

the tracker tracks you from the time you first visit my blog. it knows exactly who you are. where you are. what your digits are. what your ip address is. etc. etc. etc.

now. the question here is: do you want me to post your id so the whole world may know who you are? regardless, God knows exactly who you are and what your heart feels. He knows exactly what you are thinking of this very minute. you may be able to fool the people around you, you may be able to hide your identity from others (because i am not of the same homewrecking, desperate-type that you are), but GOD KNOWS.

His vengeance is more powerful than mine and other wives combined. i may not understand why you choose to go down that path. you deserve a man who is free. a man who will not lie to you. a man who will not label you as EMERALD SABRINA, SLIMMERS DIANE, PIEDRA MAY, or what-have-you... (he has to label you with the place he first met you, because aside from numbers, my husband is very bad with names). so if i were you, i'd think twice before heading towards a future that includes hell in your itinerary. God bless you all.

10 Reasons Not To Date A Married Man

By Mark Goulston, M.D.
(Got this from the Net)

There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:

1. He won't commit to a future with you. A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.

2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like. You are evidence of his avoiding dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.

3. Hiding is exhausting. Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.

4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too. He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.

5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife? The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her he wants out.

6. Lose his respect and it's over. Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."

7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice. Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.

8. You're kidding yourself. Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.

9. Beware the guilt boomerang. Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.

10. Time is too precious to waste. Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.

all these points remind me of T and our confrontation over at GJ last February. T, remember your line? your "I'm not a homewrecker! Whasyourfroblem?!!" line? i pray you find someone who will love you exclusively. don't settle for leftovers.

What If This Happened To You?

so you're standing in line at some self-service grill place, and your kid and her nanny are seated at a table waiting for you. your hubby went to park so you let groups go ahead so you can decide what to get.

it is rush hour (dinner) so more people come to line up behind you. hubby comes and can't find you in the crowd. proceeds to sit with your kid and nanny, although not exactly beside but across, such that it appears they aren't quite together (unintentionally, of course).

then you hear the two ladies behind you have the following conversation:

girl 1: uy, nakita mo ba yung gwapo na yun, yung naka-cream stripes?
girl 2: san? san?
girl 1: yun o. boylet yan ni T, patay na patay nga yan kay T e. dami nilang pics sa friendster. piolo nga tawag ni T dyan.
girl 2: sino si T?
girl 1: si T!!! yung sa hospital, sa ano... (proceeds to mention doctors' names, hospitals, etc).
girl 2: ah... oo nga. e ang gwapo naman yan. di naman kagandahan si T a.
girl 1: ano naman sya e, baby face...
girl 2: e diba taken na si T?
girl 1: syempre, when the cat is away, the mouse will play.
girl 2: hahahaha. sira.
girl 1: shucks. may asawa na ba yan? (notices that your hubby reaches out to your kid, and talks to your nanny)
girl 2: san? e kinakausap nya yung bata. baka asawa nya yan. (referring to your nanny whose back is towards them)
girl 1: baka nga. affair! (laughs really loud) teka, dala ko ba phone ko?

your hubby then gets up and heads toward you. he hands you a 500-peso bill and you say "uy, kilala nila yung girlash mo o." but he doesn't quite hear, so he shrugs and walks back to the table.

the two ladies are of course, dumbfounded. that finally shut them up, you think.

later down the line, you notice them texting and whispering but you don't even bother looking back. your kid comes up to you and says "daddy says don't order na drinks, water lang, but i want gulaman." just when you were about to pay, the hubby comes up again and says "upo ka na, ako na dyan." much to the shock of the two ladies behind you.

One Tough Momma.

ok, so where am i coming from here? yesterday, Pastor D spoke on perseverance... on how trials come to toughen you up. today, i was able to apply his preaching. funny how yesterday, as i sat there, i laughed at his illustration on how one should continue on praising God in the midst of trials, only to find myself faced with a trial this morning. so i struggled with it, and remembered his words (or the Bible's, rather): "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you experience troubles of many kinds..."

when i entered the conference room for my meeting, i told A about what Pastor D preached on yesterday and how i am applying it to my situation. PRAISE GOD for trials, because they toughen you up.

if there is one thing i have learned in the past two tumultuous years, it is how i should depend solely on God and not on men. of course there are people sent by God to help you out of your situation, but God wants us DESPERATELY dependent on Him. who is the first person you run to for help in times of trouble? why not call on God first thing as He is MORE THAN ABLE?

TO BE JOYFUL in spite of hard times is a test of faith. but wouldn't you consider it PURE JOY that it is God who can lift you out of your depths of despair? who but Him is your BEST HELPER? A, J, K and i laughed our heads off this morning as i mumbled "Thank you, Lord, for giving me a husband like R!" but when i look back, i smile because can you just imagine the wonderful ways God can remedy my situation? it will be more than i have ever imagined!

i see my problems from a DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. i've said it before but i'll say it again: God is finishing His work in me. He is honing my testimony. i don't even see R the same way i used to see him in the past. i don't even see my situation as miserable (would you believe?). i am THANKFUL for my situation. it has made me closer to God. it has taught me a lesson on unconditional love. God is PERFECTING MY FAITH.

so why do i hope when all seems bleak? when my situation seems helpless? I HOPE IN HOPE. i hope in Him who says "...ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR THE ONE WHO BELIEVES."

not to say that i do not cry. not to say that i do not get hurt. i have probably had more than my fair share of pain. hence, i am blessed, to say the least. but i am not giving up. my eyes are set on the goal. and I WILL FINISH MY RACE.

one day, when my kids look back at the life i've led, i wish for them to learn one thing: that i lived my life for God, not knowing what's on the next bend, but expecting God to meet me at the end of my journey with open arms. GOD IS MY REFUGE AND STRENGTH.

Closer Than You Think

Today's Scripture

"Do not cast away your confidence, for it carries a great reward" (Hebrews 10:35).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria

Have you been praying and believing for something that seems like it's taking a lot longer than you thought? Many times, people can miss God's best simply because they give up before they see their "due season" come. Don't let that be you! Be encouraged today, your answer is closer than you think. If it seem like things are getting more difficult, remember, when the intensity heats up, that means you are closer to your victory. It always seems darkest just before the dawn arrives. You serve a faithful God, and He's working behind the scenes on your behalf. Don't cast away your confidence today because your reward is coming. And just like a new mother forgets about her labor pain when she is finally holding her newborn, you'll forget about your struggle when you are holding on to your promise. While you are waiting, keep an attitude of faith and expectancy. Wake up every morning and say out loud, "I've come too far to give up now. My due season is coming. I will reap my harvest." Stay in faith and look for His hand of blessing because He has promised you victory and it's closer than you think!

A Prayer for Today

Father in Heaven, today I stand believing that You are working behind the scenes on my behalf. Give me Your strength to continue believing until I see Your promises fulfilled in my life. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Prep School Life, Oh Her Prep School Life!

our daughter is now in Prep. her work load is overwhelming, to say the least. every day, she comes home with a bag full of homework and activities. quizzes are scheduled every week (sometimes 3-4 in a given week). nyar.

not that i want to complain. she breezes over all her English subjects (math, reading, language, science, etc). thanks to her constant addiction to workbooks (we buy her about 3-5 new ones each month). but with Filipino, it's a whole different ball game.

actually, we never really thought about talking to A in tagalog when she was younger. even her nanny was tasked to talk to her in English (yea, yea, K's pet peeve, hey, we're talking about the freshie who aced the grammar competency test in Ateneo! *cough* hehe, don't ask me where it all went, ask my husband, hehe). one incident however changed all that and had us determined to teach her to speak in the native tongue. see, back when i was still chummy-chum-chum with one of the ex-PBB... uh... housemates (hmm, i wonder where she is nowadays? last time i saw her was on my hubby's digicam. apparently, they're now friends, and have the same embassy-ascend-alchemy-jaipur-what-have-you clique), she took A inside the PBB house, where A met one of the directors and the other peeps behind PBB. and this conversation ensued:

Director: Hi! Anong name mo?
Ex-PBB Housemate: What's your name daw?
A: A!
Director: Hi, A! Ang pretty mo naman. Gusto mo bang mag-artista?
A: Oo...
Director: Para pareho kay ni Ate (names Ex-PBB HM)...?
A: Oo...
Director: Sinong mas maganda sa inyo ni Ate (names Ex-PBB HM)?
A: Oo...

when our nanny realized that her ward can't become a celebrity because she couldn't speak Tagalog, she started teaching A simple words. today, A speaks in broken tagalog. "Gulat ako" "Ano pakain mo for A?" and all those funny broken tagalog phrases, which hey, i attempt to correct, but to no avail.

so anyway, because i've been spending more time teaching A (we didn't need to teach her a thing last year, since everything was easy as pie for her, what with her workbooks at 1st and 2nd grade levels already), i have been struggling with teaching her Filipino. last week, she had a "quiz" on Alpabetong Filipino, where she had to memorize all letters that are Patinig, Katinig and those Hiram na Titik (kayo, alam nyo yun?). The quiz was announced the day before. and because it was the first time for us to see her Filipino notebook that day the quiz was announced, i couldn't help but despair on how to explain to A what those letters are. i explained it in English, and she got it naman after a few tries (yea, we got through studying at 1130pm, and by then, she was already running a fever). she aced the test though with a perfect 40/40 and a big "O" for "Outstanding", so yey!

because of that test, i figured i should make note of every single lesson she brings home each day just so i can review it with her, in case her Filipino teacher springs another surprise. we started with words that begin with or contain the Patinigs A through U (i got it from her Binhi book, which she brought home for homework). see, i have to work with A in such a way that simple words such as aso, araw, apoy, etc. are translated into English. as a result, we already have a mini English-Filipino dictionary of some sort. there were about 8 words per vowel, so i figured it'd be pretty easy as long as we prepare for any upcoming quiz. true enough, a quiz was announced Wednesday. the quiz was to be on Friday (today). and i was glad that her teacher announced the quiz two days early so at least we'd have enough time to go through what A had already started to learn. but then when i read the notice in her homework notebook, it said "pag-aralan ang mga salita sa BINHI at WIKA"! that's two books! and when i got all the words for all the Patinigs from both books, it summed up to about 20-25 words per vowel! how'd you expect a 6-year-old to learn more than a hundred new Filipino words in two days?!

funny how you have to be very graphic when teaching A. it works well for spelling so i figured i should do the same for Filipino. i go through each word, and what i cannot explain in drawing or English, i draw plus demonstrate. example: ARARO which is PLOW in English. since she doesn't know what a plow is, i drew it for her (with matching carabao and farmer plus field) and demonstrated how a farmer plows his field by walking around the room with an invisible plow. :P last night, at about 1115, we were going through the U words, i was trying to make her remember the Filipino word for HUT, which is KUBO (since she kept getting the same mistake). so aside from showing her a picture, i told her "diba, you know the song Bahay Kubo?" to which she replied with a "nooooo..." but then a few seconds later, her face lit up and she gleefully said, "yes! yes! i know Bahay Kubo!" then she stood up, placed her right hand across her chest and sang... "Bahay Kubo, Perlas ng Silanganan..." ayayay! :P

we worked through Wednesday and Thursday ('til late at night) and in the car each morning, with A "testing" her dad since it makes it easier for her to remember the right answers when R purposely makes a mistake. and today, she came home telling me that the test was a little hard but she prayed before the test and got only 3 mistakes (haay, salamat! i thought she was coming home with a red mark!). i checked her results page and true enough, she got a 38/41, an "HS" for Highly Satisfactory or i dunno... "High Score"? R is relieved. nakakaawa na daw kasi yung bata, ang dami sobra ng inaaral, akala mo college. and being the loving dad that he is, he told me we should get A something to reward her for her hard work. :)

this is just Prep. what do kids do in grade school nowadays?!

The Voice of Truth

we were supposed to catch Casting Crowns last Saturday, but tickets were all sold out. people were literally standing in front of the Sommet Center hawking for extra tickets, some even holding up signs that said "i want YOUR tickets, sell me some". so we skipped that. it would have been fun to watch Casting Crowns live. they are my favorite group right now.

i was able to catch Chris Tomlin though and a talk featruing Louie Giglio over at the Renaissance, but yea, missing Casting Crowns was like missing the next big thing. see, unlike the other groups, Casting Crowns holds dear to my heart, with most, if not all, of their songs, having real meaning and great impact in my life. i especially love THE VOICE OF TRUTH as it speaks about the giants one faces in life and how those giants tell you that you will fail. and you rise up against all your giants because you choose to listen to the voice of truth.

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Far, Far Away...

blogging from the US. was gonna blog earlier but i transferred my pics instead (i have it on draft, dami e)... anyway, the flights were terrible. there was a crying baby from Manila to Nagoya to Detroit. poor guy who sat beside the mom and her kid couldn't sleep a wink. i was an aisle away, and even i couldn't get any shut-eye.

i miss home. i miss my family so so much. i do not understand how others can just get up and leave their families to seek happiness elsewhere when your family should be synonymous to just that - happiness. i suppose it's different for others.

was able to go to Opry Mills for about two hours tonight. will be working tomorrow, so i guess that's it for shopping. :P anyway, i am here for a purpose, so i might as well make sure that i fulfill that first. but i have all the directions to all our fave stores ready... hehehe. who knows, i might be able to sneak out for an hour or two. nyar.

Today is Big Mouth Burger Festival Day @ Chili's!

so yea, yea, i convinced my foodie buddy and brother, KW, to head to Chili's for lunch. for today only, they are serving their big-mouth signature burgers (original price @ approximately 320+pesos each) at 88+pesos each only. i received a text message from some unknown source (thank you!) this morning, and my tummy decided that it wanted a Chili's burger for lunch and nothing else.

i was wise (nagbuhat ng bangko!). hehe. i called up Chili's Tomas Morato to book a table for 4. :) anyway, KW and i escaped from our staff meeting at 10 minutes to 12noon to rush to Chili's. Jwas "shy" so she didn't come along (syempre, special mention! hmph!), good thing SS came to the office so we took her with us instead. we got to Chili's and there was this loooooonnnngggg line of people waiting for tables. of course, because i had reserved seats earlier, i went to the front of the line to get our table. but the girl says she doesn't have my name on her list. so i asked her to ask her manager. turns out the manager, Alex, has pretty bad handwriting. the girl did get his advisory on the reservation, but thought he wrote "China" instead of Catral. hohum. good thing my mobile number was on the list, so we were able to get our table.

Amy, our server, informed us that the waiting time for burgers was about 30-40 minutes (you should have seen the faces of all those people waiting for their burgers!). we placed an order for 2 Barbecue Ranch Burgers (for KW and SS), 1 Mushroom Swiss (for me) and a Peppercorn Burger-to-go (for R, who earlier gave his regrets because he was on a "diet" but later texted to say he wanted one...). 40 minutes came and went, and still no burgers. after about 40 more minutes (and after getting a Royal Flush on my Video Poker game!!! woohooo!) and a zillion follow-ups, i called Amy and asked about our burgers and she apologized for the delay, but also said she didn't know when they'd be out from the kitchen. so i asked if she could give us chips, and she gladly gave us a complimentary basket of Nachos and Salsa. :) of course, we gobbled up the chips since we were really hungry already. 10 minutes later, i was already calling Manager Alex's attention, because our burgers were already about 2 hours late! which brings me to conclude that i should have called his attention earlier, because 5 minutes after i talked to him (and a free glass of iced tea later), he came out with our burgers! :)

it was a hearty lunch (and a pretty affordable one too), but hopefully they do better next time. i don't mind the wait but because the burgers came out super late and we were already famished, we forgot to take pics of the meal (and remembered to do so right when we were halfway through our burgers, hehe). Alex says this is the first time for them to do this, so they didn't expect the long wait, alhough ok lang because we were served well anyway. :) yum!

ps. we were waiting so long for our burgers that R came over to Chili's to get his take-out right when we were finishing off our fries. :) walang diet-diet, half-pounder ba naman ang itapat sa yo. :) thanks, Chili's. sa uulitin.

This Weird Peaceful Feeling...

ok, so i should be happy, right? but it is as if i am expecting something bad to happen once again. i have reached the point of peace. acceptance. whatever you call it. my heart no longer thumps with every recall of photos, discoveries, conversations, conspiracy theories, etc. it's like watching a suspense thriller the nth time around and you already know every climax so it doesn't capture you the same way it did the first or second time. sigh.

so why am i fidgeting?

in other news, the Hong Kong trip went fairly well. my mom says i stress out too much. i guess she's right. it's just that... well, ok... no excuses. :( didn't really get to do much shopping because i was busy worrying about this and that. overall, my hubby behaved, save for one incident where A exclaimed to the whole world: "you know what, Nana, daddy talked to a girl from the 6th floor in the hotel. he has a new girlfriend." can you even imagine how embarrassing that was? nyar.

my parents are understanding folks. i suppose i made that clear a few posts back. but my brother says my mom worries about me. she carries the burden, and doesn't know how to deal with it. it comes out ugly (read: she sermons me). but i let it pass. she hasn't reached the same point of acceptance. it took me miles and years to get here. i'm not even sure i'm here. yet.

so will this weird peaceful feeling end soon? i am weary. i guess we just have to wait it out and see.

Ah Galing!

whenever A wants to exclaim her awe in tagalog, she says "Ah Galing!" to mean "Ang Galing!" today, as i listened to Charlyne and her daily talk on marriages, she gave these verses of encouragement:

PHILIPPIANS 4:4-9 - "Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy. Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind. The Lord is coming soon. Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected. Do what you learned and received from me, what I told you, and what you saw me do. And the God who gives peace will be with you."

PHILIPPIANS 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength."

PHILIPPIANS 4:19 - "My God will use his wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need."


Ah Galing!

Goodbye, Ace Detective KC!

"para ka palang detective?!"

i can't get these words out of my head. i was talking to my MIL saturday afternoon, and in the middle of my seeking-for-her-advice, she tells me this.

"nothing is impossible with prayer. hayaan mo nalang."

God's message is so clear. He wants me desperately dependent on Him. i cannot do this on my own. i cannot keep searching for evidence that will only hurt me. i cannot change him, only God can do that. i have been playing detective for the past weeks (WIS inquiries and all other things a detective does, and believe me, i am GREAT at it! even my husband says so, hehe), and all it ever did was give me so much pain, and it took away my focus from God. i remember D telling me right before i confronted T at Gloria Jean's that when something is revealed, it doesn't necessarily come from God. the devil comes to deceive and destroy. so expect him to challenge your stand with amazing discoveries that will put you off balance. i can only discover and unveil so much anyway. so i will leave the detective work to God. actually, He doesn't need to snoop around, because HE ALREADY KNOWS. Our God is omniscient so He already knows. i will take my father's and my MIL's advice and leave it all up to God.

~~~

yesterday, during Church service, Pastor S talked about holding on to the true Jesus. i realized that all this time, i was holding the hand of a "limited" Jesus - one that i have limited to my own concept of who He is. as much as i wanted to put my trust in my omnipotent God, i was always taking things into my own hands, doing this and doing that - forgetting and actually setting aside the fact that my God can do everything. so today, i am letting go of that. i will hold on to the one, true God. the One who is able to save me and work the impossible in my life. for my help will come from Him alone.

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

thanks to ultimaplayer25 for uploading the vid on youtube.

"sometimes, He calms the storms in our lives, and sometimes, He just rides 'em with us. But either way, blessed be the name of the Lord." - Mark Hall, Casting Crowns

Grabe Na To!

things are happening too fast.

yes, dugz and i are going crazy with the turn of events. i haven't been able to recover from the previous discovery, and i'm already on to the next. pati si dugz, sumasakit na ang ulo. it is just too much to digest.

but you know what? i was terribly angry earlier this afternoon, so i went to my dad and asked if he can hook me up with one of his NBI friends. and you know what my dad said? "leave it up to God. hayaan mo. let God be the one to discipline them." grabe. why isn't my heart like that?

today, i texted a friend about how hard it is to be a Christian in this evil world. imagine, if i follow that list i made about waiting on God... and i get to the part about WWJD... doesn't Jesus say to forgive 70 x 7?

i now have a headache. the message is so clear, but i am stubborn. 70 x 7? all of them?!!!

grabe, my dad is a good man.

~~~

ps. well it's friday today, and i didn't do anything. i suppose i have no choice but to forgive her. besides, she hurriedly left studio one so i didn't even have to choose between slapping her or telling her i've forgiven her. :P ha!

Ouch.

yesterday, when i opened my email account, i received a timely devotional from Bob. aray ko. here is part of the devotional:

What would happen if your prodigal happened to be using a search word that brought them to your posted report of, "He said...then we...I told her...she uses drugs...we decided to...the other man said..." These are not praise or prayer reports. They are gossip. The person shamed is the one who shared them, not an absent spouse. Yes, we know it is a release to unload these thoughts, but how about sending them in a personal email to us, or to your prayer partner, not to everyone in your address book? If you are serious about seeking marriage restoration, don’t share the garbage with the world. If you enjoy doing this, you may be doing it for a long while. Godly shame is enough for a prodigal to deal with, without shame generated by a misdirected stander.

If you are seriously standing with our Lord Jesus Christ for marriage restoration, spending time in His presence, and doing everything His way, you are insulated from shame, regardless of what your spouse is doing, regardless of the circumstances you are going through. Your obligation is to keep repentance on the forefront of your life.

the rest of the devotional can be found here.

so, i took down the blogs and saved them for my friends. and because i was sick yesterday and took time to read everything i've ever written about (and to, and for) my husband, i realized why i fell in love with him in the first place. my husband, R, is a good man. we've been married for 6+ years, and i love him even more than i ever did before. i know the Lord has great plans for us. the road is narrow, the burden is heavy, but my Jesus will carry me through.

Families ARE NOT Meant to be Broken.

this thought is swirling in my head.

~~~

right now, the events of last week has finally sunk in. i had to down two Panadols (extra strength!) last night just to get my head right. so much for the headache, what about the heartache?

i have been contemplating game plans for the past 24 hours. my constant question to J is "what should i do?" and of course she doesn't give me a decent reply. she doesn't know either.

with the much-dreaded friday looming, i am praying for wisdom. i keep telling myself "c'mon, Kaye. this is nothing compared to all the other things you know." but that's just it. i have learned and am still learning to forgive all of them, and it is easier to do so with the rest of them, because they were deceived into it all. i remember texting T how i wanted to tell her a zillion things when i saw her in Gloria Jean's and in 7-11, but decided that if i was gonna forgive her, i had to do that right then and there. so i texted her and forgave her (i didn't get a reply, but i wanted to let go of 6+ years of torment!). even if she didn't deserve it. even if she didn't seem to want it. no, i do not wish to carry all the bitterness. i don't want foes. my pain shouldn't stop me from showing God's love to all these women... even if they do not deserve it, from me, of all people.

thought balloon: how is it that God chose to bless me with such a colorful life?

because of last week's events, i am faced with a choice - one that is eating me up. sigh. yes, i have never felt this way before. i am feeling very vindictive (dugz, your word for the day). you can choose to hurt me, but once you cross the line and hurt my daughter, it's a different story altogether. every time i am tempted to give up and fly off to far, far away, i think about my daughter and what this would do to her. as a mother, i am crushed, and i know it is of no question whether to stay or go. of course i want a family for my daughter. that is why i cannot understand how this person chose to shut out that fact, given that we live in such a small, small world. yes (and i know you read my blog), i don't understand. i am angry and if i had my way, i'd slap you right across studio one on friday. but i won't have my way, and I AM NOT LIKE YOU. i will not choose to destroy your family, even if you attempted to destroy mine.

no, families are not meant to be broken. even if it seems like the best solution is to leave everything behind, pack up, and start a new life. it's just sad that it has come to this. that people's concept of sin has been rationalized to justify sin. Pastor Chinkee's message yesterday was perfect! you can attempt to rationalize adultery to just about anything: affairs, one night stands, patikim lang, accidents, etc. etc. but that does not negate the fact that what you did is a sin. thing is, you must face your consequences head-on. you cannot shy away from the fact that you chose to sin. but i will not be the one to judge you for your reasons. i won't be able to understand anyway. just stay away from my family and attend to yours.

Struggling with Forgiveness.

It is almost 6pm, and I have been trying to finish the business plan for a principal all day. But my mind is elsewhere. I hate it when this happens.

As I've mentioned yesterday, there are a zillion things going on, and my mind is spinning with thoughts of what-ifs. Yes, this is not me. I am more on acting on my troubles. I don't sit quietly and wait. But God is telling me to wait. Sadly, my tongue is faster than a speeding bullet (SuperTongue!). Nyar.

So today, I sit here struggling. How can I wait on the Lord when my insides are screaming and my head feels like it is about to explode? Grabe - that is all i can say right now. For 6 years, I have been faced with similar troubles, and with each pain, I struggled with forgiveness. Pastor D, when talking about forgiveness two Sunday services ago, pointed out that when one forgives, he or she must learn not to be historical. Forgiveness entails forgetting it ever happened. Heck, I don't even know where and how to begin. The first time I ever had to deal with anything, I struggled with the thought for two whole years. And I only started to forget about the pain that incident caused me because it was replaced by something even bigger! I'm sorry, Pastor D, but when you mentioned it in your message, I wanted to raise my hand and say "but wives are only historical when history repeats itself!"

And you know what, each time I am faced with a new, yet similar situation, I am reminded of each situation in the past. How, oh how, in the world will I act, think and speak as if it never happened? When I attended Tita T's wake back in November, I met up with L who asked about R. R was still in the US that time. I told her about how I know the devil will not sit on this opportunity to attack our family (as he's done so several times in the past) and that I know all I can really do is pray. She reminded me about my prayer several years ago when I decided to change my perspective on R's life - pray for a forgiving heart.

And since then, I've been asking the Lord for just that... for the grace to show him unconditional and agape love - one that surpasses all understanding. But there are times when I sit there thinking about all that he has done and I find myself with no more love and forgiveness to give. :( But amidst all the anger and pain, I cannot find it in my heart to seek revenge. I have been accused of many, many things. I have been accused of destroying his reputation, of telling my daughter that she has a bad father, of creating Friendster accounts to malign him, of texting his friends about his evil ways, etc. Yes, many things. But you, reader of my blog, know very well how much I love him, how I'd fight for my family, and even how I admit my husband is the better parent! How can someone seeking to protect her family, destroy it by planting evil into it's very core?

I've learned a great deal of things this week - issues I cannot seem to let go of. It has shattered my impression of R and a number of people he's dealt with in the past and present. I cannot even begin to understand why. And it hasn't all sunk in. But my insides are screaming. And screaming. And screaming. Yes, I am struggling with forgiveness. This time, it is doubly hard. For the past two days, I've tried avoiding him. I've stopped talking to him, hugging him, calling him, etc - even when God has prodded me to show him unconditional love.

You know how your kids disobey and yet, even when you want to get mad for the rest of your life, you just can't? Well, it's the same with R. I just can't. I now see him through my Father's eyes... Okay, I am trying to see him that way. I know I have to forgive him and I do. But I can't say I completely have, because I am still struggling with the thought of it all. No, I don't know where to begin. So i read through my blogs, and I read through the emails I sent him when he was in the US. Because i needed to re-learn how to let go and let God.

So the other night, I listed down Ways on How to Wait Patiently on the Lord. I came up with twelve.

1. BE QUIET AND GENTLE. (1 Peter 3:1-4) *struggle* I can't even hold my tongue! Today, as he left for the gym, I kept muttering "Ang kapal nya a! Grabe! Grabe!"

2. DEFEAT THE DEVIL BY PRAISING GOD IN ALL THINGS - IN ALL SITUATIONS. My father once told me that the devil wants to see if we will still cleave to the Lord even when our situations seem bleak. So you defeat the devil by praising God in spite of your situation.

3. RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO NAG, LECTURE, TALK ABOUT PAST HURTS, ETC. *struggle* Like I said, I am not only historical when history repeats itself. Sometimes, I even get hysterical. :P

4. PRAY! (James 5:16) Need I tell you how prayer can move mountains? Also, the other night I realized that each time I prayed, I prayed about R. I realized that my prayer time became all about R and no longer about God and me. The events in my life are also about my relationship with the Lord, so I quickly had to acknowledge that and changed the contents of my prayers.

5. KNOW THAT GOD IS AT WORK EVEN WHEN WE DO NOT SEE IT. Funny thing happened a few weeks ago. I was struggling with a revelation (something I've been praying for for weeks but have not seen results to) so I confronted R about it only to find out that God has already taken care of the situation. Napahiya tuloy ako.

6. READ THE BIBLE AND EQUIP SELF WITH THE POWER OF GOD'S WORD. PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD. (Deuteronomy 17:19) See, I even found a verse to go with this. Thanks to my daily quiet time, hehe.

7. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. SHOW GOD'S AGAPE LOVE. (Romans 5:8) I was just telling S on Wednesday night... "God forgives us each time we fall short, I want to do the same thing for R." Amazing love.

8. FORGIVE. 24/7. Yea, yea... the non-historical, non-hysterical kind.

9. WWJD. ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WHAT JESUS WILL DO IN THE SAME SITUATION... THEN DO THAT.

10. TRUST IN GOD AND SEE THAT VICTORY IS NEAR! Back in 2004, when R and I started having difficulties, I'd stand on our balcony and swear on giving up. But fancy how Cityland Mega Plaza would always be in view, with Cityland's signature "IN GOD WE TRUST" motto shouting reminders at me - telling me to put my trust in God, not in men.

11. DO NOT TAKE THINGS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. THE LORD IS AT WORK. *struggle* Like I said, I am not the type who'd sit around and mope. I want action. In fact, if I didn't want to do things God's way right now, I'd call someone right now to give her a good piece of my mind. Ha! But God is steering my ship.

12. DON'T LOSE COURAGE OR BE AFRAID. THE LORD IS FIGHTING FOR YOU! (Deuteronomy 20:3-4) Yes, with God as Commander-in-Chief, great is the army fighting for me!

I've often wondered why I have to go through so many troubles. The answer came a few months ago when a friend started going through similar pain. Then a few weeks ago, I got a message from an old acquaintance asking for counselling on her marriage. God is using me to reach out to others and to show them His love. I am comforted by this and even encouraged to know that others are looking to me for strength and answers.

Yes, yes... amazing grace and comfort has come my way - enough to sustain me and give strength enough for each day. I am not Wonderwoman or Supergirl, and I am still struggling with my own pain and how to truly forgive, but the decision to stay and wait on the Lord is FINAL. I will not give up. When any outsider sees how evil has taken over and how ugly this whole thing has become, they'd easily push for divorce or separation. But God is very clear (yes, S, he is!) when He says He HATES divorce. I will do this for God. So in my struggle, let Him be glorified. In my pain, let the devil be defeated with praise. J was right when she told S that I wasn't expecting my rewards on earth. I just want my family to experience God's limitless, unconditional love. That is the legacy I want to leave behind. That is the legacy I choose to leave behind. I am being pruned by the Lord, but at least I will learn the lesson of forgiveness well.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.

I Figured I'd Post Something. :P

ok, so i was on a holiblog. :P i have a lot of things going on (in my head, most especially) but today, i've decided to blog. :)

there are a few things i have decided to do. first off, i am gonna make my blog on Blogger visible once again. i was thinking about it, and i've come to realize that God will be glorified even more when more people hear or rather read about the great things He has done in my life. it will take a while to click on each blog to make it public, but it will happen.

yesterday, i found out about a whole lot of things. things that i cannot even begin to comprehend. but God is great. He sent me comfort and peace. by the time i had my 3rd cry, i was feeling a wee bit on the cheerful side already. and now, i keep laughing it off. :P haay, J.

today, i have decided i will not dwell on what i've learned. instead, it will be as if i didn't know. it is better that way. can you just imagine the scandal? ha! God will deal with them. ang dami nila a. i am tempted to post pics and names and videos and what-nots, but God will fight for me. vengeance isn't mine.

and when next friday comes along... ayayay... so help me God.


ps. so you... yes you, reader of my blog... anonymous stalkers (both in the US and in Manila)... BEWARE. great is the Lord who leads the army fighting for me. i will not be moved.

Facing My Giants.

i wasn't planning on going to the weekly d-group (i haven't been attending anyway since the Christmas Party back in 2006). but because of recent events and since i was already on the phone with D friday night, i decided to drop by.

D was going to show a movie, so i thought it wouldn't hurt to visit, plus i wanted to see if G will show up like she said she would. so i went, and watched. and had the most amazing experience ever. ok, so i've come across movies in my lifetime that had somehow-somewhat the same wow effect, but let me tell you, watching "Facing the Giants" (Sony Pictures) really was an experience in itself. i am not really a sports movie nut. sure, i enjoy sports-themed movies, but Facing the Giants isn't just about football. let me tell you, the rush of emotions was just overwhelming -- i didn't know whether to shout for joy or to cry. this is a great movie! so great, i went out and bought the DVD from odyssey the next day and watched it again last night.

~~~

here are a couple of lines from the movie that had great impact on me:

When you accept defeat, that's what you'll get.

God will send the rain when He's ready; you'd better prepare your field to receive it.

~~~

what are the giants in your life? do you deem them impossible to conquer? God knows how narrow the road i am in right now, but you know what? with God leading the way, tell me, what is impossible for Him?

NOTHING!

~~~

i found out thursday night that a good friend (of mine and R's) has been cheating on his wife for almost a year now. i was one of the few who thought so highly of him, and now this. :( this man was on a pedestal, for tokwa's sake! out of all of R's good friends, he'd be the last person i'd ever think of as a cheating, good-for-nothing, soab... grrrrr.... (ok, calm down, K), but alas, he's been seeing a girl he met from his uh... far country, and has been seeing her here in manila behind his wife's back. so in a series of texts, i tell him that I KNOW. heck, i've been running to him for help and advice and now i found out that he hasn't been helping me out with my situation because he'd be a hypocrite to do so. the thing is, he was trying to squiggle his way out of my accusations, texting me that he "loves his wife and kids". but that doesn't reverse his philandering ways now, does it? it irritates me that someone like him would resort to sin, even when he knows how painful it is to be sinned against. does that make sense? i mean, he knows my pain, and often hears about my pain because i call them up practically every week to tell them about my pain, and yet... here he is, risking it all.

"is it worth it?" i asked him.
"it depends." he replies.

golly, i soooooooooooo want to hit him on the head!

~~~

over the weekend, i saw how much i've changed. God has given me so much to learn the past year. He kneaded me so i can rise. i have learned that the devil CANNOT steal my joy if i do not allow him to do so. i've learned to face my giants head-on. situations come and go and now i know the purpose for each hurtful experience. i am wiser, and a lot stronger. i can stare adversity in the eye and say "ha, my God is bigger than you." it took a while for me to get here. it took a long while, actually. this morning, as i stood in front of our promo girls, i didn't blink when i told them my life is worth a 3-season (maybe 4 or 5) blockbuster teleserye. i don't mind. my life and everything that happened (painful, harrowing, scary et al) was worth it all. i don't mind being the little David that i am, knowing that all the Goliaths of the world will eventually fall.

"The army fighting for me is GREATER than the army fighting against me." i am elated that the Lord is on my side. because, NOTHING is impossible for the Lord.