Remembering God's Goodness

I was driving to work today. Actually, I was driving home last night and thinking about life in general, and my thoughts from last night came back as I drove to work this morning. My thoughts? Well, last night, I was thinking this: Life isn't exactly as grand as I would have wanted it to be. I am feeling needy. Not wanting, but a little needy. I must admit, I have my toes in a rut. Alam mo yon? I feel fine, but then there are days... days when I know I haven't been doing enough, hence my state of being - our state of being (meaning my little family).

I suppose this feeling is an indirect result of our recent Korea trip. I didn't want to take any trips this year (even cancelled our annual Hong Kong escapade) because I wanted to be out of debt for a change, plus we're trying to save up for something bigger in the next two years. But then, my mom got us tickets and everything else happened. While there, I realized how blessed my little family was is and yet, at the back of my mind, my thoughts kept bringing me back to how it was when I was growing up. My parents provided for everything.

And then here I was, relying on myself and my meager income. And everything else comes as handouts. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed and thankful. God knows how much I appreciate my folks and relatives - people who love and think about me and my kids, even when they don't really have to.

But then, isn't this my sole responsibility? Ours (R's and mine)? It irks me whenever tuition time comes along, and I ask R about maybe sharing a bit and he says to ask my folks. It isn't their responsibility. And so, to save myself the hassle and heartache, I have stopped asking. And to save face and humiliation (c'mon, it is humiliating!) of asking my folks, I have resorted to borrowing from the office just to pay for A's tuition, etc.

And yes, maybe this is all about spending well beneath our means - in order to survive. Or purging most of our belongings (selling it, etc) just to make ends meet. But do my kids have to go through this? Isn't it enough that I've sacrificed so much of my own happiness just so they'd be happy?

I think about these things.

And so as I drove to work this morning, and as these thoughts came drifting back, God whispered something into my heart and head:

"I am here."

Indeed, He has never left my side. Even when R has refused to support us financially, I have never found myself lacking. My salary may just slip through the keys of my laptop (not my palm, since I don't even get to touch the cash! I pay for all our bills online, LOL!) but I am never lacking. Never.

See, it is often easy to forget about all that God has done, especially in times of need. Man tends to focus on the problem - even when God had always taken him out of his ruts in the past.

And you know, God has never failed me. Us. He's provided for tuition, rent, groceries, credit card bills, utility bills, etc. (including trips out of the country!) - even when it seems the money isn't enough or will never come. So this morning, as I drove to work, I remember exactly how good God has been. He has carried me and my little family all these years.

Today, He says, I am never alone. 
Today, He says, He is always with me.
Today, He says, He will provide.

God is good.

And yes, I am not feeling so needy anymore.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. 
His love endures forever."
Psalm 136:1