Guest Blogger: T

I have been so busy at the office that I haven't had time to blog. That, plus broadband at home is on and off. So today, we're doing it a tad different. I have a Guest Blogger! My friend T wrote this on her blog today and I asked if I could repost for all of you. If you regularly check my reading pane on the left (Daily Read), you will find her blog there. T and I were schoolmates back when life was easier. We've both had to deal with trials in our lives - we each have a heavy cross to carry, and yet, we find encouragement in each other.

T has had to deal with more than her fair share of hardship in the past 10 years, and more in the past month alone. She wrote this piece to get a load off her chest. I love how she writes, and I hope you find this piece beautiful. I was in tears.

Operation: Rescue

I think I lost all my writing skills this past week. In fact, I have lost a lot of things in my life that it probably would never be the same again. I don't understand it. I cannot wrap my head around the betrayal I've had to face these past few days. I feel disgusted, upset, furious, hurt, relieved, confused... just about every emotion a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister would never want to feel. I opened doors wide open to something that Ive worked so hard on. The very thing I valued the most.

I opened my marriage unknowingly to Satan. I handed it on a silver platter to him.

Now, here I am. Broken. In pieces. In shock. The truth hit me like a sledge hammer in my heart, a knife through my back. I literally felt the physical pain when God handed me the bitter truth in the worst possible way. I remember feeling lightheaded and kapow! Game over. It probably would be a tad bit easier... just a tad bit easier if I had a slight insight. Or if the other party was someone I didn't know. But to be absolutely CLUELESS and all of a sudden shoved with the truth to your face... well, I felt like an absolute jerk. It took all my self control not to self destruct or worst, destroy him.

The biggest question that I wanted to know was WHY? Why did they do this to me? Why did this all happen right under my nose without me knowing? I was with her every weekend. I talked and chatted with her everyday. I just saw her 3 weeks ago. The last thing she did was hold me and whispered in my ear "I love you T. Sobra, you don't even know how much. Love na love kita."

Good God. It makes my stomach churn.

I gave him an out. I said the door is open. Walk out. Go ahead. If she is your true love, I don't want you to come back to me someday and tell me that I kept you from leaving. Not my style. Unlike her, I didn't threaten to kill myself if he left. I will not pretend that it'd be ok that he would walk out, but it would not kill me. I gave him 3 days to decide. He said he didn't need three days. That he knew he loved me, his family...that she was a cry for help.

But what do I know? Everything I knew, treasured and cared for almost the past year was a lie. It makes me shiver how I let that person in my house. Cared for her like a sister. Defended her when everybody told me that she was lurking like a lion ready to pounce. I said she would never be able to do something like that to me! She's a good friend. I cannot even wrap my head around something like that... incomprehensible to the point of impossible. No one can be that thick. Nobody can be that big of a snake. I would never do something like that, therefore nobody could hurt me that way as well.

BIG MISTAKE. HUGE.

I wasn't prepared at all. Just thinking about it right now makes my blood boil.

Now, where do we go from here? Now here I am picking up the bits and pieces they broke. Who is hurting the most now? Now I have to give out blind trust... its not fair. Trust is earned. Now that's all gone. Now if i want to move on, I have to take a leap of faith. It reminds me of that scene in Indiana Jones where he was at the edge of the cliff and he kept mumbling "leap of faith. leap of faith." Then he threw himself over and sure enough Jehovah provided the road.

The key word in that scene was Jehovah. For him to take that leap of faith, he had to spell out God's name. Call it out and take that leap of faith.

The past week and a half has been an absolute turmoil. But it finally broke me. I had to search my heart and look at the deepest part of me. I had to make myself accountable. Between me and my God. I had to take myself back 18 years ago. I had to take myself back the past year. Now I see things clearly. So clearly that I could kick myself if I could.

I had to call out to God. All of a sudden my philosophy with her was ridiculous. "Do what makes you happy. Do it. Life is short. Whatever makes us happy. Who cares what others say?"

What a silly outlook. What a selfish, conceited, overconfident outlook that I had. It was just like saying "Who cares what God says? if it feels good, it must be ok. It makes me happy. So there."

Boy, I could see God just grabbing me by the neck on that high horse and pushing me to the ground.

And God said ENOUGH.
Enough of your pride.
Enough of your confidence in yourself.
Enough of doing what makes you happy, out of God's will.
Enough of the blatant disregard for the rules of life.
Your enemy will never play fair. Never.

God gave me all the warning I needed. Through lessons on friendship on how I needed to step back . Through people. Everybody warned me. That's no exaggeration. Everybody who was close to me warned me. But because my perception was so distorted, reality escaped me like a bird flying in the dark. God loved me so much that He warned me "There's a storm coming. A big one."

And I DID NOT LISTEN.

In the end, the last straw is always to go back. Back to basics. Back to the Lord. The words "Apart from me you are nothing" plays over and over in my head. Apart from God, we are unworthy. Apart from Him, we will self destruct. Apart from Him, everything is in shambles. Meaningless.

But praise God. In all things give praise.
It was a bitter pill to swallow. But I had to.
It was a lesson in unconditional love. Absolute forgiveness.

All of a sudden my marriage meant the world to me. For the past years I have threatened to give up. Walk away. Start anew. Now I have every reason to go. Every reason to walk away. Every right to wrap it all up... it made me realize how much my husband meant to me. How I want to believe that He who began a good work in me and him will be faithful to complete it. That we are both accountable. Forget her. Easier said than done, but forget her. The forbidden fruit tastes good. The thrill of it. But you bite into that you are immediately cast out of your Eden. Out of God's will.

God forgive me. I trusted people instead of You. I looked the other way even though You tried to break it to me gently. I waited for failure.

But my God is a God of mercy. It's been years since we've both prayed together. Now we are down on our knees, begging. Begging for God to take us back in his Will. Begging him to take a hold of the mess we created. Offering ourselves in sacrifice, holy and acceptable to be called children of God once again.

In the end, God saved my soul. My life. AGAIN . Again and again and again.

Last night my husband reminded me of a song he dedicated to me when he was still trying to date me. Now the words of "So Amazing" by Luther Vandross meant the world to me. All of a sudden it wasn't as cheesy as I told him then. I forgot about that. We are both reminded. We have come so far. Since 1993.

It's not easy. One minute I'm ok, the next I feel someone's bashing me in the head. All these rollercoaster of emotions.

She is not important. She's an absolute nobody in the bigger picture. She was not my friend to begin with. Now that I am looking back, she had her eyes dead set on ruining us. Day one. I had an instinct on day one but I got distracted. Distracted by other situations. Distracted by flattery. Distracted by my warped way of looking at life.

Sometimes I wonder why I let myself go so far away again from looking to God when I of all people should know first hand that God will not be mocked. He will not stand idly by and let his children destroy themselves.

This circumstance revealed both our characters. How weak we are. Pathetic. Apart from God's will we are headed for failure. 100% guaranteed destruction.

When all this was revealed, I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy all this time. Now, I don't know him.

But everyday, things get better. Even the slightest inch helps.

Someday I will heal.

Right now I am rediscovering him in an entirely new way. My role is suddenly redefined. I had to stake my claim. Fight for what is rightfully mine. Aggressively. Satan is not sitting by like a dove. He is aggressively trying to kill, steal and destroy me. I have to put on my armour. My dusty, old armour and fight for what God has given me . What he set apart for me. I will go to battle , eyes wide open. I will not be moved. I claim victory in my life. I claim happiness. I claim my husband.

God rescued me. He rescued him. He rescued my family. He said He will not leave me nor forsake me and He made good on that promise. He had no plans for us to end this way. He didn't give us miracle after miracle just so we can just waste it. But we had to make that choice. That holy vow we did 15 years ago. It is holy. What God has put together let no man put asunder. It was sealed with a kiss. A holy kiss. Not the kiss of death . The gift of new life. From that holy vow came 3 children we both would take a bullet for. That holy vow was made in love. In faith.

God, take me back in to the Holy of Holies. I am absolutely horrified with myself at how blatantly I mocked you through my life that you have so preciously preserved.

I am standing at the edge of the cliff.

J-E-H-O-V-A-H.

Leap of faith.

Leap of faith.

And my Jehovah provided a road to stand on. A way out. Leap of faith.

“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced; They shall be as nothing, And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them–Those who contended with you. Those who war against you Shall be as nothing, As a nonexistent thing. For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, “Fear not, I will help you.” Isaiah 41:10-13

Taken from Work In Progress - my good friend T's blog here. Please include her and her family in your prayers.

Of Girl Friends and Marriage... TAKE TWO

Note: I've been wanting to write this piece for the longest time. But I had too many thoughts and too little time to fill a blog entry. So it had to wait. Today, I decided that the post would be worth sitting in the heat for (my living room feels like a sauna!). Besides, I really wanted to stay home today and send entries to A's Disney thing (she won again!).

So here I am, in shock over the turn of events. I received a letter today from an old friend. She just found out that her husband is having an affair with a best friend. BEST FRIEND! I am enraged. Mainly because my friend has been going through so much already. Her father had just been diagnosed with cancer, top that with the fact that she's been dealing with a lifelong disease for years already. She's been in and out of the hospital, and really, she doesn't need the added stress.

I really don't know what to say. I mean, I know how it feels, but to be betrayed by a best friend you love and trust... I can only imagine how heartbroken my friend is right now. Angry, crazy-mad, vindictive, but mostly, sad. Man, I could just break her husband's nose!

Just recently, I was accused of trying to destroy a friend's marriage. Crazy, but true. I was merely being a friend to a friend by warning them about a recent guest they had over for dinner at their house. Alas, this was misinterpreted and I was pushed to be on the receiving end of insults and what-nots (even comments on another blog that talked about this blog) from the angry wife. I may have been trying to save them from a scam-in-the-making, but hey, I know when to draw the line... because I have been in her shoes, and I KNOW how it feels to have a girl friend intrude into married space.

No excuse though. I thought I was doing my friend a favor. I forgot I could be discrediting the wife, who happens to be a friend of the guest. They ended up fighting. I ended up "causing" the fight. Ayayay. :( So I chose to stay away - forget it that my guy friend was one of my best buds from college. I am not going to be the friend who interferes. I am sorry it happened the way it did, but I sure know when I've crossed the line. So goodbye to you, my friend.

I have come across many a girl friend, probably harmless ones at that (some I regret ever confronting) and I know how it feels when a marriage gets threatened. R had a lot (a LOT!) of girl friends. He was quick to introduce some, but the ones he kept under the radar had me going all paranoid. And I know I've written about how one should just give it all to God, and how, no matter how vindictive and angry you can get, there is no way out of the situation but by surrendering it to the Only One in control.

But really, not to get everyone paranoid, how does one protect a marriage from intruding friends?

DRAW THE LINE

R had a close girl friend from the gym, and she was always "too friendly". I was thankful that he introduced her to me, and got us close and all, but the friendship was just too much. She was always, ALWAYS around. Family time became family time + friend, which of course, didn't sit well with me. It was ok at first, but it reached the point where R would tell me to pay for the friend's meal because she gave him a lot of favors, etc. I mean, you owe her, I don't. And let me tell you how they were always, ALWAYS together. They often had dinner together, lunch, merienda, you name it! She was always around. And all over him. She was the touch-y, feel-y type and that just wasn't right. Not with a married man.

There was also this girl I confronted in 2008. I was happily minding my own business when I saw R and friend having coffee outside the place where I worked out (we didn't go to the same gym then). It was close to 10pm and I watched them for a whole hour (yes, yes, loser me, I know). I had called one of our pastor friends for help, and was actually advised to leave and lift the situation to God. But I was stubborn and after more than an hour of waiting, I saw it fit to confront R and T (girl friend). After being told she wasn't a homewrecker, I only had these words for her: "It's close to midnight, what friend keeps a man away from his family at this ghastly hour?"

KEEP GUARD UP

I remember hearing tons of advice from women who had to go through the same trials I've had. On how maintaining a quiet and gentle spirit does the trick vs. confrontation and paranoia. Right, love is not jealous. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't be vigilant. On the contrary, a pastor once said, you have to protect your marriage from going into shambles. Protect it from adultery, like a shepherd guards his flock against wolves.

So when warning signs flash and you absolutely KNOW something is amiss, keep your guard up. My friend noticed that her husband was extra chummy with the best friend. They drank a lot together, shared private jokes with each other, etc. She had suspected something was up, a couple of friends had already warned her about it, but love for her best friend prevailed.

AND YES, SURRENDER IT ALL TO GOD

I actually don't know what advice I can give my friend. Except maybe to be strong and to allow God to weave all this together into something beautiful. God meant it for good, Hun. I know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you love and trust, but I can only imagine how painful it must be to lose both husband and friend.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20

Families ARE NOT Meant to be Broken.

this thought is swirling in my head.

~~~

right now, the events of last week has finally sunk in. i had to down two Panadols (extra strength!) last night just to get my head right. so much for the headache, what about the heartache?

i have been contemplating game plans for the past 24 hours. my constant question to J is "what should i do?" and of course she doesn't give me a decent reply. she doesn't know either.

with the much-dreaded friday looming, i am praying for wisdom. i keep telling myself "c'mon, Kaye. this is nothing compared to all the other things you know." but that's just it. i have learned and am still learning to forgive all of them, and it is easier to do so with the rest of them, because they were deceived into it all. i remember texting T how i wanted to tell her a zillion things when i saw her in Gloria Jean's and in 7-11, but decided that if i was gonna forgive her, i had to do that right then and there. so i texted her and forgave her (i didn't get a reply, but i wanted to let go of 6+ years of torment!). even if she didn't deserve it. even if she didn't seem to want it. no, i do not wish to carry all the bitterness. i don't want foes. my pain shouldn't stop me from showing God's love to all these women... even if they do not deserve it, from me, of all people.

thought balloon: how is it that God chose to bless me with such a colorful life?

because of last week's events, i am faced with a choice - one that is eating me up. sigh. yes, i have never felt this way before. i am feeling very vindictive (dugz, your word for the day). you can choose to hurt me, but once you cross the line and hurt my daughter, it's a different story altogether. every time i am tempted to give up and fly off to far, far away, i think about my daughter and what this would do to her. as a mother, i am crushed, and i know it is of no question whether to stay or go. of course i want a family for my daughter. that is why i cannot understand how this person chose to shut out that fact, given that we live in such a small, small world. yes (and i know you read my blog), i don't understand. i am angry and if i had my way, i'd slap you right across studio one on friday. but i won't have my way, and I AM NOT LIKE YOU. i will not choose to destroy your family, even if you attempted to destroy mine.

no, families are not meant to be broken. even if it seems like the best solution is to leave everything behind, pack up, and start a new life. it's just sad that it has come to this. that people's concept of sin has been rationalized to justify sin. Pastor Chinkee's message yesterday was perfect! you can attempt to rationalize adultery to just about anything: affairs, one night stands, patikim lang, accidents, etc. etc. but that does not negate the fact that what you did is a sin. thing is, you must face your consequences head-on. you cannot shy away from the fact that you chose to sin. but i will not be the one to judge you for your reasons. i won't be able to understand anyway. just stay away from my family and attend to yours.

Struggling with Forgiveness.

It is almost 6pm, and I have been trying to finish the business plan for a principal all day. But my mind is elsewhere. I hate it when this happens.

As I've mentioned yesterday, there are a zillion things going on, and my mind is spinning with thoughts of what-ifs. Yes, this is not me. I am more on acting on my troubles. I don't sit quietly and wait. But God is telling me to wait. Sadly, my tongue is faster than a speeding bullet (SuperTongue!). Nyar.

So today, I sit here struggling. How can I wait on the Lord when my insides are screaming and my head feels like it is about to explode? Grabe - that is all i can say right now. For 6 years, I have been faced with similar troubles, and with each pain, I struggled with forgiveness. Pastor D, when talking about forgiveness two Sunday services ago, pointed out that when one forgives, he or she must learn not to be historical. Forgiveness entails forgetting it ever happened. Heck, I don't even know where and how to begin. The first time I ever had to deal with anything, I struggled with the thought for two whole years. And I only started to forget about the pain that incident caused me because it was replaced by something even bigger! I'm sorry, Pastor D, but when you mentioned it in your message, I wanted to raise my hand and say "but wives are only historical when history repeats itself!"

And you know what, each time I am faced with a new, yet similar situation, I am reminded of each situation in the past. How, oh how, in the world will I act, think and speak as if it never happened? When I attended Tita T's wake back in November, I met up with L who asked about R. R was still in the US that time. I told her about how I know the devil will not sit on this opportunity to attack our family (as he's done so several times in the past) and that I know all I can really do is pray. She reminded me about my prayer several years ago when I decided to change my perspective on R's life - pray for a forgiving heart.

And since then, I've been asking the Lord for just that... for the grace to show him unconditional and agape love - one that surpasses all understanding. But there are times when I sit there thinking about all that he has done and I find myself with no more love and forgiveness to give. :( But amidst all the anger and pain, I cannot find it in my heart to seek revenge. I have been accused of many, many things. I have been accused of destroying his reputation, of telling my daughter that she has a bad father, of creating Friendster accounts to malign him, of texting his friends about his evil ways, etc. Yes, many things. But you, reader of my blog, know very well how much I love him, how I'd fight for my family, and even how I admit my husband is the better parent! How can someone seeking to protect her family, destroy it by planting evil into it's very core?

I've learned a great deal of things this week - issues I cannot seem to let go of. It has shattered my impression of R and a number of people he's dealt with in the past and present. I cannot even begin to understand why. And it hasn't all sunk in. But my insides are screaming. And screaming. And screaming. Yes, I am struggling with forgiveness. This time, it is doubly hard. For the past two days, I've tried avoiding him. I've stopped talking to him, hugging him, calling him, etc - even when God has prodded me to show him unconditional love.

You know how your kids disobey and yet, even when you want to get mad for the rest of your life, you just can't? Well, it's the same with R. I just can't. I now see him through my Father's eyes... Okay, I am trying to see him that way. I know I have to forgive him and I do. But I can't say I completely have, because I am still struggling with the thought of it all. No, I don't know where to begin. So i read through my blogs, and I read through the emails I sent him when he was in the US. Because i needed to re-learn how to let go and let God.

So the other night, I listed down Ways on How to Wait Patiently on the Lord. I came up with twelve.

1. BE QUIET AND GENTLE. (1 Peter 3:1-4) *struggle* I can't even hold my tongue! Today, as he left for the gym, I kept muttering "Ang kapal nya a! Grabe! Grabe!"

2. DEFEAT THE DEVIL BY PRAISING GOD IN ALL THINGS - IN ALL SITUATIONS. My father once told me that the devil wants to see if we will still cleave to the Lord even when our situations seem bleak. So you defeat the devil by praising God in spite of your situation.

3. RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO NAG, LECTURE, TALK ABOUT PAST HURTS, ETC. *struggle* Like I said, I am not only historical when history repeats itself. Sometimes, I even get hysterical. :P

4. PRAY! (James 5:16) Need I tell you how prayer can move mountains? Also, the other night I realized that each time I prayed, I prayed about R. I realized that my prayer time became all about R and no longer about God and me. The events in my life are also about my relationship with the Lord, so I quickly had to acknowledge that and changed the contents of my prayers.

5. KNOW THAT GOD IS AT WORK EVEN WHEN WE DO NOT SEE IT. Funny thing happened a few weeks ago. I was struggling with a revelation (something I've been praying for for weeks but have not seen results to) so I confronted R about it only to find out that God has already taken care of the situation. Napahiya tuloy ako.

6. READ THE BIBLE AND EQUIP SELF WITH THE POWER OF GOD'S WORD. PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD. (Deuteronomy 17:19) See, I even found a verse to go with this. Thanks to my daily quiet time, hehe.

7. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. SHOW GOD'S AGAPE LOVE. (Romans 5:8) I was just telling S on Wednesday night... "God forgives us each time we fall short, I want to do the same thing for R." Amazing love.

8. FORGIVE. 24/7. Yea, yea... the non-historical, non-hysterical kind.

9. WWJD. ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WHAT JESUS WILL DO IN THE SAME SITUATION... THEN DO THAT.

10. TRUST IN GOD AND SEE THAT VICTORY IS NEAR! Back in 2004, when R and I started having difficulties, I'd stand on our balcony and swear on giving up. But fancy how Cityland Mega Plaza would always be in view, with Cityland's signature "IN GOD WE TRUST" motto shouting reminders at me - telling me to put my trust in God, not in men.

11. DO NOT TAKE THINGS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. THE LORD IS AT WORK. *struggle* Like I said, I am not the type who'd sit around and mope. I want action. In fact, if I didn't want to do things God's way right now, I'd call someone right now to give her a good piece of my mind. Ha! But God is steering my ship.

12. DON'T LOSE COURAGE OR BE AFRAID. THE LORD IS FIGHTING FOR YOU! (Deuteronomy 20:3-4) Yes, with God as Commander-in-Chief, great is the army fighting for me!

I've often wondered why I have to go through so many troubles. The answer came a few months ago when a friend started going through similar pain. Then a few weeks ago, I got a message from an old acquaintance asking for counselling on her marriage. God is using me to reach out to others and to show them His love. I am comforted by this and even encouraged to know that others are looking to me for strength and answers.

Yes, yes... amazing grace and comfort has come my way - enough to sustain me and give strength enough for each day. I am not Wonderwoman or Supergirl, and I am still struggling with my own pain and how to truly forgive, but the decision to stay and wait on the Lord is FINAL. I will not give up. When any outsider sees how evil has taken over and how ugly this whole thing has become, they'd easily push for divorce or separation. But God is very clear (yes, S, he is!) when He says He HATES divorce. I will do this for God. So in my struggle, let Him be glorified. In my pain, let the devil be defeated with praise. J was right when she told S that I wasn't expecting my rewards on earth. I just want my family to experience God's limitless, unconditional love. That is the legacy I want to leave behind. That is the legacy I choose to leave behind. I am being pruned by the Lord, but at least I will learn the lesson of forgiveness well.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.