I am trying not to take offense in the assumption that I am secretly hoping for anything at all. I hope, TRUE, but not in R! But in Him who can transform ALL things. But it is His will that shall prevail in my life. If He doesn't want this fixed then I can only hope that He will be glorified out of all these. However, do not forget I am merely human. If I didn't care at all, then there would be no blog. No emotions. You must remember that we are talking about the love of my life - the man who swept me off my feet over 9 years ago. How does one take that much love, stop and quit cold turkey and move on? If you have the perfect antidote to that kind of love, then do share it with me. As far as I know, if you really loved anyone with a love so true, it would take you years to take away that love, if not never. And if you didn't love the person at all, then there would be no pain, no hurt and thus, no need for healing.
Weeks ago, I placed the lid on whatever friendship R and I both had with each other. He was the one who came begging for another chance at it.
"Malapit ko na maayos ang buhay ko. Pray ka lang."
Not that I gave in, it was more of a "we'll see". Mainly because our daughter adores (well, used to adore, I guess... and is learning to let go...) her father. It is a slow process for her, as it is for me. But really, you will never truly come to fully understand my frustration with his ever-changing attitude towards his family and kids, unless you immerse yourself in our everyday lives.
You think I want to be miserable? It is not easy being in my shoes. I honestly think that people who've "moved on" with that stiff upper lip only pretend to have done so. When really, they are broken and hurting inside. Like love, pain isn't something you get over in a snap. We've all heard the saying about "forgiving easily, but forgetting never." My heart is on slow cook, so gimme a break.
But I thank you for your concern. I will take all your suggestions to heart. And yes, I am already on that path to getting myself off this coaster. Do wish me well. :)
Haay, K.
ReplyDeleteThat's love..you know it is when you have to feel some pain before letting go completely.
The antidote?
When you decide for yourself that you don't want the pain anymore. If the pain arises from feelings of love, then by directing your feelings on other people like your kids, your self, your family, your work, your close friends, your God, then maybe, just maybe, any residual love left for the man who does not seem to be on the same page with you will go away.
And the only way out is to really quit cold turkey. Maybe you need to remind yourself what got you and your kids in this situation in the first place. That will ground you every time he comes around knocking on your heart for the nth time.
Or maybe you just need a new nanny so you won't have to lower your "standards" with him as a "manny" (read: male nanny hahahaha).
C.
Hi kaye,
ReplyDeleteTry to ask God to take away the love you have for R. Maybe it can help. But i really salute you! You're a strong girl.