Oh, Mother's Day.

It is now 2am, and I can't sleep. I've been blogging this post in my head all night. So I thought I might as well type away while I'm at it. A and I had an ugly argument in the car earlier. I was so frustrated, I ended up sending her home with my mom and KY. 

A has been spending most of the summer at my mom's place. She has Trumpets in the afternoons, so we all thought it would be best for her to stay over my folks' so their driver can take her to class. It's not that it's a bad idea. I actually welcome the opportunity, for her. But maybe it makes her see the contrast of lifestyles, and she has noted the differences out loud, more than once or twice. Not that it matters, but this evening, she once again expressed disgust over how full the car was (she has complained more than once about how it irritates her to have a lot of things in the car and house - I sell toys, etc to make extra money). I came from a meeting with the BentoMommas, and had to lug stock back to our warehouse as i handle dispatching of orders for the group. So the back seat was brimming with this and that, and she didn't have space for her overnighter. 

I don't know. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because I was tired (drove through a total of four hours of traffic today), but I took offense right away. I don't know if she thinks I chose my circumstances, but it hurts me to think that she, of all people, do not understand. I know I am not a perfect mom, nor am I the perfect parent. But I try my best, given the circumstances. And it pains me that she overlooks all my hard work. 

Okay, so maybe I am having entitlement issues. I know I am wrong to think this way. I just wish that sometimes, the kids don't take my efforts forgranted. I wish they'd think through our circumstances and know I am trying my darn best to make life easier for them - to make things work.

There is nothing I would like more in this world than to give my kids the life I know they deserve. And I've given up so much just so they can have some semblance of what my life was like before I got married. It does not matter to me that I cannot have the things I used to have. It doesn't matter if i don't get to buy that nice, expensive bag; or that I've had to forego buying myself jewelry or taking a vacation just because I have to make tuition payments, or if I have to save up for something for them. I know of mothers who give up so much more, just for their kids. And it's not like I am forced to choose. I willingly choose to put them first, without much thought. It is automatic - and it is the same for most mothers. So yes, woe is me for getting on the pity party bus. (Must be hormones. Bah!)

Why does one have to give up something just so another can have it better anyway? Sacrifice must be inherent in mothers. It must have been programmed in their hearts from the very beginning. They give up space in their bodies (and eventually that sexy figure) to house a child for 9 whole months. They give up many a good night's (or day's) sleep. They give up work and their time just to make sure their kids have it better. Sometimes, they even give up their own happiness. Ah yes, sacrifice. I know it all too well. 

I have a good friend who, after an ugly divorce, gave up being with her kids just so they can continue living the good life with their dad. An ex-officemate sacrifices her time, money - up to the very last cent, just so her only daughter isn't ridiculed in school for being poor. I know of moms who don't even get to eat a decent meal, just so their kids get their day's fill of food. Or the moms who choose to work away from her kids in order for her to earn enough to send them to good schools, and give them a bright future. Or the young mom who gives up her child to her parents or to another couple knowing they can provide better for her little one. Hard choices. And yet the bottomline remains the same - we do it for our children, the very ones that define us as moms.

And yet, here I am, sitting on my bed, hours before dawn on Mother's Day, thinking through these thoughts. I grumble and think I deserve at least an ounce of appreciation for all these sacrifices. And yet, I know, I don't quite deserve it because it was my choice to sacrifice for my kids' benefit anyway. I did so without expecting anything in return, and yet, why does it hurt me when they don't recognize it, or when they do not seem to appreciate all that I've done? 

Mothers only have good dreams for their children. When A was a baby, I'd sit by her bedside and dream of how she'd turn out to be. I think about how my own mom probably imagined the same when I was a baby. The thought that I gave her much disappointment just wrings my heart dry. There is a particular photo in one of those albums at home that is etched on my mind. On it, my mom cuddles me to her face. At that particular moment, she is probably dreaming up the world for me - her firstborn. It tears me up every time I think about it. I have similar photos of my kids in my head, and it just scares me that one day, I'll be heaving heavy sighs every time those photos come to mind. I now know how hard it is to parent a child! 

I am grateful that my mom loves me in spite of the many heartaches I gave her. It can be difficult to choose empathy over anger, especially when we've been wronged by people we care the most about. And I've failed this many, many times. Case in point: last night's episode in the car. I know I was wrong. If I feel unappreciated, then maybe I failed somewhere. Maybe A doesn't really know, maybe she doesn't quite understand our situation. It was all me and my self-pity. Bah! Can't I just protect my kids from all this?!

I get it now. Motherhood is not meant for wimps. It is one of the hardest, if not the toughest, jobs in the world. I'll say it again, I am not the perfect mother - I am far from perfect. But God must have thought me worthy to be one. I can only pray I do this job well. Regardless if I feel unappreciated sometimes. 

What He Doesn't Know...

You know how they say "What you don't know won't hurt you"? Well, I've been thinking about RL and what he doesn't know.

RL's been obsessed with having a dad lately. And well, the first 3 years of his life, he was okay with not knowing (or actively having) one.

First and only photo of father and son. Until RL turned 3.

Taken early 2012, during one of his visits to Manila. 

When R came home unexpectedly over the Christmas holidays, we were surprised to see how RL took to his dad immediately. He wasn't even shy, nor did he need warming up to R. In fact, he stayed up past 2am to watch his dad unpack. The very next day, he went out to the courtyard and announced proudly to our neighbors how he now has a daddy.

It bites. This innocent, little boy knows nothing of his father's sins.

And I write about this today because RL has been calling his dad a lot, sometimes more than 3x a week. I caught A discouraging the little boy Monday night, "Don't call daddy na, he will not answer" (and there are days when he doesn't, leaving RL calling and calling until I catch him and tell him his dad's probably asleep or busy). But RL is persistent and waits until R picks up, and he rattles off about school and how he wants to go to Jollibee and the palengke, plus all the usual stuff a boy normally tells his dad. I leave the room because I don't want R to think this was my doing. I've actually given up on him. It's true. I hardly ever answer his calls, and if I do, I make sure it's a minute long, tops (don't ask; let's just say this broken heart's tired).

A tells me later that their dad promised he'd be home by end-June. Ah, yes! Another promise waiting to be broken. The last time he spoke to RL about coming home, he did say "next week", which was over two months ago. And the last time I had a decent conversation with him, he mentioned he was busy and had to postpone coming home.

So anyway, here we were with another promise - a promise the little boy is holding on to. He says he's going "driving" with his dad - an activity that thrills him to no end. And yet, it is a promise that holds no promise (do you get what I mean)? It may not happen. Again.

Driving with daddy! The little boy's favorite Father and Son activity!

I am sure you are doing a "tsk, tsk" and are probably thinking - "K naman, you of little faith". Let me say it again. I am tired.

But RL knows nothing. He probably has no concept of time, aside from what happened yesterday and what happens later today and tomorrow. I know he'll most likely forget that his dad gave him a timeline. All he knows is that his dad is coming home, and that he isn't home yet.

So what happens tomorrow when he finally realizes the truth? Or when he finally sees that the basket he's holding is brimming with empty and broken promises?

Sigh.

In other news, A told me the other day that she thinks she doesn't want her Father's Day post published on the blog. I skimmed through her notes and see how she's gone from adoring and very forgiving daughter to an obviously bitter and hurting one. She's eleven now, and I guess it has finally dawned on her. It's funny how a few years back, she had the same unconditional admiration. Her dad was her hero, and like RL, nothing could deter her from feeling anything but adoration for R.

Right now, his dad is his hero.

So tell me, should I intervene? I promised myself once that I will not allow RL to go through what A has gone through. And yet, here we are - at similar crossroads - weighing the consequences.

What RL doesn't know will eventually hurt him. But I don't have the heart to take what little he has of his dad away from him. In the meantime, I guess, we stay still, pray, and wait.

Remembering God's Goodness

I was driving to work today. Actually, I was driving home last night and thinking about life in general, and my thoughts from last night came back as I drove to work this morning. My thoughts? Well, last night, I was thinking this: Life isn't exactly as grand as I would have wanted it to be. I am feeling needy. Not wanting, but a little needy. I must admit, I have my toes in a rut. Alam mo yon? I feel fine, but then there are days... days when I know I haven't been doing enough, hence my state of being - our state of being (meaning my little family).

I suppose this feeling is an indirect result of our recent Korea trip. I didn't want to take any trips this year (even cancelled our annual Hong Kong escapade) because I wanted to be out of debt for a change, plus we're trying to save up for something bigger in the next two years. But then, my mom got us tickets and everything else happened. While there, I realized how blessed my little family was is and yet, at the back of my mind, my thoughts kept bringing me back to how it was when I was growing up. My parents provided for everything.

And then here I was, relying on myself and my meager income. And everything else comes as handouts. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed and thankful. God knows how much I appreciate my folks and relatives - people who love and think about me and my kids, even when they don't really have to.

But then, isn't this my sole responsibility? Ours (R's and mine)? It irks me whenever tuition time comes along, and I ask R about maybe sharing a bit and he says to ask my folks. It isn't their responsibility. And so, to save myself the hassle and heartache, I have stopped asking. And to save face and humiliation (c'mon, it is humiliating!) of asking my folks, I have resorted to borrowing from the office just to pay for A's tuition, etc.

And yes, maybe this is all about spending well beneath our means - in order to survive. Or purging most of our belongings (selling it, etc) just to make ends meet. But do my kids have to go through this? Isn't it enough that I've sacrificed so much of my own happiness just so they'd be happy?

I think about these things.

And so as I drove to work this morning, and as these thoughts came drifting back, God whispered something into my heart and head:

"I am here."

Indeed, He has never left my side. Even when R has refused to support us financially, I have never found myself lacking. My salary may just slip through the keys of my laptop (not my palm, since I don't even get to touch the cash! I pay for all our bills online, LOL!) but I am never lacking. Never.

See, it is often easy to forget about all that God has done, especially in times of need. Man tends to focus on the problem - even when God had always taken him out of his ruts in the past.

And you know, God has never failed me. Us. He's provided for tuition, rent, groceries, credit card bills, utility bills, etc. (including trips out of the country!) - even when it seems the money isn't enough or will never come. So this morning, as I drove to work, I remember exactly how good God has been. He has carried me and my little family all these years.

Today, He says, I am never alone. 
Today, He says, He is always with me.
Today, He says, He will provide.

God is good.

And yes, I am not feeling so needy anymore.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. 
His love endures forever."
Psalm 136:1

Rainy Days.

Woke up to rain. Woke up late, actually. I love bed weather days. But ever since Typhoon Ondoy, I've been careful about my tweets and stats about appreciating rainy mornings. But really, I prefer the rain to the heat.

If there is one thing I hate about the rain, it is driving through it.

If there is one thing I hate more than driving in the rain,
it is driving at night on roads without streetlamps.

RL is in the office with me. Yes, rainy Friday with the little boy. We have to run errands this afternoon, and he's the perfect buddy to take along. I am working on improving his patience. He actually needs to work on it. He takes after R in that category - so impatient lah!. Yesterday, his Gymboree teacher took notice and said he needed to learn to wait for his turn.

He was supposed to do crafts today. So we brought his Toy Story Construct and Play fold-a-toy book. I was supposed to guide him through it, but he, being the most impatient little boy, had me fold the whole thing on my own. Bah!

Excited to start on his activity for the day.

RL and his Alien. Actually, my Alien. LOL!

Classes are suspended for the afternoon. I am thankful that A rides the school bus to and from school. I don't have to worry about her getting home alright.

It's been a crazy week! But it's not over. A has to be in school tomorrow for an outreach activity. After that, we need to be in Church for a core group meeting. I must be crazy to think I can do full-time office work, full-time mommy duties, part-time entrepreneur and extra volunteer work! Sometimes, I can't help but wish I could just sleep these rainy days away.

Nyar.

Is it just me, or are there more occurrences of nannies getting pregnant while employed? No really, I never really noticed 'til it happened to ours. TWICE. Same nanny. Two pregnancies. One year. Nyar.

I Need to Sleep!

I have to be in bed. A has a test early tomorrow morning at her new school. But I slept the whole day (was sick today) so sleep is evasive.

I still have that blog (photoblog!) on Beijing on draft. Really lazy to edit the photos. KY has been bugging me about photos from last year's Anvaya trip. Eeps.

R and I were supposed to have dinner last night. I rescheduled to today, but my stomach wasn't cooperating so I rain-checked again.

"May fever ka?"

"May nakain ka siguro..."

Concerned. Naks.

R has his good days, and really, sometimes, I see the old R in this man. Gaah! What am I saying? I should get some sleep na nga. I might reveal too much and have the haters pouncing again. I didn't do the inviting, ok?

Realizations

Today, as I sat in the movie theater at Rockwell waiting for Planet 51 to start, I found my thoughts drifting off to thoughts I've pushed aside. Call it denial, but I found it was easier to pretend than deal with issues head on.

The truth is, I am tired of wearing the mask I put on every day. But today, as I sat there, I realized that... I am okay. My good friend T, wrote a note on FB today that said so much about how important it is to belong to circles where friends accept you for who and what you are, where you don't need to pretend to be who you aren't. Simply because, well, there are people around you who value you as you are, flaws and all. If there are a handful who don't, then it's their problem, not yours.

I belong to a family of different strokes, but does it matter that we are different? That's what makes us special!

So today, I realized a lot of things. One of them being it is okay to be in my shoes. Besides, they are big shoes to fill. Not everyone can live my life. I mean, go ahead and try. Moreover, I realized that it is okay to be living the life I have. It is okay even if things aren't perfect. It is the imperfections that polish us - that mold us into beings we are set out to be. The trials, the circumstances are what prepare us for the end of the road.

As I type this, I realize that it is sad how some people cannot accept the facts the way they are. That some people prefer to make issues out of plain things. That circumstances are made to appear bigger than what they really are. And it is doubly sad that some people cannot see the beauty of transparency. That a lot of people in this world prefer to be with those who don't know the real 'you'. If you have to build up yourself to make yourself acceptable, then where is your real value? How sad is that?

So it does not matter that my marriage isn't perfect. That my family is not intact. No one can judge me for that. Circumstances brought me here. It is the way I deal with the circumstances, the way I carry myself in spite of the circumstances that matter. No, it doesn't mean I should wear the mask and pretend I am better than it. It means, even if I falter and cry, get angry and frustrated, freak out and break down, or even if I choose to just laugh it off...

I am okay.