Monday, November 9, 2009

Sleepless Nights

I've been having a hard time calling it a night lately. Every time I say it's time to go to bed, I end up doing something else. I dunno exactly what it is, but something in the subconscious is bothering me and keeping me awake. Last night, I decided I was gonna sleep early, but I spent the next two hours staring straight at the ceiling. Praying. Staring. Thinking. Anything, but sleep. I was awake so long past bedtime that I even heard the explosion from San Miguel Avenue at a few minutes past 3am.

As I stayed awake wondering, my thoughts brought me to thoughts of death, and they weren't exactly happy. Sometimes, an air of loneliness consumes me, and I get depressed thinking "Where did all that love go?" or "Why am I alone?" Sure, my friend A says God will take care of me, and I know that. But sometimes, I just miss the good 'ol days when everything was okay. And golly, I do not want to die unhappy or lonely or sad. Then my thoughts drift to responsibilities and the burden to provide. How pathetic is it that I work doubly hard to provide for my family's needs, and yet, I am unappreciated? But then yes, I am not alone. This is a story that has been retold as others have the same sorry story.

So last night, as I lay awake in bed, I think about God's promises and I ask Him, "Lord, what exactly is Your will? What perfect plan do You have for me?" I'm sure my God knows how tired and weary I am. I'm sure He sees my heart and how I so want to do His will. So I asked Him to give me strength to get over this hump, whatever this hump may be. I can feel something weighing me down, and I'll sure be glad if it's just "all fat" and nothing more.

PRAYER REQUEST: I'm due to see the Doctor. Please pray it's nothing serious. The Lord is My Master Physician! :)
BLESSING: Still no house (in fact, the debt list is longer today) but God has been faithful. My dad just lent me $300 to pay for my Dollar Card. Thank you, Lord!
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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousNovember 10, 2009 at 7:35 AM

    You're not alone,K.
    You are just lonely.
    Do what you love most and persevere in the things that you do.
    Everything will flow out of that.
    I won't tell you to hang in there, but instead, I will commend you for being the provider.

    If you feel weighed down, it is because you do not get enough sleep. Try exercise and eat healthily. Hug your children everyday. And put on a smile (with some lipstick on) :-)

    I'll just be here. Cheering you on.

    X

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  2. TNovember 10, 2009 at 1:02 PM

    I will pray that you will find that you are in the rosiest pink of health. It is also my hope that you get some sleep.

    By the way, I literally bumped into your husband last night outside of Dencio's Megamall. He stared at me and followed me with his eyes as he was walking away. As in his head was literally turned toward me although he was heading in the opposite direction. It was as if he knew that I knew him. Perhaps there was a flash of recognition on my face.

    I'm not saying this with any malice, by the way. Just thought it was an interesting coincidence.

    God bless you always.

    T

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