For Better Or For Worse (Repost: from Multiply, 29 July 2008)

The following is a repost from my private Multiply Blog. I wrote this over a year ago. It's funny how bad went from worse to worst in just a matter of months. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. Heavy words for a heavy heart.


how does one value marriage nowadays? what ever happened to "forever" and vows to stick it through thick and thin, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, 'til death do us part?

yesterday, i found out that one of my good friends is getting a divorce. this came as a shock to me since she just got married to her long-time beau two years ago. she didn't explain why or how or what happened, and i didn't want to make any wild guesses when she opted not to give details. so here i am, sitting in front of my laptop, wondering what went wrong, and how, in those two years of togetherness did they decide to let things go?

"she must have a pretty good reason, just like J." F reasoned on google talk.

maybe so, but i try to think of a "pretty good reason" and i am left with none. just the same, i do not wish to judge her or her reasons for leaving (or maybe it was the guy's decision to let go). she never judged MY reasons for staying, though she was one of the first to admit that she never liked my husband from the start.

~~~

today, over a serious discussion on marriage with E and how one must be prepared to weather storms when getting into a commitment as committed (hehe) as marriage, i started thinking about how people just seem to take forgranted their vows now. parang to some, it's so easy to get into a marriage, because there is always that window to jump overboard when you're not sailing smoothly (or as smoothly as you would like to). which brings me back to my original question: why is "for better or for worse, etc" in the marriage vow, when you quit when the worse come your way?

E pointed out that most old couples that are still together after 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, ++ years are those that have gone through the most storms in the past. they are the ones that survive and see each other through the storm. if that is the secret to a successful marriage (weathering storms, surviving trials, and so on), then why don't most young couples nowadays even aim to get past the 7-year-itch? i know of couples who stay married for a year, or less than 5, and then you see them separated, annuled, remarried in the next 5. bakit ang dali-dali para sa kanila? even those with kids rationalize their decisions by saying "staying together for the sake of the kids is the dumbest reason to save a dying marriage." so please tell me, what were your reasons for getting married in the first place?

most of you know the story of my life, of my marriage. a few months back, i was almost ready to give up. i was adamant. determined to start thinking of myself. but then i look back at the reasons i had 7 years ago when R and i decided to tie the knot, and i know that i cannot be selfish and think of myself when my bottomline has always been to keep my family intact, no matter what. in the midst of all that questioning and seeking out what my priorities were, it was God who gave me the clear-cut answer when the PT came out positive. i am reminded of His promises and the one that impacts my marriage or any marriage most is a promise made from the beginning of time! -- "WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER, LET NO MAN SEPARATE (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9)."

who am i to rationalize divorce or separation for my sake or benefit? i am not the only player in this marriage. true, i have made sacrifices; i have made selfless decisions for the sake of my family. see, after almost 7 years of fighting it, i am surrendering it all to God. i cannot win my battles alone. i even told E, after 7 years, the itch is still there (haha), but it's true. marriage is a lifetime commitment, and you must CHOOSE to see it through when you take that first step. when you say "yes" to your significant other, you say yes, knowing that he or she isn't perfect, believing that you will be able to stay married 'til death do you part.

some Christian books on Marriage mention in passing statements like "God will not judge you when you choose to get a divorce (especially in an adulterous or violent marriage)"... or "God allows divorce when adultery is committed"... etc. but isn't the Bible explicit when God says in Malachi, "...I HATE DIVORCE"? (Malachi 2:16) or when Jesus says in Matthew 19:8 that "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning." anyway, who am i to rationalize divorce? if i were to give up on my marriage, on 7+ years of praying for the man i love, then why'd i begin praying anyhow? it is like saying my God isn't omnipotent... no, HE IS GOD OF THE IMPOSSIBLE. with Him, all things are possible!

just now, while typing this, R looks over my shoulder and gives me a "pssh!" and he goes back to texting whoever and a thought slips into my head, but i shrug and remember that God's grace is sufficient for me. during my month-long bedrest, i took time to pray for God's direction. and it came with this verse on the 4th day of praying: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9

so why must one give up on a broken, dying, cold marriage? one that is barely 1, 2, 3... (and so on...) years old? couples have their reasons, and i have mine. i do not wish to place judgment on anyone for giving up (likewise, stay away from telling me what to do; only my mom gets the privilege to tell me that i have no choice but to live miserably if i choose to stay in my marriage at this point in our lives... she has her reasons and i don't blame her, hehe).

our hope (with any trial, even those that aren't marriage-related) lies in God, who promises to save, who promises "not to forsake you, but to prosper you, and to give you hope and a future."