Mental Blog... (then maybe not!)

i logged in because i have (or had, rather) tons to write about. my mind was lashing out ideas in paragraphs. but look, here i am, in front of my monitor once again... and i don't even know how to start this piece.

hmmm... all i can really think about right now is seeing that discount card in his wallet. yes, i am pissed off. it only means, it was put to use, RECENTLY. i don't know what to do! i've already cried myself dry. :( i wanna wake up from this nightmare!

i saw G today at greenbelt. and right at that moment, i felt both happy and then sad. happy because it was great to see an old friend. then i felt sadness wash over me. sadness because back when we first became friends, i was so carefree. happy and carefree. my boyfriend then loved me, took care of me and made sure i was happy. i look at my reflection now and all i see is someone about 15 years older, tired and worn out. my relationship with R has taken its toll on me. i am no longer the carefree girl i used to be. i am mostly anxious and stressed. i swear, i won't reach 40. :(

i have visions in my head. visions of me telling my mom what a sad life i have. but i don't want to. because that would probably kill her. then it will kill my dad. and then R's dad. then R's mom. i feel like i cannot even tell anyone what i am going through. i feel so alone at times. i am just thankful i have a few friends who are willing to listen. listen. yep, just listen. then of course, with J, i get an extra pat on the back. Lord! i am thankful you gave me a friend as optimistic as her. so thankful.

and yet, i still have visions in my head. this moving picture of R telling me it's finally over and that it was time to move on. together. will that day ever come?

last night, as i waited for banchetto to start, i sat on one of the benches at the park and stared at the people around me. there was this man, holding his laptop bag beside me. he looked like he had problems. i was waiting for this calling from God... well because God may have sent me to that area to talk to this man. only that, looking at him, i felt my problems were heavier than his. true enough, he was only waiting for his wife to call. and when she did, he already had a smile plastered on his face. a few minutes later, he got up and left. probably headed back to one of the callcenters. i looked at the lovers by the fountain as they cozied up beside each other, oblivious to the people walking through and to those who, like me, stared at them. i felt my mobile vibrate so i checked and saw a text from R telling me he was home. yea, home from 4 hours of ignoring my calls. and yes, now i have this nagging suspicion on exactly when that discount card found its way to the wallet.