Struggling with Forgiveness.

It is almost 6pm, and I have been trying to finish the business plan for a principal all day. But my mind is elsewhere. I hate it when this happens.

As I've mentioned yesterday, there are a zillion things going on, and my mind is spinning with thoughts of what-ifs. Yes, this is not me. I am more on acting on my troubles. I don't sit quietly and wait. But God is telling me to wait. Sadly, my tongue is faster than a speeding bullet (SuperTongue!). Nyar.

So today, I sit here struggling. How can I wait on the Lord when my insides are screaming and my head feels like it is about to explode? Grabe - that is all i can say right now. For 6 years, I have been faced with similar troubles, and with each pain, I struggled with forgiveness. Pastor D, when talking about forgiveness two Sunday services ago, pointed out that when one forgives, he or she must learn not to be historical. Forgiveness entails forgetting it ever happened. Heck, I don't even know where and how to begin. The first time I ever had to deal with anything, I struggled with the thought for two whole years. And I only started to forget about the pain that incident caused me because it was replaced by something even bigger! I'm sorry, Pastor D, but when you mentioned it in your message, I wanted to raise my hand and say "but wives are only historical when history repeats itself!"

And you know what, each time I am faced with a new, yet similar situation, I am reminded of each situation in the past. How, oh how, in the world will I act, think and speak as if it never happened? When I attended Tita T's wake back in November, I met up with L who asked about R. R was still in the US that time. I told her about how I know the devil will not sit on this opportunity to attack our family (as he's done so several times in the past) and that I know all I can really do is pray. She reminded me about my prayer several years ago when I decided to change my perspective on R's life - pray for a forgiving heart.

And since then, I've been asking the Lord for just that... for the grace to show him unconditional and agape love - one that surpasses all understanding. But there are times when I sit there thinking about all that he has done and I find myself with no more love and forgiveness to give. :( But amidst all the anger and pain, I cannot find it in my heart to seek revenge. I have been accused of many, many things. I have been accused of destroying his reputation, of telling my daughter that she has a bad father, of creating Friendster accounts to malign him, of texting his friends about his evil ways, etc. Yes, many things. But you, reader of my blog, know very well how much I love him, how I'd fight for my family, and even how I admit my husband is the better parent! How can someone seeking to protect her family, destroy it by planting evil into it's very core?

I've learned a great deal of things this week - issues I cannot seem to let go of. It has shattered my impression of R and a number of people he's dealt with in the past and present. I cannot even begin to understand why. And it hasn't all sunk in. But my insides are screaming. And screaming. And screaming. Yes, I am struggling with forgiveness. This time, it is doubly hard. For the past two days, I've tried avoiding him. I've stopped talking to him, hugging him, calling him, etc - even when God has prodded me to show him unconditional love.

You know how your kids disobey and yet, even when you want to get mad for the rest of your life, you just can't? Well, it's the same with R. I just can't. I now see him through my Father's eyes... Okay, I am trying to see him that way. I know I have to forgive him and I do. But I can't say I completely have, because I am still struggling with the thought of it all. No, I don't know where to begin. So i read through my blogs, and I read through the emails I sent him when he was in the US. Because i needed to re-learn how to let go and let God.

So the other night, I listed down Ways on How to Wait Patiently on the Lord. I came up with twelve.

1. BE QUIET AND GENTLE. (1 Peter 3:1-4) *struggle* I can't even hold my tongue! Today, as he left for the gym, I kept muttering "Ang kapal nya a! Grabe! Grabe!"

2. DEFEAT THE DEVIL BY PRAISING GOD IN ALL THINGS - IN ALL SITUATIONS. My father once told me that the devil wants to see if we will still cleave to the Lord even when our situations seem bleak. So you defeat the devil by praising God in spite of your situation.

3. RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO NAG, LECTURE, TALK ABOUT PAST HURTS, ETC. *struggle* Like I said, I am not only historical when history repeats itself. Sometimes, I even get hysterical. :P

4. PRAY! (James 5:16) Need I tell you how prayer can move mountains? Also, the other night I realized that each time I prayed, I prayed about R. I realized that my prayer time became all about R and no longer about God and me. The events in my life are also about my relationship with the Lord, so I quickly had to acknowledge that and changed the contents of my prayers.

5. KNOW THAT GOD IS AT WORK EVEN WHEN WE DO NOT SEE IT. Funny thing happened a few weeks ago. I was struggling with a revelation (something I've been praying for for weeks but have not seen results to) so I confronted R about it only to find out that God has already taken care of the situation. Napahiya tuloy ako.

6. READ THE BIBLE AND EQUIP SELF WITH THE POWER OF GOD'S WORD. PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD. (Deuteronomy 17:19) See, I even found a verse to go with this. Thanks to my daily quiet time, hehe.

7. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. SHOW GOD'S AGAPE LOVE. (Romans 5:8) I was just telling S on Wednesday night... "God forgives us each time we fall short, I want to do the same thing for R." Amazing love.

8. FORGIVE. 24/7. Yea, yea... the non-historical, non-hysterical kind.

9. WWJD. ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WHAT JESUS WILL DO IN THE SAME SITUATION... THEN DO THAT.

10. TRUST IN GOD AND SEE THAT VICTORY IS NEAR! Back in 2004, when R and I started having difficulties, I'd stand on our balcony and swear on giving up. But fancy how Cityland Mega Plaza would always be in view, with Cityland's signature "IN GOD WE TRUST" motto shouting reminders at me - telling me to put my trust in God, not in men.

11. DO NOT TAKE THINGS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. THE LORD IS AT WORK. *struggle* Like I said, I am not the type who'd sit around and mope. I want action. In fact, if I didn't want to do things God's way right now, I'd call someone right now to give her a good piece of my mind. Ha! But God is steering my ship.

12. DON'T LOSE COURAGE OR BE AFRAID. THE LORD IS FIGHTING FOR YOU! (Deuteronomy 20:3-4) Yes, with God as Commander-in-Chief, great is the army fighting for me!

I've often wondered why I have to go through so many troubles. The answer came a few months ago when a friend started going through similar pain. Then a few weeks ago, I got a message from an old acquaintance asking for counselling on her marriage. God is using me to reach out to others and to show them His love. I am comforted by this and even encouraged to know that others are looking to me for strength and answers.

Yes, yes... amazing grace and comfort has come my way - enough to sustain me and give strength enough for each day. I am not Wonderwoman or Supergirl, and I am still struggling with my own pain and how to truly forgive, but the decision to stay and wait on the Lord is FINAL. I will not give up. When any outsider sees how evil has taken over and how ugly this whole thing has become, they'd easily push for divorce or separation. But God is very clear (yes, S, he is!) when He says He HATES divorce. I will do this for God. So in my struggle, let Him be glorified. In my pain, let the devil be defeated with praise. J was right when she told S that I wasn't expecting my rewards on earth. I just want my family to experience God's limitless, unconditional love. That is the legacy I want to leave behind. That is the legacy I choose to leave behind. I am being pruned by the Lord, but at least I will learn the lesson of forgiveness well.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.