Let Me Tell You a Secret.

Today is R's birthday. Things have been pretty civil (more like nice) between us for a while. Although there are days when I don't hear from him, and days when I don't think about him, things have been pretty much okay.

Two nights ago, over the phone, we talked about past birthdays. And how, during one of those surprise parties I threw for him, he declared to his friends that he will be the best father to A. Bittersweet. And although he isn't exactly the best dad in the world, I'd like to think he is trying his best - at least as best as how he knows 'best' to be. He was never dad, exactly, to M or KY. So he's only had practice with A (a little bit with RL). And he hasn't been there as much, really, for the little boy. Who knows how much of an influence or an inspiration his dad was in terms of being a parent... So yea, I suppose in his eyes, he is doing okay. Not to say, he could be better. But that's just how it is, for now.

An old photo from R's Friendster account, showing him with baby A.
His shirt (sent by a relative from the US) says World's Best Mom. Hehe.

In that same conversation, which turned out pretty pleasant, we talked about that first birthday surprise in Rockwell, 10 years ago (or was it 11? I forget) - one he doesn't quite remember, except for the part where he tells our server his real age, after being sang to and given a brimming bowl of vanilla ice cream. And we had a good laugh about it.

Time flies. There are days when I think about the good times, and then, there are days when I wish the good times overshadowed the bad. Right now, we're okay and the kids are happy. And I guess that holds importance in family relationships, right? I'm not saying we're fixed or we'll ever get to the point where all is well, but right now, we're fine and that's dandy.

And of course, with all this talk about age, the topic of change came up more than once. Last night, I had asked if he thought that at his age, it was okay to be doing what he was doing. He answered in the form of silence. I don't want to appear like the consenting wife, but at this point, I only wish he is safe and is keeping himself protected from harm and disease.

Times have changed and wounds heal. R, sadly, hasn't changed. Today, his phone is ringing off the hook, and he's probably enjoying his day with his "friends" - friends who think they are more important than family... who think it is cool to be part of that secret life R has been living. But guess what? I know a secret you guys don't.

See, a week ago, on one of those late night conversations with R, he mentioned it was his birthday soon, and his friends (who were with him in the car while he was on the phone with me) had asked how old he was going to be. R, nonchalantly, replied he was going to be 30 on his birthday. 30.

A pretty random number now, don't you think?

I somehow recall celebrating the same birthday 10, maybe 11 years ago. And back then, I was caught off guard as I remember him telling me he was only 26!

You do the math.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Today, I pray a hedge of protection around R. 

May the blood of Jesus cover him

 and keep him away from sin. 

I also ask that You reveal Yourself to him

 and that he gets to experience Your love

 and how it is to be Your child. 

In Jesus' Name, Amen.