Mixed Emotions

let me reiterate. i don't know what to do. my head is telling me to shut up (and well, so is my husband :P ) but... argh! my heart is about to burst. i can no longer keep my emotions inside. i wanna scream.

"the thing is," i was telling R as we were heading home earlier from dinner at the promenade, "i have to go through every single heartache. whereas, the others have to go through it just once." so yea, it's what? 20x the pain? 30x? 100x? can he not understand why i can not just shut up?

i am dying inside. i can feel it creeping, trying to reach the very ends that still live. i want this to end. "i am not as strong as you think i am, B." i added. and yet, he kept quiet. he didn't bother to explain. and here i am, still needing to hear and know why...

yes, i am no hypocrite. a part of me wants to give up. a part of me is telling me, REMINDING me that God is bigger than my problems. and yet, i am not. nope, i am shrinking in the midst of it all.