Relationship with God

i haven't been to the dgroup in months. i have been greatly discouraged since september. church-going has been on and off as well. i dunno. succumbing to the temptations of lazying around, i suppose. nyar. plus, i dunno... why is it that when i am closest to God, everything falls apart? or maybe things were never in place anyway. :(

while i am on the verge of being unfaithful to God, He has remained amazingly faithful. He has never let go of my hand. :( however, i am at a state where i really dunno what to do. my insides are screaming and i am so so frustrated. yes, S, i know you heard my shout out from miles away. i am so so broken inside, i don't even know what to do anymore. :(

i do not know how to cope anymore. i have tried everything. G has said that even before anything happened, i have practically been doing everything. so now, i don't know which fork to take.

where is God's grace when i need it the most?

am i being molded to be like job? God knows i do not have a heart so strong to take all that. yes, i am discouraged. am i the only one who sees my relationship with God this way? i am not the perfect Christian. i haven't been living my life the way God wants me to. i haven't strictly obeyed. i have lost touch. and i am sad. depressed. lost.

i got mail from L the other day. and an exerpt of her letter says: The only reason that made me think otherwise about you is the kind of relationship you have with God. how timely. how perfect. i am humbled by this statement because i am not the old K.

Lord, find me.