Understanding Friends

Another thing that baffles me is how some of our friends (that's OUR friends, take note) are tolerant of R's ways. I would think that it would be a real friend's duty (as a real friend, that is) to reprimand a friend of his wrongdoings. But not in the case of most of R's buddies.

R grew up with a bunch of guy friends who belong to a notorious group. Their support for each other surpasses family ties, let me tell you! Once, in a conversation with our good friend A, I asked why, after all these years of knowing of R's womanizing, did he not bother telling R that what he was doing was wrong. His response did not surprise me. They were brothers. They looked after each other and had each other's back. A also said that he was no hypocrite. He went through similar problems in the past, and it would be hypocrisy to tell R off. After all, he was no saint as well.

One of R's gimmick pals, P, could not come up with a good answer when asked why, even though he knew me, met me, ate my famous spaghetti, etc., he accepted the fact that R would take him out to meet many of his many girlfriends. And each time I asked about so and so, P would reply with "Oh, they're just friends." Yea, right. There was a time when I saw pictures of R with P and different women at different times. "Friends". Different women on R's lap. Pictures of them in bed. Pictures of locked lips. Some pictures P even took! Tolerant, accepting, consenting P. Willing accomplice P. And yes, R and his "just friends".

Then there's the officemate friend, who did just the same. And I was so trusting of him because I thought he cared for our family, for our kids. Only to find out how he spread wild lies about me. Reading the emails he exchanged with my hubby while my hubby was in the US brought angry tears to my eyes. And yes, he was a willing accomplice as well.

Once, when attending a party with R's old barkada, his friend G loudly announced that he met a girl he thought R should date. And when I commented on his insensitivity, another friend T came to the rescue with another rude comment about how I was paranoid. Sigh, men!

Even the wives of some of R's friends kept R's secrets. When confronted with the same problem with her own hubby, our friend G could not come to terms with the fact that no one told her about her hubby's affair. And it was only then that I understood why she never told me about what she knew about R. The wives chose to mind their own business only because in their perspective, should it happen to them, they'd be too weak to take the blow. So they kept mum. And of course I became furious when I found out that they all knew, while I was the last to know.

Mind you, these are people I know. People who know me as R's wife. People who are my friends, people who are godparents to our children. And not one, not a single one of them dared to tell R that his womanizing was wrong. In fact, they in a way encouraged it. They accepted R's girl-of-the day during gimmicks, added them to their social networking sites, turned a blind eye to whatever R and his girl did in front of them, and collaborated his story about being single and available.

I guess you cannot blame them. After all, people should mind their own business. And the man who keeps their mouth shut is wise.

It's a different story altogether for R's new friends. But no, they do not deserve my attention, nor do they deserve special mention. Who applauds a friend for his sins? Who mindlessly puts a friend up on a pedestal for being a womanizing homewrecker? What kind of friend would create fan pages about his current "fame", forgetting the fact that he has children who can read, surf the net and comprehend? Bah! I shall never, NEVER understand those "friends".

State of Calamity

Today, I reflect on those who lost their homes yesterday due to the onslaught of rain. My heart goes out to some of my co-workers who had to spend the night atop their houses, wet and hungry. :(

I would also like to take this time to thank God that my kids and I are safe, and in a dry, high place. I wonder how we can all pick up the pieces after each storm we go through in life, but remember that our God is bigger than all these. His mercy, grace and love is NEW every morning.

~~~

Want to help? Please visit MQ's blog with details on how, where and what here.

Understanding Outlaws

For the past 8 years, I have racked my brains, trying to understand R's family. Not that they aren't good people, but they are too cliquish - they stick to each other like Super Adhesive. True, admirable trait for some, but sometimes, a little too (what's the word?...) secret society for my taste.

SKELETONS

Like any other family, they have skeletons in their closet. Family secrets they hide from non-blood relations, inlaws included. The first time I met my inlaws, I thought it was odd that they kept to themselves. R's younger sis, L was the one closest to me in age, so she was the only one I got to bond with. They're really nice folks, except for the fact that they treat others like well... "others". Don't get me wrong, I love my inlaws. They are after all, R's parents and sibs, and my kids' blood relatives. Sometimes though, I wonder if they, in return, love me. It has been a long-standing Q for me and the other outlaws in the family. The ex of one of R's brothers once confided that my FIL once told her this: "In our family, we love our kids, and our kids' kids, but you girls (referring to the ones married to his children), psssh! We don't care about you." Well, something to that effect. I didn't really take it to heart because at first, my inlaws were really nice to me. R once said his father was proud of the fact that I was his daughter-in-law because I was smart and I come from a good family. But then, I noticed that they started keeping things from me - facts about R's whereabouts, his plans, his schedule, his visits to their place, etc. Once, when R and I were hanging out at his folks', his older brother told us not to tell his then-girlfriend (now ex) that he was in town. Later that afternoon, when the girlfriend came to pick my MIL up, my MIL lied to her straight-faced. Like it was nothing out of the ordinary, like it was matter-of-fact. That opened my eyes big time. Sure, I can tell a fib, but that episode started a string of hurts, especially for my BIL's ex. But then, that's another story.

But yes, everyone in that family is super secretive. And it is like they think of you as dumb to not figure things out. When R was in the US two years ago, he became incommunicado two months before he flew back, and when I had asked one of his older sisters M if she ever got to talk to him, she fibbed by telling me that she last spoke with him that day he left for the US! I mean, what a crock of poop! Why they keep things like that from me, I do not know. It isn't like I will fly off to look for him. I just care for my hubby and worry about his well-being.

ILL ADVICE

It reached a point when once, upon having caught R with someone, I sought my MIL's comfort. And instead of reprimanding R, she advised him (in front of me!) to leave town!!! I mean, what mother tells her son to leave his wife? Once, over the phone, while I cried out to her on R's womanizing, she exclaims, "Matagal ko na kasi sinasabi diyan kay R na maghiwalay na kayo. Ba't ba kasi hindi nalang kayo maghiwalay? Pinipilit niyo pa sarili niyo na magsama! Sus!" I mean, what parent wishes for their son or daughter to have a broken marriage? Sigh.

My friend A once told me that when her brother was cheating on his wife, their mom felt it was her duty to defend her son no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. After all, he is her son and moms love their sons regardless. So maybe it isn't my MIL's fault she was too defensive of her sons? Maybe it is second nature, like a lioness protecting her cubs? I look at my parents and they never, NEVER tolerated sin. Even the smallest, smallest lie didn't go unpunished. We were taught right from wrong, and that sin can never, ever be justified to be right.

Nevertheless, I love my MIL. I guess she realized that she cannot direct our lives and has resorted to telling me to "Keep Praying" each time she hears of marital woes between R and me. She is after all, religious. If there is one thing I admire about her, it is her unconditional love for her son.

APPRECIATING MY FIL

I once had a tussle with my FIL. There was one time when I sent R away, after one of our many heated arguments about his "past time". My FIL, upon finding out what happened told me off by saying "Walang pwedeng magpalayas sa mga anak ko. Aba, kung may nagpalayas sa kanila, PI sya!" And of course, I knew he meant me. But that incident has long been resolved between us.

One Saturday, around 2 years ago, my FIL had a long talk with me. During our hour-long conversation, he told me how he appreciated that I stayed with R all these years. He knew I was praying for R and that in some way, He knew I was a martyr for staying and he told me so. He also told me he was aware of his sons misdeeds, and that if it had been any other girl by his side, she would have left R a long time ago. It was a talk much appreciated. It was acknowledgment for all the years I served without wanting anything in return. In a way, he is right. I am a martyr. This, after all, is no longer for me. If this is the only way R can be a better person, then I will wait for that day.

Today, I look back at that day and realize how foolish it was to stay. But I guess God has His way and timing. I am stronger today. If what had happened recently, happened then, I'd be lost and a mess. Thank God for perfect timing!

THOUGHTS

My thoughts bring me to them today, because last night, as I sat pondering about all that has happened, I realize that they haven't (no, not once!) checked up on me or the kids. My mom says to just let it go as it is no big deal, I have all the support I can get at home and from my friends. But it does matter! They are after all, blood relatives of my kids - family who are supposed to care. A few months ago, when I asked R why his parents haven't even visited the baby and if they care at all to check up on their new grandkid, he said they do but are probably busy. Who'd be too busy for grandkids?! Your guess is as good as mine.

Two years ago, when chatting over YM with my SIL L, I wondered why their mom never even bothered to tell me that she was in contact with R, who was then in the US. Because I posed a lot of questions, I was told I was investigating and trying to catch them in a lie! But why hide the fact from me when they knew I was waiting for any information on my hubby's well-being?! That ended whatever relationship I had with L. Our communication was soon limited to Hi and Hello over once-in-a-blue-moon emails that went unanswered for months. She even went as far as deleting me from any network group we were previously contacts in. Secrets abound! That can only be my conclusion and it pains me that they treat me and their other inlaws this way. Weird doesn't even describe their attitude towards us. It is not in any way normal.

Or maybe it IS normal. I have many girlfriends who have similar problems with their inlaws. My cousin's wife H is in an even worse situation with her inlaws (my uncle and aunt!). They have gone as far as spreading stories about her - texting friends, pastors and church leaders to malign the poor girl. They've spread rumors about her baby not being my cousin's and have insinuated that my cousin should get a DNA test to see if he is indeed the father of their baby! Sad, isn't it? That parents, who are supposed to be more mature and lead by example, are the ones who instigate trouble in the lives of their children. Sigh.

I am not saying, however, that I am the perfect inlaw. I am nowhere near perfect. I have mistakenly involved my inlaws in my cause to save my marriage, when I know I shouldn't have. But I had no one to turn to during the first few years of marital woes. I didn't want to let my family know I was having problems with R. So I did what I thought was right, I talked to his mom. In my valentine's day letter to my inlaws last year, I told them that I admired the way they stick to each other through thick and thin. In fact, I still admire their determination to stay intact. It is what family is all about, after all. To stand by each other, to hold your hand in the midst of trouble, to be there when the whole world turns against you.

With the turn of events in my own family life, I have lost whatever anger I have against all that R has done. A friend once told me that if she sees me back with R in the future, she will slap me across the face. I wonder now if R and I will ever find peace in our situation. We were once best of friends. Partners who vowed to be with each other for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer... and yet, as death tiptoed close to R's door, I was nowhere near him, far from beside him. And I think to myself, why did it happen this way? Why did we take this road? Right now, I have no answers. All I know is that once, I had a dream to have the perfect family. Now that dream remains a dream, far from realization. I do, however, still have that chance to correct the situation with my inlaws. They are still family, and no matter how much pain and disappointment they've caused me, I still love them. Maybe one day, they will stand by me the way they stand by their kids. Maybe one day, I will be lucky enough to be treated like family. Yes, even if it does not work out with R.

Why do I even bother? Well, life is short, and bottomline is, the world will be a better place if we all got along. Ironically, I always got along with the moms of my exes. Fancy none of them became my actual inlaw. In the end, all I really want is a family for my kids. It will be a waste of time to bicker and hold grudges. Bottomline is, they love their son. In a weird way. But they love their son. That is all I need to know in order to understand.

I thought I had a thousand and one words for this blog today. But now, as I sit here in front of my laptop, I stare at the screen and I cannot find it in me to blog about what happened. All I can say is that I am disheartened that some people can be so cruel, to overlook the fact that there are kids involved in this whole brouhaha. So much so that it only matters to them that they get their stories out, forgetting that it isn't any of their business to do so. Sigh. I never imagined they'd do this. I am nothing short of appalled.

I have never been so angry in my life. I realized my hands were shaking right after I put the phone down (and I thought there was something wrong with my Vaio vibrating like so, LOL!). And today, I found it in me to cry. Twice. No, never dare threaten a mother who looks after her young. I still get angry thinking about it. I still have a thousand and one words for them, but only for them (and not this blog), so help me.

~~~

I spent a good two hours in A's school today. I got her report card yesterday and I am not surprised about the comments her teachers made. She has lost focus and spends a lot of time daydreaming, staring into space, talking to her seat mates, etc. My daughter has her mind elsewhere. Just the other day, I overheard her talking to a friend and she was saying how sad she was because her dad hasn't visited in weeks. And although I know she knows she won't be seeing him anytime soon, I cannot bring myself to tell her so. I look at her at night when she's asleep, and think of ways to infuse strength to her character, and I crumble at the thought that I can't protect her all the time.

So today, as I left A's school, I looked at my daughter and even though I saw sadness in her eyes, she managed to smile back when I smiled at her. I may not be able to take her away from the reality of things, but we can pretend. So tonight, we will pretend. We will forget about our problems. Yes, a great comedy like Kimmy Dora sounds good. :) We both know we need a good laugh.

Devoted

Read

Devoted Lyrics

here.

DEVOTED

by: Citipointe Live

I'm losing
my whole life
In your purpose and
for your heart's desire
I'm running
with blinded eyes
faith as my guide
let your love take flight

Refrain:
For you, all was put aside
all for you and I
Father it's you I love

Chorus:
I'm devoted to you
sacred love, my truth
I'm devoted to you
all in all I worship you
I worship you my Lord

Bridge:
Precious God
Into your arms
Without blame I come
Your blood has saved us all

~~~

If there is one thing I am thankful for, with touring with Citipointe Live this past week or so, it is learning a lot from the team. And learning this song is one of them. I don't know where this path is leading me. All I know is that I have God by my side, and with faith as my guide, nothing could go wrong. I am comforted in this thought.

What about you? Where are you heading, and who is steering your ship?

Routine

Life's pace has finally found brakes and we're down to a steady gear. Got a text from my best friend, checking out how things are with the kids and if the scene is pretty much normal now. I guess you could say the past few days have been quiet. Work kept me distracted. That, plus a bunch of new, good Aussie friends.

A has been asking for the dog lately. Funny how she's noticed July missing, and has limited her questions about her dad to the usual guessing game of 'Do you think daddy's at home?' each time we turn into the garage. Well, that's what you get when your child's used to NOT having her father around. Sadly, it is normal routine, and A thinks her dad is just out at the gym, at her lolo's, or with friends.

I grew up with working parents. There was a time in my life when I was even closest to my nanny. But my parents are great folks who teach us how to put God first, who impart values and make sure we grew up to be good people. They make us priority next to God and each other. They plan vacays and take us places to enjoy being with each other. It was and still is my dream to give my kids more or less the same childhood I had. However, R took a part of that dream away when he started prioritizing 'other things' over family. He was always, always, always out. Vacations were spent without him, or if he had any planned, without us. Family Day Sundays were limited to church service and a drive-thru for dinner (when we're lucky). And well, his time at home equated to stress for everyone else.

But don't get me wrong, R is a good father. I've admitted in the past that he is the better parent. But that's just it: you CANNOT be a good parent when you cannot be there for your kids. When you cannot provide a family or a future for your kids. When you choose to be there for them ONLY when you feel like it. When your friends become priority and your kids become 'next time'.

Sadly, this is reality not only in my home but in many other homes as well. Do you want your kids to belong to broken homes? I wish parents would think first before they even begin to destroy the very basic thing each person has. And that is family. Once, in a conversation with an officemate friend, we talked about how the devil attacks families because at the core of each person, a family exists. Each one has a family some way, somehow. You destroy that, you destroy the very basic thing each person has. No wonder Smokey double-times!

~~~

The kids and I stayed home today. We planned on going to the zoo but it rained as we were headed out. Staying indoors has its advantages. I lazed around and took naps with the little one. A spent the afternoon in front of the laptop. But you can only keep a 7-year-old entertained for so long. Soon, she got bored and kept checking out the clock. One day inside and she went crazy. I remember watching time tick by when I had to spend a month and a half on bedrest. I drove myself crazy. R must be going nuts. Hehe! ;)

I am so frustrated. I feel as if everything has spun out of control. My life's story has just gotten bigger. Nyar. It is now a 10-part teleserye. :P

But then, all that is happening to R is expected. No sin is left unhidden. Everything will eventually come out. Yep, all 'em skeletons in the closet. That is why, I am glad that I have Jesus in my life. Because it is through Christ that we have no condemnation! (Romans 8:1) Now, if only it works the same for man. Forgiveness is just so hard to do! And vengeance? Now that's another story. Man tends to take things into his own hands, seeking revenge when he should leave it all to God. Yes, so easy to say, so hard to do.

Many of you have written to say how strong I am. I am not strong. It is God who lives in me that is strong. In my weakness, He is strong. And His power is manifested in my weakness. This is all G-R-A-C-E. Awesome grace.

That is why I worry about R. He doesn't know how it is to depend on God. And in his own ability, he falls short. He cannot handle the stress; He breaks under pressure. I pray for God to reveal Himself to him during this time.

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I think I dozed off only to wake up shaking from a bad dream (yes, there are still things that are worse than the nightmare I've lived through, ha!).

~~~

The good news is... I finally got to see the baby after almost a week of being away. Alas, I must leave again tomorrow since the tour runs through Monday. All good, at least I can be with him at night. He took three steps on his own today. Must've been way excited to see me. :) I was told that he had a slight fever yesterday, and that his first tooth broke out. Aww... there goes that priceless toothless grin. :(

No amount of vengeance can give back what one has lost. Bottomline is, we just want to start anew and live a normal, peaceful life. Please. :(

I cannot help but worry about R. My heart goes out to him, even when he doesn't really deserve it. But really, do any of us deserve any good thing? We're no different from nor better than the person next to us, we're all sinners. A few months ago, I decided to build a wall around my heart and acted like I didn't care about R. I was all smug about it, acting nonchalantly around him, trying to be strong when I was actually wearing a mask, pretending to be super girl. One day, my daughter said, "Mommy, why are you not kind to daddy?" And it hit me, I wasn't being a true steward of God's love. God even says to go as far as loving your enemies! Can you just imagine the pure and full extent of God's love?

Yes, even when we do not deserve forgiveness and salvation, God has given the life of His own Son to die for our sins.

Please help me pray for R. For his deliverance from sin and salvation from all unrighteousness. For protection and well-being. God is a gracious God. His grace is sufficient for anyone.

God's Patchwork Quilt

Took an early morning flight yesterday on a small propeller plane to the second leg of our trip. Small planes cruise just above the clouds so you can actually see the landscape from up high. You can look down at rice and sugar cane fields. I thought they resemble giant patchwork quilts. :) Beautiful, I must say! And the mountains were just awesome.

Nature always has this effect on me. It just sweeps me off my feet. Reminds me that God has you in the palm of His hands. Remember that verse that says "Do not worry because he cares for the grass of the fields, and the birds of the air... etc. and how much more does He care for you..."? (well, something like that, hehe) Yes, nature just reminds me that God cares for me even more. If He can make something beautiful out of trees, land, water, how much more can He make my life beautiful?

Do you know how hard it is to put quilt patches together (especially if you sew them up by hand)? When I was pregnant with my firstborn, I tried sewing up a quilt. I still remember the time I spent carefully sewing different pieces together. I had to meticulously choose different pieces but made sure each piece goes with the next perfectly. Needless to say, it was hard work. But the results were beautiful! I see myself like God's Patchwork Quilt. Each time I go through trials, I know He is carefully putting together the pieces of my life to make sure my end result is as beautiful as how He planned me to be. Yes, He isn't finished with me yet.

On the third leg of our trip now. Took a 5-hour bus trip to here this afternoon. I love the clean air! Everything here is 5-minutes away. My friend and travel buddy A plan to check out the beaches and the souvenir shops tomorrow. Good thing we have time to do that in the morning. Everything's been so hectic; it feels like we're always on the go.

Met up with G, who is a good childhood friend, this afternoon. I haven't seen him in, what, 18 years? More! It's funny how he pieced together my Facebook updates to what has been happening in my life lately. I am thankful that he has been praying for me since. God has indeed blessed me with praying friends.

My cousin, S, once quoted Charles Spurgeon and his words have been with me since. He says, "When God is about to do a great work, He first leads His people to pray." A few days before this latest trial in my life, a customer called me up to say she was being led by God to pray for me and my family. Little did I know what God had in store!

I miss the kids. A few more days to go!

Ignore the Discouragement, BE UNOFFENDABLE!

Attended two church services today. On tour with a band that led praise and worship at two different churches. Haven't really done this in a long time, but realized I needed the distraction.

I actually learned something from them today. When asked how they handle differences and issues amongst themselves, B replied with this smart answer: BE UNOFFENDABLE. If you choose not to let what others say offend you or affect you, then you have nothing to worry about. In my case, I need not let what others say discourage me or pull me down.

Once, when tasked to write an article for a monthly magazine at work, I wrote about how it shouldn't matter what others think about you. Because you know who and what you are, and it is your idea of yourself that should matter anyway. I led a group of canvassers for this wholesale chain, and we'd go around the metro asking business owners to sign up for the stores. On one of our projects in the QC area, I bumped into a college school mate manning his family's store. He looked at me from head to toe then told me and some of the men who were with me that they do not allow solicitations at their store. Never mind that we didn't say anything, he just threw us out. The men in my group felt bad and started complaining about how some business owners treat them badly, but really, what do these business owners know? These men were fine, honest individuals who had college degrees! So never mind what they think because they do not know. At least you know who you are and what you are. We still got rejected a lot after that, but the men knew to keep their chins up. They were, in a way, unoffendable.

~~~

The tour moves northwest tomorrow. I am excited because I haven't been to that part of this country at all. I am missing the kids. I wanted to chat with A on Facebook earlier but she was busy cleaning her fish tanks on Fishworld. All I got was "Hi mommy" and "Busy". So much for that.

Word for the day: FESTER - verb, meaning to cause or to become an increasing source of irritation ex. My bitterness just festered and grew. LOL!

Hope you had a happy weekend! ;)

The Power of a Praying Wife

I've read this book twice. There are other versions to it. Praying Husband. Praying Parent. Praying Woman. Praying Through Deeper Issues of Marriage. Etc.

I am not surprised to receive a lot of slack regarding my stand to keep praying. Prayer can move mountains. If you do not believe in prayer alone and what God, in his infinite power, can do, then I feel sorry for you. I am rejoicing in my situation. Not because I laugh at the face of adversity, but because I am excited to see the end of the road. It is by His grace that I can smile and face my problems head on.

The other night at the grocery, J's friend C told me a story about seeing the good and finding joy in every situation. A man's father was an alcoholic. One day, the man decided to change his perspective and began to be joyful in spite of his dad's alcohol problem. He prayed for the dad and believed that God can make something beautiful out of it. Two weeks from the change in perspective, the father approached him and talked to him about God and his alcohol problem. :) Sometimes, God waits for us to surrender everything to Him before He even begins to work on our lives. I have a friend who is polycystic. She depended on her OBs to get her pregnant. After much work-up for the past two years, she decided to rest and just trust God. She went on vacay, and a month later, without the help of medicines, she tested positive. She now has a two year old boy.

I am not saying that reconciliation is the end of my game (where God is leading me, I still do not know). All I am saying is that I choose to pray for the father of my kids. I choose to pray for a man to get to know the Man who gave His life for him. I'd do so for any other man.

~~~

Are you praying for anything, anyone in particular? Know this: GOD IS LORD OF THE BREAKTHROUGH! I pray you see His answer soon.

PS.

Why is everyone adding me on Twitter and Facebook? I don't know you peeps. I apologize for not approving requests from people I do not know. :) Sorry!

Life Goes On

Some of you have misunderstood my crying to grieving for R and all that he's done. But my tears from the other night were not for him. And mind you, I haven't really cried in months. I cried because it hit me that this has affected everyone in my family. My parents are supportive but I know they hurt for me. My siblings are angry, but mostly because the kids will someday find out about this ugly mess. When I revived my blog two or so weeks ago, I had no idea this was gonna happen. I celebrated peace at home. My kids were happier. So like you, this caught me by surprise.

My blog, although on public view, was initally meant for my friends. Then I shifted to notes on Multiply and Facebook, and left this blog. Two weeks ago, I felt the need to revive this blog. And no, I had no idea about what happened when I started writing on this again. I didn't know this will make it to the news (I am actually quite embarrassed that it did).

So now, all of a sudden, my blog is pushed into the limelight. Martyr, foolish, stupid, etc. These words are synonymous to my name today. My blog is plastered on forums, on commentaries... even my name (in full!) is mentioned (talk about attempting to go anonymous, LOL!). :P Opinions and insinuations are judged. Ay-a! I don't blame you if you hate me by now. Nope, I don't blame you. Even my best friend, G, stopped talking to me when I decided to stand for my marriage years ago. So no, I expect you all to hate me. And yes, I expect and accept the mockery.

Thought bubble: It's funny how one judges a person's intentions without fully knowing the person or a person's full predicament.

You know, it is so easy to say what you think I should do. I can join the bandwagon and get myself justice. But what good will that do? What is justice to you? The only thing I want now is for this to end. I am not part of the equation. Sure, this blog played a part, but it has served its purpose. It is time to move on.

So! This will be my last post on the matter. As I've said, life in my household goes on. I've decided to see the good in this situation and nothing else. I will not allow the media to further make a circus out of my family (yes, I know I am partly to blame because my blog says a lot about R and his womanizing, but just so you know, the warnings were not to spite the women, but to let them know what they got themselves into). If you all think that is foolish, then let it be so. I think it is the best decision I've made.

~~~

I was so happy to have found free wifi at the hotel lobby. So happy I forgot to have lunch. LOL!

I am missing the kids. I don't see them again 'til end of next week. This is actually the first time for me to leave the baby for this long a time. :( But according to J, he slept through the night and looked for his dog pillow first thing when he woke up this morning. Our baby is growing too fast! Sigh.

My Mom

My Mom and I don't have the perfect relationship. But for the past year or so, she has been very supportive of me. Last night, when I sent her a text to pray for us, she replied with one word. And it was in her text "Always!" that my tears started to fall.

I am thankful to have a mom like her. I hope that one day, my kids will love the kind of mom I am. :)

~~~

I am thankful to all those that sent me comments to my posts. I apologize for not being able to reply yet, since I have been out all day on most days. Will try to do so soon.

Can't blog much as I am in a place where wifi is metered, and I am sharing the card with a friend. :P

The Army fighting for me is greater than the army fighting against me. I know I've said this before. But I am reminding myself. The forces of this world don't stand a chance against my God. But I am human. I sat in front of my laptop last night and thought about how this could all possibly end. And the tears came. For the first time in weeks, my emotions found me and I just broke down. But today, I am reminding myself how Big my God is. And I am telling my problems how small they are compared to my Big, Big God.

I will not let the devil steal my joy.

Who Are Your Real Friends?

Real friends do not hesitate.

Moreover, real friends do not tolerate.

Some friends push you to do wrong. They turn their heads and look away, as if saying, "Go ahead, I do not see." Real friends, take you by the hand, bring you to a corner and say "Stop. You are going the wrong way."

But then again, birds of the same feather... are the same birds. LOL!

~~~

Trying to find a little humor in everything that is going on.

~~~

I wonder if R realizes who his real friends are. I am just thankful that he has a handful from his childhood who love and care for him unconditionally. The phone of one of his childhood best friends has been ringing off the hook since Friday night. These friends were there when he had nothing. They were there when he had some. Why he threw them out of his life when he met this new set of 'friends', I do not know. But the old set are his real friends - waiting in the sidelines 'til he wakes up from his silly dream.

I, on the other hand, am blessed to have my friends. My Facebook Wall is flooded with prayers and messages of support. Friends from way, way back have sent me emails and PMs. I am overwhelmed. God says blessed are the persecuted. In spite of all the chaos going on around me... yes, I am blessed indeed.

EDIT: I saw a good friend today at a nearby grocery. Funny we bumped into each other there, of all places! It was good to see a familiar face. Met some of her friends too. Such a small, small world we live in! Amazed that they have been praying and fasting for me - to think her friends don't even know me. We got to talk about how God can turn situations around and use it for His glory.

Truly, God has a purpose for everything that has happened. We cannot see it now, but as I've said in the past, He meant this for good. He can make something beautiful out of all these. Even when the whole world tells you that you are doing the wrong thing; Even when the world thinks you are foolish in choosing the path God has set out for you. As long as the Lord leads you down that path, and He strengthens your resolve to do His will, then go - GO AGAINST THE FLOW. God can do anything. For with Him, all things are possible!

Old Posts

I am reviving my old, old posts. I want you all to see how I've reached this point. I must warn you though, some are very, very bitter. I'd like to think I am no longer the old K, and I hope you see that too.

Setting Direction

I remember about 3 months or so ago, when I decided to take a break from my problems, I thought that nothing worse could go wrong... and that what I had to go through then would be the final installment in R's book of wrongs. Alas, I have been proven wrong by recent twists in this, well... apparently, never-ending saga.

I no longer know what to think. My only concern is to keep my kids safe and away from what is happening. Especially A, who is smart enough to understand that something is out of place. :( I couldn't sleep last night. I tried to stay away from the news. I was told that it is now in court. I am all for women's rights, but. BUT! Sigh. This woman is the reason why my children cannot see their father. She has suddenly equipped me with all the reasons to go after her. And a women's rights group is siding with her, negating the fact that she, in a way, caused the break-up of not one, but two homes. Yes, innocent lives of innocent children. If that isn't abuse, then what is?! I am so tempted to speak out. But as with all other women from R's past, I am not like her. I refuse to be like her. I think only of my kids. Heck, forget about my rights! My kids have a broken home.

~~~

The baby turned 9 months today. So much for that. R used to buy him a cake each month, so now, we celebrate his birth without R. Fancy how time flies! I didn't even have him in my womb for more than 37 weeks. He still clings to me like crazy. It is flattering. I can just imagine how it will be when he turns 8 and won't even let me hold his hand. So yes, I shall cherish each moment.

~~~

So what now? I dunno. I guess I have nowhere else to go but forward. God's prize is waiting at the end of this journey. So I shall press on. I think about the future and what it holds for me and the little ones. I am hesitant, a tad scared, but I know the Lord has my hand in His. God defends the innocent and will protect us from harm.

Lord, rescue me from evil people;
protect me from cruel people
who make evil plans,
who always start fights.

They make their tongues sharp as a snake's;
their words are like snake poison.

Lord, guard me from the power of wicked people;
protect me from cruel people
who plan to trip me up.
The proud hid a trap for me.
They spread out a net beside the road;
they set traps for me.

I said to the Lord, "You are my God."
Lord, listen to my prayer for help.
Lord God, my mighty savior,
you protect me in battle.
Lord, do not give the wicked what they want.
Don't let their plans succeed,
or they will become proud.

Those around me have planned trouble.
Now let it come to them.
Let burning coals fall on them.
Throw them into the fire
or into pits from which they cannot escape.
Don't let liars settle in the land.
Let evil quickly hunt down cruel people.

I know the Lord will get justice for the poor
and will defend the needy in court.
Good people will praise his name;
honest people will live in his presence.

~ Psalm 140: 1-13

WHILE I'M WAITING
John Waller, Fireproof OST

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

~~~

WATCH FIREPROOF!!! Never leave your partner behind.

Blog Log

I must admit that when I started this blog many years ago, I didn't intend for it to be my announcement board on R. This was a pleasant blog (I migrated from another blog site) and talked about A and my ideas on what-nots.

Then I noticed the traffic, and decided to put a tracker to check out the hits. And Surprise! Surprise! The initial posts on R (obviously very, very bitter) were directed towards certain individuals (Hi there!) and are no longer up for view. As I've said, I am not perfect. I have struggles of my own, and I try my best to see what God's will is. But like you, I get angry, bitter, and sad.

There are over 200 posts on this blog, but you only see a handful because I pruned this blog a year ago, and again a few days ago. I apologize if you still sense a lot of anger, especially in my earlier posts. :(

~~~

In other news, life goes on in my household. :)

The babies are now asleep. I, however, have yet to find my zzzz's. So I am crashing my brother's room and using his laptop to take care of my fish (LOL!) on FB. I was able to do a lot of things yesterday (yes, we had a full day). Met up with my good friend B, and had late lunch at Ajisen. Some friends are in town, and although I would love to meet up with them, I don't think I can, with the kids in tow. Taking the kids with you on vacay means you are less likely to be on time for anything. But we'll see...

My not-so-little girl is turning out to be quite the mommy's helper. She took baby steps to reach big sister attitude, so I am proud of her! God is good!

He Collects Your Tears

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book" (Psalm 56:8, NLT)

TODAY'S WORD
Do you know how important you are to God? He cares so much about every detail of your life. He cares about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. In fact, what you are going through is so important to Him that He records every sorrow and collects every tear you've shed. Why would God record your sorrows and collect your tears? It's because He loves you so much. He is your Vindicator. He's keeping account of every wrong that's ever been done to you so that He can make up for every single one of them. He wants to restore everything that has ever been stolen. He wants to heal every single hurt and pain. He sees the longings and desires of your heart, and you can rest assured that behind the scenes He is working things out for your good! I want to remind you today that God is with you. He is on your side. He has your best interest at heart, and He is working to bring restoration and peace to every area of your life. Keep standing, keep believing, and keep doing the right thing because the One who collects your tears will restore every broken place in your life!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Heavenly Father, thank You for loving me and setting me free. Thank You for being my Vindicator. I choose to release every hurt, pain and sorrow, knowing that You will make all things new. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

~~~

Got this from PT today. Isn't God amazing? I remember around 3 years ago, as I sat and prayed with my d-group, I got the conviction to "Just Keep Praying". I don't know how many times I've sat on the floor of our old walk-in closet, just to lift up my woes to God. I remember my friend, L, in her own quest to save her marriage... and the way she kept track of the number of times she broke down before God. She would count the number of shower curtains she ruined, because the bathroom was her place of solace - she would cling to the curtains as she cried her eyes out. :) But yea, I remember giving God my commitment to do this for Him, and no one else. I even remember saying "Be it 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, or even if I do not see the day, as long as one day, my husband will come to know the Lord. Then I know I have fulfilled my purpose."

This battle is no longer mine. I have given this to the Lord many, many years ago. This is for Him. The Bible says one does not labor in vain, if he labors for God. But my journey's purpose is to ultimately give God back the glory. I am not a perfect person. No, not the perfect wife, nor mother. But I have traversed this path for so long that the Lord has continuously changed me, my perspective and attitude towards what is the right thing to do. My cousin used to say it was being selfish of me to want to work on the marriage. And for many months, I contemplated. But God is in charge! I didn't have to do anything! I chose to let God lead me, and He did even better. He prepared me, us, for this day. I have no regrets, because I know this is all God's orchestration. I love the man I married 8 years ago. But I hate his sin. I am reminded everyday that we battle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. But who am I to fear what the future holds? God already promises to save my household! (Acts 16:31) Even better, He promises to save yours! And all it takes is to believe in Him!

side note: You must be wondering why I am updating this blog in the midst of this fiery trial. Writing is my way of coping. I draw from God's promises, the ones hidden in my heart. And I write to encourage others. And in that way, I am accountable to many. As such, I think twice, thrice, nth number of times before I take the next step, making sure it is the right one.

Today

Took the kids to a new mall today. The good thing about traveling without the nanny is you get to spend real time with the kids. The baby has been clingy since we arrived early this week, and refuses to separate from his Sling. So yea, sore shoulders. Thanks to my super secret liner, I still have the energy to do this 12 hours straight. I bet J is laughing just thinking about how I managed, and will continue to manage, because only God knows when I will ever be ready to go home.

Friends have emailed me links to websites containing exclusives and what-nots... you know, to keep myself updated. But reading just the first exclusive brought me back to bitter feelings hidden way, way underneath my mask. So thank you, I shall stay away. My mom says I should not forget that I am on vacay. Yes, this trip was planned 6 months ago! Imagine that! Isn't God the best director of life? Who would've known?

God has sustained me. And our time out from everything remains good. Yes, His grace is sufficient.

~~~

Last night, as we said a special prayer for R, A ended up crying because she says she misses her dad. :( How can I protect my daughter from things beyond my control? Sigh. You know how people always remind men to respect women because they have mothers, sisters and someday, daughters? I cannot even begin to understand how one CHOOSES to destroy his or her child's life. Who wishes a legacy of pain, separation, battery, abuse, divorce, etc on his or her own child? The world is crazy. I will never, never understand.

Vengeance...

...belongs to the Lord. This happened because it had to happen. God sides with the righteous, NEVER with the sinner (or in this case, sinners).

How is your married life? How is your relationship with God? Moi? I am just thankful God prepared me for this day. I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support, but above all, it is God's grace I am most thankful for.

Legalities are for the waste basket. In God's eyes, once you leave your mother and father, you CLEAVE to your husband and become ONE. And what God has put together, let NO MAN OR WOMAN separate. There are consequences to everything. I am just thankful I have God as my commander-in-chief. Et toi, who leads your battle?

Are you weary about your future? Do you have problems similar to mine? GOD LOVES YOU and HE PROMISES TO CARRY YOU!

Hit or Miss

Life is a series of hits and misses. You win some, you lose some. Ups and downs. For better, for worse. I have no words to describe how the past day has been for me. I just know that God meant this for good so my hope rests in Him. :)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Whadd'ya Know...

So that's why the Lord allowed us to take this vacay together. I bet my aunt is telling herself the same thing. There is a reason for everything. EVERYTHING!

Sigh.

I sit here with my kids knowing God has everything all planned out. I worry most about A, but I know God will protect her.

I am thankful. Yes, bottomline is, I am thankful that God is in my life. May God's higher purpose be manifested in all this.

Time Out

Took the kids out of the country for some fun. I need time to think everything through. It is embarrassing to be in my situation. I do not even feel a tad proud of R anymore. It is humiliating to find out all that he has been doing. I mean, it is one thing to attempt to destroy your own family... But to destroy another person's family too? Hell.

A and I are making good use of our annual passes to Disney. The baby rode the Winnie the Pooh ride twice. Time out has been good so far.

Encouragement During Discouraging Times

Do not let the devil steal your joy.

How many times do I have to remind myself that the devil is on the prowl, ready to attack? I am tired and weary, but the Lord promises to carry my burdens for me. I am down, in doubt, hopeful inspite of the hopelessness of the situation, but the Lord reminds me that my Hope is in Him and Him alone. He promises to lift me up!

There are things I do not understand, and will not even try to understand. I may have given up on the situation, but I have not given up on God. He knows where this all leads to. I will wait patiently on Him.

Hebrews 6:15 - "And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise."