This Weird Peaceful Feeling...

ok, so i should be happy, right? but it is as if i am expecting something bad to happen once again. i have reached the point of peace. acceptance. whatever you call it. my heart no longer thumps with every recall of photos, discoveries, conversations, conspiracy theories, etc. it's like watching a suspense thriller the nth time around and you already know every climax so it doesn't capture you the same way it did the first or second time. sigh.

so why am i fidgeting?

in other news, the Hong Kong trip went fairly well. my mom says i stress out too much. i guess she's right. it's just that... well, ok... no excuses. :( didn't really get to do much shopping because i was busy worrying about this and that. overall, my hubby behaved, save for one incident where A exclaimed to the whole world: "you know what, Nana, daddy talked to a girl from the 6th floor in the hotel. he has a new girlfriend." can you even imagine how embarrassing that was? nyar.

my parents are understanding folks. i suppose i made that clear a few posts back. but my brother says my mom worries about me. she carries the burden, and doesn't know how to deal with it. it comes out ugly (read: she sermons me). but i let it pass. she hasn't reached the same point of acceptance. it took me miles and years to get here. i'm not even sure i'm here. yet.

so will this weird peaceful feeling end soon? i am weary. i guess we just have to wait it out and see.

Ah Galing!

whenever A wants to exclaim her awe in tagalog, she says "Ah Galing!" to mean "Ang Galing!" today, as i listened to Charlyne and her daily talk on marriages, she gave these verses of encouragement:

PHILIPPIANS 4:4-9 - "Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy. Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind. The Lord is coming soon. Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected. Do what you learned and received from me, what I told you, and what you saw me do. And the God who gives peace will be with you."

PHILIPPIANS 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength."

PHILIPPIANS 4:19 - "My God will use his wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need."


Ah Galing!

Goodbye, Ace Detective KC!

"para ka palang detective?!"

i can't get these words out of my head. i was talking to my MIL saturday afternoon, and in the middle of my seeking-for-her-advice, she tells me this.

"nothing is impossible with prayer. hayaan mo nalang."

God's message is so clear. He wants me desperately dependent on Him. i cannot do this on my own. i cannot keep searching for evidence that will only hurt me. i cannot change him, only God can do that. i have been playing detective for the past weeks (WIS inquiries and all other things a detective does, and believe me, i am GREAT at it! even my husband says so, hehe), and all it ever did was give me so much pain, and it took away my focus from God. i remember D telling me right before i confronted T at Gloria Jean's that when something is revealed, it doesn't necessarily come from God. the devil comes to deceive and destroy. so expect him to challenge your stand with amazing discoveries that will put you off balance. i can only discover and unveil so much anyway. so i will leave the detective work to God. actually, He doesn't need to snoop around, because HE ALREADY KNOWS. Our God is omniscient so He already knows. i will take my father's and my MIL's advice and leave it all up to God.

~~~

yesterday, during Church service, Pastor S talked about holding on to the true Jesus. i realized that all this time, i was holding the hand of a "limited" Jesus - one that i have limited to my own concept of who He is. as much as i wanted to put my trust in my omnipotent God, i was always taking things into my own hands, doing this and doing that - forgetting and actually setting aside the fact that my God can do everything. so today, i am letting go of that. i will hold on to the one, true God. the One who is able to save me and work the impossible in my life. for my help will come from Him alone.

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

thanks to ultimaplayer25 for uploading the vid on youtube.

"sometimes, He calms the storms in our lives, and sometimes, He just rides 'em with us. But either way, blessed be the name of the Lord." - Mark Hall, Casting Crowns

Grabe Na To!

things are happening too fast.

yes, dugz and i are going crazy with the turn of events. i haven't been able to recover from the previous discovery, and i'm already on to the next. pati si dugz, sumasakit na ang ulo. it is just too much to digest.

but you know what? i was terribly angry earlier this afternoon, so i went to my dad and asked if he can hook me up with one of his NBI friends. and you know what my dad said? "leave it up to God. hayaan mo. let God be the one to discipline them." grabe. why isn't my heart like that?

today, i texted a friend about how hard it is to be a Christian in this evil world. imagine, if i follow that list i made about waiting on God... and i get to the part about WWJD... doesn't Jesus say to forgive 70 x 7?

i now have a headache. the message is so clear, but i am stubborn. 70 x 7? all of them?!!!

grabe, my dad is a good man.

~~~

ps. well it's friday today, and i didn't do anything. i suppose i have no choice but to forgive her. besides, she hurriedly left studio one so i didn't even have to choose between slapping her or telling her i've forgiven her. :P ha!

Ouch.

yesterday, when i opened my email account, i received a timely devotional from Bob. aray ko. here is part of the devotional:

What would happen if your prodigal happened to be using a search word that brought them to your posted report of, "He said...then we...I told her...she uses drugs...we decided to...the other man said..." These are not praise or prayer reports. They are gossip. The person shamed is the one who shared them, not an absent spouse. Yes, we know it is a release to unload these thoughts, but how about sending them in a personal email to us, or to your prayer partner, not to everyone in your address book? If you are serious about seeking marriage restoration, don’t share the garbage with the world. If you enjoy doing this, you may be doing it for a long while. Godly shame is enough for a prodigal to deal with, without shame generated by a misdirected stander.

If you are seriously standing with our Lord Jesus Christ for marriage restoration, spending time in His presence, and doing everything His way, you are insulated from shame, regardless of what your spouse is doing, regardless of the circumstances you are going through. Your obligation is to keep repentance on the forefront of your life.

the rest of the devotional can be found here.

so, i took down the blogs and saved them for my friends. and because i was sick yesterday and took time to read everything i've ever written about (and to, and for) my husband, i realized why i fell in love with him in the first place. my husband, R, is a good man. we've been married for 6+ years, and i love him even more than i ever did before. i know the Lord has great plans for us. the road is narrow, the burden is heavy, but my Jesus will carry me through.

Families ARE NOT Meant to be Broken.

this thought is swirling in my head.

~~~

right now, the events of last week has finally sunk in. i had to down two Panadols (extra strength!) last night just to get my head right. so much for the headache, what about the heartache?

i have been contemplating game plans for the past 24 hours. my constant question to J is "what should i do?" and of course she doesn't give me a decent reply. she doesn't know either.

with the much-dreaded friday looming, i am praying for wisdom. i keep telling myself "c'mon, Kaye. this is nothing compared to all the other things you know." but that's just it. i have learned and am still learning to forgive all of them, and it is easier to do so with the rest of them, because they were deceived into it all. i remember texting T how i wanted to tell her a zillion things when i saw her in Gloria Jean's and in 7-11, but decided that if i was gonna forgive her, i had to do that right then and there. so i texted her and forgave her (i didn't get a reply, but i wanted to let go of 6+ years of torment!). even if she didn't deserve it. even if she didn't seem to want it. no, i do not wish to carry all the bitterness. i don't want foes. my pain shouldn't stop me from showing God's love to all these women... even if they do not deserve it, from me, of all people.

thought balloon: how is it that God chose to bless me with such a colorful life?

because of last week's events, i am faced with a choice - one that is eating me up. sigh. yes, i have never felt this way before. i am feeling very vindictive (dugz, your word for the day). you can choose to hurt me, but once you cross the line and hurt my daughter, it's a different story altogether. every time i am tempted to give up and fly off to far, far away, i think about my daughter and what this would do to her. as a mother, i am crushed, and i know it is of no question whether to stay or go. of course i want a family for my daughter. that is why i cannot understand how this person chose to shut out that fact, given that we live in such a small, small world. yes (and i know you read my blog), i don't understand. i am angry and if i had my way, i'd slap you right across studio one on friday. but i won't have my way, and I AM NOT LIKE YOU. i will not choose to destroy your family, even if you attempted to destroy mine.

no, families are not meant to be broken. even if it seems like the best solution is to leave everything behind, pack up, and start a new life. it's just sad that it has come to this. that people's concept of sin has been rationalized to justify sin. Pastor Chinkee's message yesterday was perfect! you can attempt to rationalize adultery to just about anything: affairs, one night stands, patikim lang, accidents, etc. etc. but that does not negate the fact that what you did is a sin. thing is, you must face your consequences head-on. you cannot shy away from the fact that you chose to sin. but i will not be the one to judge you for your reasons. i won't be able to understand anyway. just stay away from my family and attend to yours.

Struggling with Forgiveness.

It is almost 6pm, and I have been trying to finish the business plan for a principal all day. But my mind is elsewhere. I hate it when this happens.

As I've mentioned yesterday, there are a zillion things going on, and my mind is spinning with thoughts of what-ifs. Yes, this is not me. I am more on acting on my troubles. I don't sit quietly and wait. But God is telling me to wait. Sadly, my tongue is faster than a speeding bullet (SuperTongue!). Nyar.

So today, I sit here struggling. How can I wait on the Lord when my insides are screaming and my head feels like it is about to explode? Grabe - that is all i can say right now. For 6 years, I have been faced with similar troubles, and with each pain, I struggled with forgiveness. Pastor D, when talking about forgiveness two Sunday services ago, pointed out that when one forgives, he or she must learn not to be historical. Forgiveness entails forgetting it ever happened. Heck, I don't even know where and how to begin. The first time I ever had to deal with anything, I struggled with the thought for two whole years. And I only started to forget about the pain that incident caused me because it was replaced by something even bigger! I'm sorry, Pastor D, but when you mentioned it in your message, I wanted to raise my hand and say "but wives are only historical when history repeats itself!"

And you know what, each time I am faced with a new, yet similar situation, I am reminded of each situation in the past. How, oh how, in the world will I act, think and speak as if it never happened? When I attended Tita T's wake back in November, I met up with L who asked about R. R was still in the US that time. I told her about how I know the devil will not sit on this opportunity to attack our family (as he's done so several times in the past) and that I know all I can really do is pray. She reminded me about my prayer several years ago when I decided to change my perspective on R's life - pray for a forgiving heart.

And since then, I've been asking the Lord for just that... for the grace to show him unconditional and agape love - one that surpasses all understanding. But there are times when I sit there thinking about all that he has done and I find myself with no more love and forgiveness to give. :( But amidst all the anger and pain, I cannot find it in my heart to seek revenge. I have been accused of many, many things. I have been accused of destroying his reputation, of telling my daughter that she has a bad father, of creating Friendster accounts to malign him, of texting his friends about his evil ways, etc. Yes, many things. But you, reader of my blog, know very well how much I love him, how I'd fight for my family, and even how I admit my husband is the better parent! How can someone seeking to protect her family, destroy it by planting evil into it's very core?

I've learned a great deal of things this week - issues I cannot seem to let go of. It has shattered my impression of R and a number of people he's dealt with in the past and present. I cannot even begin to understand why. And it hasn't all sunk in. But my insides are screaming. And screaming. And screaming. Yes, I am struggling with forgiveness. This time, it is doubly hard. For the past two days, I've tried avoiding him. I've stopped talking to him, hugging him, calling him, etc - even when God has prodded me to show him unconditional love.

You know how your kids disobey and yet, even when you want to get mad for the rest of your life, you just can't? Well, it's the same with R. I just can't. I now see him through my Father's eyes... Okay, I am trying to see him that way. I know I have to forgive him and I do. But I can't say I completely have, because I am still struggling with the thought of it all. No, I don't know where to begin. So i read through my blogs, and I read through the emails I sent him when he was in the US. Because i needed to re-learn how to let go and let God.

So the other night, I listed down Ways on How to Wait Patiently on the Lord. I came up with twelve.

1. BE QUIET AND GENTLE. (1 Peter 3:1-4) *struggle* I can't even hold my tongue! Today, as he left for the gym, I kept muttering "Ang kapal nya a! Grabe! Grabe!"

2. DEFEAT THE DEVIL BY PRAISING GOD IN ALL THINGS - IN ALL SITUATIONS. My father once told me that the devil wants to see if we will still cleave to the Lord even when our situations seem bleak. So you defeat the devil by praising God in spite of your situation.

3. RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO NAG, LECTURE, TALK ABOUT PAST HURTS, ETC. *struggle* Like I said, I am not only historical when history repeats itself. Sometimes, I even get hysterical. :P

4. PRAY! (James 5:16) Need I tell you how prayer can move mountains? Also, the other night I realized that each time I prayed, I prayed about R. I realized that my prayer time became all about R and no longer about God and me. The events in my life are also about my relationship with the Lord, so I quickly had to acknowledge that and changed the contents of my prayers.

5. KNOW THAT GOD IS AT WORK EVEN WHEN WE DO NOT SEE IT. Funny thing happened a few weeks ago. I was struggling with a revelation (something I've been praying for for weeks but have not seen results to) so I confronted R about it only to find out that God has already taken care of the situation. Napahiya tuloy ako.

6. READ THE BIBLE AND EQUIP SELF WITH THE POWER OF GOD'S WORD. PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD. (Deuteronomy 17:19) See, I even found a verse to go with this. Thanks to my daily quiet time, hehe.

7. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. SHOW GOD'S AGAPE LOVE. (Romans 5:8) I was just telling S on Wednesday night... "God forgives us each time we fall short, I want to do the same thing for R." Amazing love.

8. FORGIVE. 24/7. Yea, yea... the non-historical, non-hysterical kind.

9. WWJD. ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WHAT JESUS WILL DO IN THE SAME SITUATION... THEN DO THAT.

10. TRUST IN GOD AND SEE THAT VICTORY IS NEAR! Back in 2004, when R and I started having difficulties, I'd stand on our balcony and swear on giving up. But fancy how Cityland Mega Plaza would always be in view, with Cityland's signature "IN GOD WE TRUST" motto shouting reminders at me - telling me to put my trust in God, not in men.

11. DO NOT TAKE THINGS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. THE LORD IS AT WORK. *struggle* Like I said, I am not the type who'd sit around and mope. I want action. In fact, if I didn't want to do things God's way right now, I'd call someone right now to give her a good piece of my mind. Ha! But God is steering my ship.

12. DON'T LOSE COURAGE OR BE AFRAID. THE LORD IS FIGHTING FOR YOU! (Deuteronomy 20:3-4) Yes, with God as Commander-in-Chief, great is the army fighting for me!

I've often wondered why I have to go through so many troubles. The answer came a few months ago when a friend started going through similar pain. Then a few weeks ago, I got a message from an old acquaintance asking for counselling on her marriage. God is using me to reach out to others and to show them His love. I am comforted by this and even encouraged to know that others are looking to me for strength and answers.

Yes, yes... amazing grace and comfort has come my way - enough to sustain me and give strength enough for each day. I am not Wonderwoman or Supergirl, and I am still struggling with my own pain and how to truly forgive, but the decision to stay and wait on the Lord is FINAL. I will not give up. When any outsider sees how evil has taken over and how ugly this whole thing has become, they'd easily push for divorce or separation. But God is very clear (yes, S, he is!) when He says He HATES divorce. I will do this for God. So in my struggle, let Him be glorified. In my pain, let the devil be defeated with praise. J was right when she told S that I wasn't expecting my rewards on earth. I just want my family to experience God's limitless, unconditional love. That is the legacy I want to leave behind. That is the legacy I choose to leave behind. I am being pruned by the Lord, but at least I will learn the lesson of forgiveness well.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.

I Figured I'd Post Something. :P

ok, so i was on a holiblog. :P i have a lot of things going on (in my head, most especially) but today, i've decided to blog. :)

there are a few things i have decided to do. first off, i am gonna make my blog on Blogger visible once again. i was thinking about it, and i've come to realize that God will be glorified even more when more people hear or rather read about the great things He has done in my life. it will take a while to click on each blog to make it public, but it will happen.

yesterday, i found out about a whole lot of things. things that i cannot even begin to comprehend. but God is great. He sent me comfort and peace. by the time i had my 3rd cry, i was feeling a wee bit on the cheerful side already. and now, i keep laughing it off. :P haay, J.

today, i have decided i will not dwell on what i've learned. instead, it will be as if i didn't know. it is better that way. can you just imagine the scandal? ha! God will deal with them. ang dami nila a. i am tempted to post pics and names and videos and what-nots, but God will fight for me. vengeance isn't mine.

and when next friday comes along... ayayay... so help me God.


ps. so you... yes you, reader of my blog... anonymous stalkers (both in the US and in Manila)... BEWARE. great is the Lord who leads the army fighting for me. i will not be moved.