Who Am I?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Just Pray for Me, Ok?

i think i made a big mistake by telling S. it's not that i do not wish to share my problems with her, but she is my good friend and she'll always look out for my best interest above all. true enough, the first thing she said was "leave." :(

i don't want to be discouraged. i know that that seems like the best thing to do right now. but i just don't see that as what God wants me to do. already, i don't want her to know the rest of the story... a little snippet here and there has already convinced her that i am better off without my problems. true, my problems are big and i never even imagined that these would happen to me. but see, it's not like i haven't been praying and asking God for direction. His word is so clearcut. true, He doesn't want me suffering. following God's will doesn't mean i have to be abused (well, S used that word). but my resolve really is to stay. and God's pointing me this way too. i am so sure of it. i told S that i appreciated her concern. i know she did not tell me to leave so that i will be discouraged in my resolve to save the marriage. i know she loves me and wants what's best for me. but so does God. and i know i will be victorious one day. i told S that one day, i am sure she will come back to me and proclaim God's glory. right now, we just have to wait and see.

~~~

this came in through my gmail today. i am amazed at how God is speaking to me.

DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE?

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to
her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

How many times a week do you battle doubt and unbelief coming against you in believing that your marriage is NOT going to be restored? How many times do you doubt that your spouse will ever change or accept Jesus Christ as Savior? How many times a week do you cry out to your Lord, asking if you are following Him on the right road headed to marriage restoration as you go through so many trials with your spouse? Are you thinking, "It look so hopeless in the natural?"

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly
rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the
will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35

Every time doubt, fear, despair or hopelessness comes into your thoughts or your mind, remember that you are fighting for your spouse, for your children and for future generations of marriages. Will you pray that all marriages will be healthier and stronger in the Lord? Pray that God will stomp out divorce in the United States and around the world. The difference is going to made by one family member at a time, one church at a time, not giving into divorce, but standing up for the sanctity and permanence of marriage. Yes, your family, friends and coworkers may not understand your sacrifice, but did everyone believe what Noah, Moses, Abraham, Deborah, Nehemiah, Joseph, Mary or Paul were doing during their assignment?

"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and
female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So
they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined
together, let man not separate." Mark 10:6-9

I believe with all my heart that your Lord has been speaking to you in regard to standing in the gap for your spouse. Your Lord God wants you to believe and pray for your marriage and for all prodigal spouses who have fallen into the trap believing that their divorce is acceptable in God's eyes. Your spouse has become deceived and blinded believing in the world's standards of marriage, but on judgment day, we will all find out that God's Word and way is the only way. You can make a difference every day just as our ministry has made a difference for so many years, one spouse, one family at a time, standing for their marriage forever!

I Stand in Awe of You

as i whispered my prayers in bed last night, the song came to me again. I WILL BE STILL AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOD. right after i said the words, R asked me for a hug. God knows my heart and He knows exactly what i need to see, hear and feel. thank You, Lord for revealing Your Love to me. :) You are truly an awesome God.

Be Still, K, and Know that I am God.

A and i spent some alone time today. we walked over to Mickey D's on emerald and had dinner together. she played with her Happy Meal toys while i read The Power of a Praying Wife and quietly prayed for rey. there is peace in praying for your spouse. it is synonymous to letting go and letting God. last week's devotional did say that prayer is dependence on omnipotence. yes, i am putting my hope in the Lord. all thing are possible with God. and i will do what He wants me to do. i want to do His will. and help me, Lord, because i know it means forgiving. i am still struggling with forgiveness. but i read this today and it just reinforced the path God wants me to take...

Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day he returns to you, saying "I repent," YOU SHALL FORGIVE HIM. (Luke 17:3,4)

we stopped by the park on our way home. A finished her McFlurry while i continued praying in silence. this afternoon, while J and i were discussing my situation for the nth time, we decided that trusting and hoping in God is most important. i have no one else to turn to but Him. He knows exactly why this is happening and while i do not know His purpose or where i am headed, God already knows the outcome. hmmm... same words Kris Aquino used to analyze her situation with James and why she should remain hopeful in God. yes, God knows when this will all end. i have no choice but to accept R's promises and have faith that God is at work in him, even when i cannot see changes... i should trust that the Holy Spirit is working on his heart. as i continued praying for R, this song played on my ipod... (gave me goosebumps but yes, God is in charge and i praise Him for giving me peace)

Hide me now...
Under Your wings.
Cover me...
Within Your mighty Hand.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, you are King over the flood.
I WILL BE STILL AND KNOW YOU ARE GOD.

Find rest my soul...
In Christ alone.
Know His power...
In quietness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, you are King over the flood.
I WILL BE STILL AND KNOW YOU ARE GOD.

Be still and know that I am God,
Be still and know that I am God,
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.

isaiah 43:2-3 says When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God... your Savior.

i thank the Lord for being my Lord... for being King over my situation. i will be still and see my God move.

Mother's Day

i didn't want to write about anything cliche, but i spent a good part of last night wishing i could just go to my mom, not tell her anything yet have her hug me. :( there at times when i can't sleep, i'd sit by A's bed and think about my mom. i'd wonder if she ever sat by my bed at night, just praying and hoping that i'd never get hurt. yes, i pray for protection for my daughters. i am scared they'll go through all that i've gone through and scared that they won't be as strong.

i look at myself today, and i wonder if i am a good mom. the past few weeks, i'd have to say i haven't been in tip top shape. as much as i would want to be there for my kids, a part of me has been drained out of love. i am tired. i am frustrated. i feel like i have no more to give since most of what i've had has been stripped away. i wonder about the future, and think about my life. their lives. will we ever survive?

i was telling the hubby on the way home from greenbelt last night that i am sure my parents never imagined this life for me. i am sure they had high hopes, great dreams. :( *sigh* if i cannot make my life better than at least it isn't too late to make sure this doesn't happen to my kids. i pray for protection; i pray for a good life. and if mother's day means i get one wish then that is what i'll wish for - good lives for them.

Mental Blog... (then maybe not!)

i logged in because i have (or had, rather) tons to write about. my mind was lashing out ideas in paragraphs. but look, here i am, in front of my monitor once again... and i don't even know how to start this piece.

hmmm... all i can really think about right now is seeing that discount card in his wallet. yes, i am pissed off. it only means, it was put to use, RECENTLY. i don't know what to do! i've already cried myself dry. :( i wanna wake up from this nightmare!

i saw G today at greenbelt. and right at that moment, i felt both happy and then sad. happy because it was great to see an old friend. then i felt sadness wash over me. sadness because back when we first became friends, i was so carefree. happy and carefree. my boyfriend then loved me, took care of me and made sure i was happy. i look at my reflection now and all i see is someone about 15 years older, tired and worn out. my relationship with R has taken its toll on me. i am no longer the carefree girl i used to be. i am mostly anxious and stressed. i swear, i won't reach 40. :(

i have visions in my head. visions of me telling my mom what a sad life i have. but i don't want to. because that would probably kill her. then it will kill my dad. and then R's dad. then R's mom. i feel like i cannot even tell anyone what i am going through. i feel so alone at times. i am just thankful i have a few friends who are willing to listen. listen. yep, just listen. then of course, with J, i get an extra pat on the back. Lord! i am thankful you gave me a friend as optimistic as her. so thankful.

and yet, i still have visions in my head. this moving picture of R telling me it's finally over and that it was time to move on. together. will that day ever come?

last night, as i waited for banchetto to start, i sat on one of the benches at the park and stared at the people around me. there was this man, holding his laptop bag beside me. he looked like he had problems. i was waiting for this calling from God... well because God may have sent me to that area to talk to this man. only that, looking at him, i felt my problems were heavier than his. true enough, he was only waiting for his wife to call. and when she did, he already had a smile plastered on his face. a few minutes later, he got up and left. probably headed back to one of the callcenters. i looked at the lovers by the fountain as they cozied up beside each other, oblivious to the people walking through and to those who, like me, stared at them. i felt my mobile vibrate so i checked and saw a text from R telling me he was home. yea, home from 4 hours of ignoring my calls. and yes, now i have this nagging suspicion on exactly when that discount card found its way to the wallet.

Sigh.

look at what i got in the mail today. another perfect devotional. what is God asking me to do? i cannot be like Job, Lord! i can't. i don't think i can. please!

Patience with Imperfection
“Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.” (Ephesians 4:2b NLT)

The fact is, living with imperfect people requires patience. And I say this as a friend, but you are one of the imperfect people who require patience! Unfortunately, I keep learning that I’m an imperfect person too.

The Bible teaches that patience is the solution for living with someone else’s imperfections. This patience is to flow from the kindness God shows us, so we’re (not so simply) following God’s love.

Colossians 3:12-13 says: “As holy people whom God has chosen and loved, be sympathetic, kind, humble, gentle, and patient. Put up with each other, and forgive each other if anyone has a complaint. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (GW)

The word translated “patience” also could be rendered “longsuffering.” Patience means putting up with one another when we’d rather lose our temper; it means forgiving one another when we’d rather hold a grudge.

It is love in action, for “love is patient.” (1 Corinthians 13:14a NIV)

In addition, patience muzzles our mouths, stopping the murmuring and complaining that so naturally flow from the human tongue. Paul says, “Let us stop criticizing each other. Instead, we should decide never to do anything that would make other Christians have doubts or lose their faith.” (Romans 14:13 GW).

With patience ruling the day, we become stronger through our differences and we develop a godly diversity in our relationships. We no longer require that everyone act and look and think exactly the same way.

Paul saw this as an exciting model of God’s Church: “Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don't see things the way you do. And don't jump all over them every time they do or say something you don't agree with – even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.” (Romans 14:1 MSG)

So what?

Patience and a critical spirit are mutually exclusive – Even when your complaints are justified, patience pushes and pulls you toward forgiving and forgetting: “A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)

You are imperfect – Living with an imperfect person requires patience. You, my friend, are an imperfect person, and there are some people who require patience to live with you! (Think about who they are and thank them today.)

Let love lead – “Most of all, let love guide your life, for then the whole church will stay together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14 LB) How open are you to other believers who don’t see things the way you do?

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

~~~

Lord, i can't do this anymore. :(

Jesus Take The Wheel
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

...

our baby, at 4 months.

wish i could just stop time, sometimes. they grow up too fast!

one day, they'll all grow up to be adults. will they face the same darn problems you and i are facing right now? if so, will we be able to equip them with good values such that if life disappoints them, they will still face its challenges prepared and headstrong? or will they, like us, learn their lessons the hard, hard way?

i vow to teach them well. what about you?

My Top 10 Comfort Grub

sigh. like i said, when depressed, it's either i eat or i spend. but because i don't want to pack in the extra pounds, i have to resort to eating uh... healthy food to keep me happy. when a pint of macapuno ice cream would normally do the trick before, or a few slices of red ribbon's mango cream pie or ube cake... sigh... i have trimmed down my list to these waistline-friendly food:

10. Gluten and Mushrooms from Bodhi - yeah, yeah... i dunno why i even like this but i do.
9. Bega Mozzarella String Cheese - brings back memories of the HK trip with my bro, circa 1996... yea, walking down the side streets with string cheese and Hi-C Lemon Tea!
8. Fresh Amoy Lumpia from DEC - the one with the yellow egg wrapper
7. Tabasco Garlic Pepper Sauce - on almost everything! but since this is a healthy food list, i should say... uh... with tofu (see next entry)
6. Soy Tofu from Hap Chan or David's Tea House - with fresh calamansi and hotsauce. nom!
5. Kellogg's Special K Cereal with Red Berries - yummy! but i can only eat this for like a week and i get so sick of it.
4. Oatmeal and a chicken sausage - what can i say? i love oatmeal. the sausage is my umay-buster, hehe.
3. Bananas and Cottage Cheese - yep, this is one of my ultimate comfort grub. but sigh... cottage cheese is SO EXPENSIVE!
2. S's Green Cabbage Salad with Arugula and Apple Cider Vinegar - i had this for 2 straight months after my september crash. the arugula gives it the needed umph!
1. 5-pack Yakult - who needs to take each bottle out of the 5-pack wrapper when you can conveniently stick a juice straw through each foil lid? yes, yakult makes me feel good right away. ikaw? okay ka ba tiyan? haha! just had to say it!

...

i found this while cleaning my home pc just now. the nanny is trying to get A to sleep so i have to kill time out here. this is one of the major reasons why i love the hubby. no one else will love the kids more than their real dad. besides, the hubby is a great dad! he is the better parent, hands down. i don't have the heart to take that away.

this is why i will fight for my family.

Haha.

G came over tonight with T. surprise! surprise! he's back from singapore. imagine that. but ha! he's heading back, in two months. says his boss gave him a break to rethink the contract. i doubt his boss wants him to leave, i mean, after all, he quit his job three times already. and yet, he always has this new contract to consider.

how many times did i tell G to tell him to stay? to come back to manila where his heart obviously is? sigh. men! they want something but they are so indecisive. come to think of it, most women are the same. how many times has G expressed her desire to have him back home with the kids? how many times did she cry buckets because she wished he was by her side? sometimes, it's better to act spontaneously. that way, when it happens, it happens. and you have no choice, no chance to take things back. it's 50/50. it's either you regret or you rejoice. but when you linger... when you are trying to decide and you get the chance to weigh your options... ay-yah!

anyway, T tried calling R tonight, while G and i watched the kids run around the driveway. but ha! his phone was off. this time, i wasn't gonna let the devil plant thoughts into my head. nope. no-sir-ree... this time, i will trust God. and let God. i suppose i scored an 8 outta 10 tonight. i still texted my bro-in-law M. see, he called earlier to look for his brother. but i honestly didn't know where he was. in fact, at 9pm, while heading home from galle (yep, all that 3 minutes in the car), i resolved to pretend not to care. resolved to stop checking and calling or texting even (but not totally since i was planning on showering him with my love when he's asleep and snoring, hehe). and then i found out from M that R's mobile was once again off. hohum. so much for trying to act like i didn't care. suddenly, paranoia crept in and i could feel it killing me once more. not again. sigh. i turned on the tv and spent 30 minutes watching entertainment news on 2nd avenue. that's when G and T showed up. ah! distraction! then right when they left, i recalled R calling earlier about his missing charger. ha! he probably just went to dad's place to see if he left his charger there. and so, i couldn't help it. i texted M.

haha! i was right! they're at the wake. he did go to dad's place! and since M was looking for him earlier so R could go with him to paz, that's exactly what happened.

sometimes, you just know... i suppose it's cause you are of one flesh. and it goes for all things. i mean, you're connected, somehow. like me, for instance...i know if R's happy. or if he's planning a surprise. if the pillow he gave you for your anniv came from someone else (read: girl friday). if he's out with his flavor of the bi-week (haha!). if he's hiding the phone because... well, because he's got a lot to hide. hmmm... i just know. haha. yea, whoopie! lucky me. :P

Love Is NOT Jealous

how many times have you heard this phrase? LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS. i remember ex-boyfriends telling me this. (hmmm... a way for them to drive me nuts, possibly?) come to think of it, D emphasized this during one of our bible studies. i dunno. i am not jealous, you know, as in jealous, jealous. i am not even envious of them all. in fact, most of the time, i feel luckier, more blessed. because i am THE ONE. whereas, they are not.

and yet, here i am... sitting here, alone again. waiting. and i am thinking to myself... why should love not be jealous, when i, being THE ONE, deserved all of his time and attention? why should they get more of him? more of his time and who-knows-what-else?!

PTC once said something like true, love isn't jealous, but if it means protecting your family from destruction, then it isn't called jealousy. yes, i am protecting my family. i am not trying to covet someone else's man. this is MY MAN. and we are HIS FAMILY. no, T... i am not being jealous. i am fighting for someone who is rightfully mine. i am fighting to keep my family intact. and i will do anything to do so. anything. everything. because love is indeed not jealous...

Pre-Occu-Blog

preoccupied. yes. that's how it is with this blog. once again, i am blogging from work. i do not wish to go home. i am done with today's tasks and i have to go to galleria to get some stuff, but i do not want to get up and go.

*

i received news from F. he'll be posted in sweden soon. wow. i suppose that means i cannot go and visit. it'll be too expensive and well... far. he wants to do coffee soon. i am wary, because i don't want him to see me cry. i thought we had ended our friendship when we fought last year. but sometime in january (was it?), he called and sounded distressed. and you know what? i wasn't there for him. i told him off. told him i didn't want to play his game. and that i didn't want to be his friend. and that i've had enough of his charades. i no longer want him telling me that tomorrow is a brand new day. and yet, here he is... he is here now - for me. right when i need him the most. :(

i dunno. am i doing the right thing? he was, still is, my best friend. but i still feel we shouldn't be seeing each other because it leaves us both confused. he tries to convince me to leave and i, well, i dunno.

G's phones are all out of order. i have no one to talk to about my rey-woes and what-nots. oh well, she will never understand anyway. she did say she was never in the same position so she will never know what to say. at work though, JO enlightened me somehow today. J and i spent a good hour discussing "things" with him, and he gave a lot of eye-openers. i never thought he'd be that, but i suppose sometimes, we are just wrong about our impressions. but then, i can never tell anyone everything. and besides, i want to tell R. it's just that, he never listens. so anyway, here i am, sitting in front of my work pc, blogging about my woes. i cannot and will not shut up, because my insides are literally screaming!

but right now, to keep the peace... i will do it the silent way. yes, i will blog my woes away.

mood: still depressed
love-o-meter: broken
resolve: to be quiet and gentle. and to wait for God's perfect time.

God Meant It For Good

you know how you receive devotionals and you just know that that day's entry was really meant for you? well i received this devotional wednesday of last week. and i had exclaimed to jenny about its timeliness. and i remember telling myself that God knows how to send encouragement right when you need it the most. yea, i am at my worst point. anyway, after breaking down last night, what should arrive in my mailbox today, but the same devotional! it is like God reiterating: MY WAY ISN'T YOUR WAY, KAYE. SO TRUST IN ME.

~~~

“You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result.” (Genesis 50:20 NIV)

Joseph’s life was anything but peaceful. It was complicated by youthful folly, broken dreams, and the mean-spirited actions of others. Sold into slavery by jealous brothers. Thrown into prison on false charges. Yet he remained a man remarkable for his lack of bitterness or regret, always seeing God as the “Great Engineer” behind even the worst of circumstances.

In a final confrontation with his brothers, he graciously noted, “You meant it for bad; God meant it for good.”

The theology packed in that statement is astounding. “God meant it for good” means:

You can accept the past – No sin, no action, no choice on your part is too big for God to handle – or too big to be worked for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) Just ask Joseph! Better yet, ask his fearful and famished brothers, who were forced to rely on him for survival.

You can embrace the present – There’s no need to play the “what if” game. The past is gone, and no energy you expend will ever change it. The future is in God's omnipotent hands, so you’re free to focus on the present. Your job is to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, trusting him to forgive the past and transform the future. Martyred missionary Jim Eliot once wrote, “Wherever you are, be all there” – not living in the past and not fantasizing about the future. God wants you in the present because that’s where his grace will flow.

You can look expectantly toward the future – Even if you make mistakes today, God still controls your future. Walking in the Spirit, you can live life to the fullest, unafraid of making mistakes and unconcerned that you may stumble into some terrible circumstance that takes you out of God's control. Even when things appear to be terrible, you can trust that God is working out some divine plan through you.

So what?

· No matter how bad things get – God is still able to bring good out of it. Today, thank God that nothing – no disaster, no delay – is bigger that his ability to turn it into something good and godly.

· Thank God and let go – Thank God that he is sovereign over your past, your present, and your future.

Give God the circumstances, disasters, hindrances, hurts, and sins from your past.

Give God your current situation, your disasters, hindrances, hurts, and sins of today.

Praise God that he can work anything in your future for godly good, that you can walk in confidence that there is nothing anyone can do to you, or anything you can do that will be beyond the reach of God’s grace and redemption.

· Look for God’s hand – Walking by faith means you see God’s hand even in the most difficult of circumstances. You trust his ability and his willingness to transform the bad into godly good. God is not limited by people’s motives. In other words, it doesn’t matter why someone hurt you, God still can transform a deliberate, mean-spirited situation into something for his good.

· What will you allow God to change? – There it is: some situation, or event, or person in your life that, as far as you can tell, was “meant for bad.” How do you think God meant it for good? Ask God what he wants you to do with this situation (event or person). When he answers, do it. We’re praying for you now.

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

We Can Do This Together...

we can do this together. that's all the text message said. yes, a message i received 6 years ago. we were at kimpura, and our parents were talking about what should happen next. i no longer knew what to do then. and it's exactly the same feeling i am having right now. and yet, back then, he came through. all i had to do was trust his words. we can do this together.

~~~

i gave another mini-speech last night. this time, he listened. and i hope this time, it pierced his heart. i feel so alone. so frustrated because i know it's all in there. the old him. shadowed by all that pride. i looked at him lying there in the dark, his hand on his head. i could feel it coming. his breathing was heavy and i knew it was about to happen again. but it didn't. his hand remained on his head, and i am thankful. i've had enough of that. God knows it does not overshadow the emotional pain. and i hope he knows it too.

how many nights have i been crying myself to sleep? i can no longer count. :( i am really dying inside. all i have to hold on to are empty promises. yes, empty and hollow, i know them to be lies the moment they leave his mouth. and he stays there, blank-faced. with no emotions. and i cry again. i am tired and my heart is weak. will this never end?

we can do this together. i hear him whisper in my dreams.

Frustrated.

he always does this. always. he knows i am uber-paranoid. especially since september. and he turns off his mobile. i'm sure he will give me some lame excuse. i am so frustrated. help me.

Peri Peri Chicken

yup, nothing delights us more than discovering a new chicken place (since the hubby doesn't eat anything that isn't chicken or fish). this store has been at the promenade for over a year (i think). but we never had the chance to try it 'til yesterday.

the grub
since we normally do not eat rice or anything heavy at night, we chose to share the half peri peri chicken with 2 sidelines (sidings in PPC speak). the hubby didn't want us to have anything oily or heavy so he took the liberty of getting two orders of tortilla wraps, which was ok with me since i wasn't in the mood to eat anyway.

the chicken was yummy. we had a quarter in lemon garlic and the other quarter in peri mild. came with two large servings of salsa and some gravy, so it made a very tasty chicken wrap. at 239pesos (i think, i don't normally look at the price, teehee)... twas a great and fulfilling deal.

the place
we were there at half past 9, so the place was semi-packed. although the door was kept open, the place was cool. thing is, most of the night's shift probably left for home, so that left the crew with less hands to keep the place clean. the toilets were next to the clean up/ kitchen area towards the back. the floor was wet and slippery. i had to make sure my havaianas wouldn't slip (and you know how slippery havies get when on wet floors). some of the evening's crew were ready to leave so a couple of them were hogging the toilets to change, so no peepee break for me. nyar.

also, our table was not set when we got there. we were served chicken without the condiment tray and i noticed the peri sauce bottles on the other tables a chicken meal too late. the bottles were half full, so i suppose it makes for a better peri chicken meal (it says so on one of the posters too!). hohum.

overall, peri peri is a great place to have chicken. hehehe. yea, we're coming back, i am pretty sure. next time, i just have to make sure i take that peepee break somewhere else first. ;P

Mixed Emotions

let me reiterate. i don't know what to do. my head is telling me to shut up (and well, so is my husband :P ) but... argh! my heart is about to burst. i can no longer keep my emotions inside. i wanna scream.

"the thing is," i was telling R as we were heading home earlier from dinner at the promenade, "i have to go through every single heartache. whereas, the others have to go through it just once." so yea, it's what? 20x the pain? 30x? 100x? can he not understand why i can not just shut up?

i am dying inside. i can feel it creeping, trying to reach the very ends that still live. i want this to end. "i am not as strong as you think i am, B." i added. and yet, he kept quiet. he didn't bother to explain. and here i am, still needing to hear and know why...

yes, i am no hypocrite. a part of me wants to give up. a part of me is telling me, REMINDING me that God is bigger than my problems. and yet, i am not. nope, i am shrinking in the midst of it all.

Relationship with God

i haven't been to the dgroup in months. i have been greatly discouraged since september. church-going has been on and off as well. i dunno. succumbing to the temptations of lazying around, i suppose. nyar. plus, i dunno... why is it that when i am closest to God, everything falls apart? or maybe things were never in place anyway. :(

while i am on the verge of being unfaithful to God, He has remained amazingly faithful. He has never let go of my hand. :( however, i am at a state where i really dunno what to do. my insides are screaming and i am so so frustrated. yes, S, i know you heard my shout out from miles away. i am so so broken inside, i don't even know what to do anymore. :(

i do not know how to cope anymore. i have tried everything. G has said that even before anything happened, i have practically been doing everything. so now, i don't know which fork to take.

where is God's grace when i need it the most?

am i being molded to be like job? God knows i do not have a heart so strong to take all that. yes, i am discouraged. am i the only one who sees my relationship with God this way? i am not the perfect Christian. i haven't been living my life the way God wants me to. i haven't strictly obeyed. i have lost touch. and i am sad. depressed. lost.

i got mail from L the other day. and an exerpt of her letter says: The only reason that made me think otherwise about you is the kind of relationship you have with God. how timely. how perfect. i am humbled by this statement because i am not the old K.

Lord, find me.

Vacation's Over!

well yea, vacation from non-blogging, that is. i don't know what bit me, but i couldn't find time to write. haven't even attempted to move my entries from xanga to here. i suppose it's cause i have been swamped with work... plus of course, losing S last month. :( *sniff* now that i think about it, i am once more filled with sadness. why should someone so full of life and promise go on ahead? S was so loved! God should have taken me instead. yea, He should have. because a few days after S left, i sorta died. died again.

am i suppose to write my thoughts down? can i keep them to myself and God this time? :( i cannot say if i am mad or confused, because the main feeling in me right now is extreme sadness. i don't know how much more of this i can take. L says it's all a passing phase. one day, he will grow up, and one day, he will realize his mistakes. thing is, will i still be here to witness that "one day"?

i feel like i am in a losing battle. fighting for him seems so useless at this point. i mean, even if i do, will it guarantee my victory? he has denied his mistakes in the past, gotten wild with anger each time i'd confront him... but it was very different this time. he admitted his faults. so. different. should i be scared? we had lunch together today, a rare event inspite of us working just a block away from each other. he tried to comfort me. pray tell, do show me your remorse, won't you? i am in so much pain.

J says i shouldn't be that scared. i mean, yea, be sad but hey, thank God he's with 10 different bitches at the same time! and thank God YOU KNOW, when they all walk blindly through his valley of lies and false names, ages and what-nots. yea, thank you, God. because i am his and he is mine, and regardless, i will never give him up.

a few hours ago, when he texted to say he was out his male buddies, he included this phrase: NO MORE GIRLS. should i take it as a promise? ay-yah! i am not a sucker for empty promises. but i want to believe him... heck, i really want to but i do not wish to let my guard down. for 3 whole years, i did not even bother snooping around. didn't even care if he really had a mobile. yep, i went on blindly for 3 darn years. last september however, without even trying, i discovered his mobile phone and the videos. yes, this time, i don't care if he'll end up hating me but yes, this time, i will be on guard!

funny thing about me being sad and depressed... i either binge or spend. tonight i spent over a thousand bucks with A over at Timezone. i didn't want to go home. i needed comforting and i found it in a place that provided kiddie entertainment. yea, 1000 bucks and all we took home was a small bubble bottle.

ho-hum. life is very difficult. but i have to move forward. look forward. what a journey this will be.