Families ARE NOT Meant to be Broken.

this thought is swirling in my head.

~~~

right now, the events of last week has finally sunk in. i had to down two Panadols (extra strength!) last night just to get my head right. so much for the headache, what about the heartache?

i have been contemplating game plans for the past 24 hours. my constant question to J is "what should i do?" and of course she doesn't give me a decent reply. she doesn't know either.

with the much-dreaded friday looming, i am praying for wisdom. i keep telling myself "c'mon, Kaye. this is nothing compared to all the other things you know." but that's just it. i have learned and am still learning to forgive all of them, and it is easier to do so with the rest of them, because they were deceived into it all. i remember texting T how i wanted to tell her a zillion things when i saw her in Gloria Jean's and in 7-11, but decided that if i was gonna forgive her, i had to do that right then and there. so i texted her and forgave her (i didn't get a reply, but i wanted to let go of 6+ years of torment!). even if she didn't deserve it. even if she didn't seem to want it. no, i do not wish to carry all the bitterness. i don't want foes. my pain shouldn't stop me from showing God's love to all these women... even if they do not deserve it, from me, of all people.

thought balloon: how is it that God chose to bless me with such a colorful life?

because of last week's events, i am faced with a choice - one that is eating me up. sigh. yes, i have never felt this way before. i am feeling very vindictive (dugz, your word for the day). you can choose to hurt me, but once you cross the line and hurt my daughter, it's a different story altogether. every time i am tempted to give up and fly off to far, far away, i think about my daughter and what this would do to her. as a mother, i am crushed, and i know it is of no question whether to stay or go. of course i want a family for my daughter. that is why i cannot understand how this person chose to shut out that fact, given that we live in such a small, small world. yes (and i know you read my blog), i don't understand. i am angry and if i had my way, i'd slap you right across studio one on friday. but i won't have my way, and I AM NOT LIKE YOU. i will not choose to destroy your family, even if you attempted to destroy mine.

no, families are not meant to be broken. even if it seems like the best solution is to leave everything behind, pack up, and start a new life. it's just sad that it has come to this. that people's concept of sin has been rationalized to justify sin. Pastor Chinkee's message yesterday was perfect! you can attempt to rationalize adultery to just about anything: affairs, one night stands, patikim lang, accidents, etc. etc. but that does not negate the fact that what you did is a sin. thing is, you must face your consequences head-on. you cannot shy away from the fact that you chose to sin. but i will not be the one to judge you for your reasons. i won't be able to understand anyway. just stay away from my family and attend to yours.