#MommaDiaries | HE ISN'T FINISHED WITH ME YET

Sharing with you snippets from my Notes app on the phone. I tend to type down my thoughts when I don't have enough time to blog. RL had exams the past week, and this Momma's hands have been tied with a ton of things to do. And there are tough days, as most of you would know. But then, there are also good ones. This was from one of those bad turned good days. Yesterday, I was once again reminded that God is in charge regardless of our circumstances. Whenever there are days He seems absent and quiet, I have learned that trying times exist because He wants to show you He is God. So be thankful for the bumps, He's got you covered.



AUGUST 4

So this morning, yaya told me A had lost her wallet. The wallet had P3,000+ as she was supposed to pay her club fees last week (but couldn't because of time constraints and the long queue).

My initial reaction was true to yaya's threat to A right before she left for school: "Nako, hanapin mo yan, magagalit mommy mo!"

I was angry, and frustrated. I actually typed angry words as I started composing a message to A on Messenger. Then I stopped. Caught myself and prayed. I have been praying for a change in my relationship with A (we've hit snags through the years, and aren't exactly friendliest of friends - teenagers!). This morning, God reminded me of His unconditional love and never-ending grace. So I took back my words, and instead typed "...I pray God helps you find your wallet intact. I love you."

That was at 11 AM, and A replied to let me know she has searched everywhere to no avail.

Money can be replaced, but a child lost to anger is a child lost forever. I struggled to hold my tongue, as I prayed for God to lead me so my words come out right.

This evening, as I walked in the house, A tells me she found her wallet at the Lost and Found over lunch (even though she had gone to check all Lost and Found nooks earlier this morning). "But when I messaged you, you said you already checked!", I quipped.

She did. But after lunch, for some reason, she decided to check again. And there it was.

So yes, I know this was a Mommy lesson, in as much as it was a responsibility reminder for A. I know that the Lord is fixing my heart, and I am thankful He isn't done with me. Because, man, I know I have so much more to learn.

Makes you realize that we also have to be thankful when problems come our way. Our initial reactions are human reactions. I pray I learn to turn to God first when trials come. I pray I will always react with grace at first instance.


PS. Dear cheekeegirl, sorry! Had to redo this post as something wasn't right. Didn't realize your comment didn't go through as it was on the previous one. So, publishing it here nalang. ;)

"OMG! I am touched with this experience you had. It's like me. That I need to watch my words and actions on certain situations. Thank you for sharing." - cheekeegirl

#FamilySundays | MIRACLES EVERYWHERE

Note: This post originally appeared on my Facebook Page yesterday. But I am reposting it here, in case you missed it.

Because Globe has a problem with their Broadband service, and because the technician didn't come today as scheduled, I have zero access to the blog. Thus, I am leaving this here. ‪


#‎FamilySundays‬ | MIRACLES EVERYWHERE

I rushed to Rockwell this morning to catch the movie "Miracles From Heaven" with my family. Because I had to drive all the way from North QC, I barely made it to the 1240am screening. I took the first available parking slot (never mind that it was on the other side of the mall) and ran up to the theaters. T'was a nice movie. It was a great reminder to see miracles in everything around us.

We had just come out from the movie theater when I remembered I needed to get RL a pair of drumsticks for his first one-on-one music class this Tuesday. Right before separating from the rest of the family, I had asked KY where I could find a Lyric store aside from the other malls in the metro. I didn't want to go anywhere else since I was tired from yesterday. She didn't know.

As I walked to the other end of the mall where my car was parked, I was contemplating on checking the mall's directory to see if Powerplant Mall had a Lyric store. But since I didn't see a directory, I decided to just walk back to the car.

Thinking I didn't want to go to another mall after Powerplant, I asked God to help me find a store nearby. I needed one by tomorrow if we wanted RL to get to School of Rock ready for his lessons. I was planning on googling for "Lyric branches" in the car, when lo and behold, right when I was on the escalator heading to the parking basement, I spied a big sign that said LYRIC! There it was, a Lyric store INSIDE Powerplant Mall, at the Basement - right at the side where I had parked my car!

If you've ever been with me to Powerplant, you would know that I would never, ever park on this side. I have always had this preference to park at the very end where the Supermarket is located. I would never park here.

But today, for some reason I did. And there was that Lyric store, right when I needed one most.

Miracles happen. They are in everything. They are everywhere. 

"We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28 (NCV)

#MommaDiaries | WWJD?

RL has been learning about Jesus in his Christian Living class in school. The past two weeks, we've been reading his lessons over and over again. The kids are learning about how Jesus is God's greatest gift to us, and how we can be children of God by following Jesus' example. Today, RL got to apply this lesson. Momma ended up learning from it, too.

I took RL to the office because he was going to get picked up by his bus there today. A had a doctor's appointment so I didn't have time to drop RL off properly, as we were rushing to make it to the clinic on time. What I didn't know was that in the office, Lola B (who has been working for the family business for the past 30 or so years) saw RL and gave him a 500-Peso bill. She loves showering the grandchildren and great grandchildren with gifts, so this wasn't something unexpected. However, because I wasn't in the office, and neither was my dad, RL thought it would be wise to keep the money in his pant pocket.

RL has always been very careful about money.
He was really disappointed today.

Earlier this evening, when he got home from school, he was crying because he lost the money. He was saying he placed it in his bag, and when he got to class, it was no longer there. He couldn't have lost it, because he says he placed it in a small pocket inside a bigger zipped pocket where it would be impossible for it to accidentally fall out. Plus anyone who opens that pocket wouldn't see the bill. Besides, he never opens that part of his bag, because it isn't big enough to hold anything (well, except for a 500-Peso bill). I couldn't console him at first - he was feeling really bad about losing a gift. So I told him that it was just money, and that the person who took it probably needed it. Went on to explain that even if someone stole it, he needed to forgive whoever took the money. And that we should follow Jesus' example on being forgiving - even when people did things to hurt Him. Then we prayed. We asked the Lord to bless whoever took the money, but at the same time convict that person. And we asked God to take care of RL's loss, but also asked Him to teach RL to forgive. God knew exactly what happened and we don't. We didn't really see who took it, but He did. So we asked God to handle it. I then asked God to send his comfort and peace to overwhelm RL (so he'd stop crying).

After he calmed down, we assessed what had happened and how it happened. RL told us that when he was in the school bus, about halfway to school, he took out his handkerchief, and the bill fell to the floor. The bus lady saw him pick the money up from the floor and when he was about to put it back in his pant pocket, she goes "Put it in your bag! Put it in your bag!" And so he did. For all to see. There were only two other people in the bus - another first grader and his nanny. RL says his bag stayed next to him the whole time and no one else touched it. Except when the bus lady took it out of the bus when they got to school. It took a while for RL to get off since he sits inside and the other student and his nanny sit closer to the door. So when he got off, the bus lady handed him his bag, and he pulls it to the waiting area (a classroom) where he sits and waits for class. Bag stays next to him the whole time. Bag also stays next to him the whole time in the classroom. Again, no one touched it. After Music, which is the second subject for Tuesday, he decides to take a peek and finds the bill gone! He searches through his whole bag, but it is no longer there.

When I heard his retelling, I wanted to call the bus operator (a co-parent, who also happens to be a lawyer), and tell him about the incident. I also wanted to text the bus lady, but I decided to call KY first. After discussing the whole situation with her, and hearing my own advice to RL and our prayer in that retelling, I couldn't believe I reacted that way. We agreed that I should pray about it first, and that I shouldn't do anything just yet. Besides, we don't really know who took the money.

As I went back to tutoring RL, he tells me that he now feels better, because we had prayed for comfort.

RL: "Mom, why do we have to pray for those who hurt us? For the bad people?"
K: "Because they probably don't know that what they did was wrong."
RL: "But why?"
K: "I don't know..." 

I pause to think a bit, and my thoughts bring me to R and how much he has hurt us, and yet we choose to pray for him. Still.

K: "Because we can't do anything about it, and we can't control them, so we pray for them."
RL: "You know why, Mom? Because that's what Jesus would do. He prayed for those that hurt him. He loves them even if they sin."

Ok, so I learned something from the little boy.

Today, RL learned a good lesson on following Jesus' example. Momma learned that parenting actually is also about teaching yourself as much as it is about making sure your kids grow up to be good people.


"Train children to live the right way, and when they are old, they will not stray from it." Proverbs 22:6 (NCV)

Thank you, Lord, for today.

#RLFunnies | GOD CAN DO EVERYTHING!

Sophie, after her bath at 12midnight!

Let me share a brief backgrounder to this story. Yesterday, right when I got home from work, our nanny tells me that Sophie, our cat, is missing. Not only was she missing, but she has been missing since early afternoon. Apparently, Yaya J searched high and low, to no avail. Long story short, we found the cat. But not after I freaked out, because I spoke to the nanny 3x throughout the day yesterday, and she thought it best not to mention the fact that my baby cat was missing-in-action. Also, it took a while for me to join the hunt because I had to take the kids to the nearby mall to get their visa photos taken. So yes, I was antsy.

While getting the photos, I had a talk with my kids. I learned that they didn't even stop to pray. I asked A if she prayed for God to help her find the cat, and she says she didn't even get to think about praying because right when she came into the courtyard, her nanny quickly asked her to search the attic. RL says he didn't pray as well, but used his magic powers and incredible brain. So I took the opportunity to teach them about seeking God first.

This morning, on the way to school, I quizzed RL to see if he learned anything from last night.

K: "So what was the important lesson you learned last night?"
RL: "To pray!"
K: "Yes, you must always remember to call on God first. If you need help or if you are in trouble, ask God for help. You can say, 'Lord Jesus, help me!' okay?"
RL: "Okay."
K: "Your first reaction should be to ask God first. Don't try to solve things on your own or to ask others before you ask God. He should be the first one you turn to for help. Do you understand?"
RL: "Yes."
K: "Because you know, man can't do everything, but God is all-powerful. He can do anything!"
RL: (silent)

After a few seconds, he blurts out a nagging question.

"So God can lick His elbows?!!"

Hahaha, how would you answer that question? I told him to ask God when He gets the opportunity. Hehehe.

My funny little boy. 

#RLFunnies | Dear God...

Because he was absent from Christian Living class when his teacher explained the Four Kinds Of Prayers, I took it upon myself to teach and explain the lesson to RL the day before he went back to school. Checking their online assignment app, I learned they were having a test on his first day back. So we studied all night.

The next day, I decided it was wise to review the lesson.

K: "I will say a prayer, then let me know what kind of prayer it is, okay?"
RL: "Okay."
K: "God is great. God is good..."
RL: "Adoration!"
K: "Okay, how about... 'Thank you, God, for the food'."
RL: "Thanksgiving!"
K: "How about... 'Bless us, Oh Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen'?"
RL: "RECESS!"

Yep, I have a silly boy. LOL!

In the Hands of the Potter.

I've been wanting to blog about this for so long, but I thought I'd ask Joy first if it was okay. This isn't an easy subject, given the circumstance. 

It was back in 1992 when I first learned of what happened to Joy. I was in the US, and my aunt and uncle had arrived from Manila and had mentioned this. Because her brother was my classmate back in grade school, the story hit hard. I had asked the Lord why He would allow something so tragic to happen to a pastor's daughter. Last year, Joy's testimony was featured on CBN Asia. Two weeks ago, for Holy Week, her story was once again featured for CBN Asia's Tanikala Special - this time, with Pastor Peter Tan-Chi's insight on what happened to his family. Below are the videos of that particular feature (thank you, Fermin Fajardo, for uploading!):











You don't have to be Joy's friend to know that something like this affects you forever. I admire her for coming out to tell her story - more for using something as tragic an experience as rape for God's greater glory. I know some people will never come to understand the whys - why they chose to forgive over seeking vengeance, why they chose to tell their story, why they chose to forego suing the perpetrators, etc. But see, when you choose to leave everything before the Lord, He promises to make something beautiful out of it.

"You changed my sorrow into dancing. You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness." Psalm 30:11 NCV

Similarly, I know a lot of people will never understand my reasons for standing for my marriage. But my hope is in the Lord and not in man. He brings me true joy and strength. I am not pining for R, and yes, we are friends. I choose to be his friend. And if others see something wrong in that, it's their problem, not mine. It is not an easy choice. It is easier to just walk away. But what does that say about my faith in an omnipotent God? I pray the Lord protects my children, and instead have them see Christ in our situation. This is my conviction. No matter how ugly the past may be, God still meant it for good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28 NCV

I was just telling my friend A how I've set my eyes on the prize, and even if I don't get to see it in my lifetime, I am fine with it. I know this is the purpose God has planted in my heart. I pray God uses my life and testimony for His glory. So far, He has allowed me to encourage a few friends going through similar battles - just as He has used Joy's painful experience to minister to women who have been raped and abused.

No one wants to go through pain. The Tan-Chi family didn't think something like this could happen to them. I never asked for a broken marriage. But it is what it is, and I can only hope that God uses the broken pieces and molds it into something extraordinary.

You know how it is when a potter works on his clay? He molds it, and sometimes, the clay doesn't turn out the way he planned it to be. He takes the clay, kneads it again, then molds it once again to make something beautiful. It is the same with life and God. He is the Potter, and we are the clay. Do we allow Him to knead us into something beautiful? He can repair those chips, He can mend your broken life!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart." Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Joy and I crossed paths again in college. I remember it was sometime junior or senior year when Edric (her husband) was telling us how he was planning on courting Joy. Edric is KY's godfather, and he is like a brother to me. When I heard how he liked Joy, I wondered if he knew. I know Edric to be this super idealistic guy (sorry, Sioti, totoo naman e, but of course God changed you, hehe) and I didn't know if that would matter to him.

Once, when discussing Joy, he tells me, "She's beautiful, Kaye. It isn't just her face. She is beautiful inside and out. Her beauty emanates from within." And right there, I knew. He knew and it didn't matter.

God had already made something beautiful out of it.

The ways of man is nothing compared to the ways of the Lord. He allows tragic things to happen. If He allowed it, He must have a plan. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?


| Read more about Hope on Joy's blog Teach With Joy. 

On that Road to a #BetterMe

I had typed the first part of this post at an airport, while waiting for my flight. Delayed turn-around flight, apparently. So I had a few hours to spare. I spent it thinking. And writing this (well, part of it). I had time to contemplate, and all these thoughts kept swirling in my head.

A few weeks months (!!!) ago, Kris (aka OCMomInManila) invited me to attend a Better Me event. At first, I didn't really know what to expect, except that it was a SoMoms thing, and Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo was speaking. Better Me. At the last minute, I took another look at the invite and noted it was about nurturing relationships with the spouse and children - alright, perfect.

I went to the talk with reservations. I must admit, with all that has happened this past year, my heart had given up. I had already decided that my marriage was, in fact, over. You must be wondering, why now? Why has it taken me this long to wake up. Please read on.

For the past 10 years, I have committed to fight for my family. The last three years saw me fighting a losing battle. My heart was weak. My spirit crushed. I no longer had it in me to go on. Part of me wanted to blame God for being silent. My prayers were left unanswered.

Then right before Christmas of 2012, my spouse came home and asked for forgiveness. Yes, R! I was floored. I didn't know what to make of it. I had been living my days without him in mind, without a prayer for restoration. Yes, you read that right. I was putting up a front - for the past year at least. In my head, I knew I had to keep praying, but my heart didn't have the will nor the desire to go on fighting for him. I brainwashed myself - filled my thoughts with the ugly pieces that made up the conundrum that is my husband.

Two weeks into it, one of our pastors prayed with me and told me to take a leap of faith. Another chance. And yet, a few weeks after that, I saw the old R. Same old, same old. And I built walls around my heart once again. No way was I going to let him hurt me this time. The wall went up. The mask, too. Three months later, he left. And you know, I blamed myself for allowing it to happen. I blamed myself for allowing him to penetrate the walls I had put up to keep my heart (and my kids' hearts) safe. My kids were hoping for restoration. And yet, I failed them.

The rest of 2013 went without hitch. We remained status quo - friends, married, separated, and yet, what were we exactly?

And so it happened that I accepted Kris' invitation to go to that Better Me event. And I have been struggling ever since.

Last week, after attending another one of those talks, I mentioned to Cai how I felt torn right after attending that particular talk in August. And you know, how I wasn't really publishing my half-written post because I didn't want my readers to think things were okay, when in reality, they weren't?

And yes, you're probably thinking: "Has K forgotten about her New Year's resolve?"

No, and that is why I am finally writing about it. That talk. That Better Me event that nagged at my innermost being. Sigh.

It's not that I didn't agree with Coach Pia. Don't get me wrong. I actually agreed with her on all points. And I must give credit where credit is due. Her talk spoke volumes, and in part, it actually convinced me to work on saving what we still have.

Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo

Taking notes...

I think the two life-changing points from her talk that really stayed with me all these months are these:

"YOU WORK TOWARDS A HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE BECAUSE IT AFFECTS YOUR CHILDREN." 
I know, cliché. But really, show me a person who says his or her parents' separation didn't affect him or her at all. It does. And you know, whether you like it or not, the kids bring it with them. It changes them and defines their adult life. I've been asking myself this since that fateful day in August, do I really want this affecting my kids? Do I want them bearing the brunt 'til their adult life? I have the power to change their future - at least the way my kids think about marriage and family. Why won't I give them that?

Nurture your spouse.

Loving unconditionally = sacrifice.

"YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY." 
And that means transcending your personal ego, acknowledging your differences, letting go and forgiving past hurts, starting with a clean slate, and loving beyond words. How hard! I suppose this is where I struggled the most. Loving unconditionally, wow. It's so easy to say, but it entails so much from a person. Just the thought of it makes me want to throw in the towel at once. I cannot imagine myself loving R (or anyone else) when they clearly don't want to be a part of my life. Not that R showed signs he didn't want to be part of ours, but can you imagine loving your spouse in spite of... well, his sins?

And now, 7 months after that talk, I have come to realize that it can be done BUT it can't be done alone. After all, you cannot save a marriage on your own.

But you know what? Here's something I learned from church (I will write more about this on another post): the prodigal spouse doesn't have to agree on saving the marriage. He is not your partner in this quest. This is exactly why all my efforts went to waste in the past. I kept assuming my stand wouldn't work because R refused to save our marriage with me. And it was so easy to give up on him because I thought I couldn't love him the way I did before. You can't do it alone. You need GRACE to fight for your marriage. That's how you love unconditionally - you have to learn from the One who loves us in spite of past hurts, in spite of the many times we fall short of His glory - the One who forgives us, regardless.

So yes, readers, we are working on the marriage. We: God and I. There are a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but these issues are all about me. Not R. He has to deal with his personal issues on his own. I have forgiven him and will continue to forgive him, no matter how long it takes (or how often). And right now, we're friends. We're not exactly there, but we're getting somewhere. In fact, I would say, we're better now than when we were together. And you know, this loving unconditionally business gets easier by the day. When I don't feel like loving him that way, I just think about my kids, and know in my heart and mind that this is what I should do. I think about my own shortcomings and how we all don't deserve forgiveness and second chances anyway, but God gives it freely. So with that mindset, I know R deserves the same even when he doesn't deserve it. Yep, GRACE.

I sit here today, and I know I made the right resolve. I am my better me today, because of this. I've thrown worry, doubt and bitterness in the bin, and have started anew.


I'm sorry it took this long for me to write this piece. I want to thank YBS (Your Brand Story) and One Core for making talks like this possible. This particular talk has really, really made a difference in my life. Thank you to BPI for supporting this Better Me session (and for my really cool and very helpful finance journal), and to OMBU for a really delicious and memorable Filipino lunch (I love, love, love your Binakol!). 

My cool Financial Wellness Journal from BPI.

You guys should try Ombu. I love their Binakol (okay, I said that already)!
Ombu Modern Filipino Restaurant
G/F Sequoia Hotel, 91-93 Mother Ignacia Avenue, corner Timog Avenue, QC; (02) 441-0518

With Coach Pia, BPI and the SoMoms! What a privilege! Thank you, Kris!

Be My Valentine?

I will not lie to you. I am not exactly looking forward to Friday. Well, I was. But then, Sunday happened and all of sudden, I realized I wouldn't have a date for Valentine's Day after all. Not the real date-date at least. Not that the kids and I haven't been spending Valentine's Day with each other the past so and so years. We took family dates the first few years R wasn't around, then realized we were just stressing ourselves out with the crowd, the wait, the traffic, and all the hassle the day of hearts brings.

Last year, A and I took home Quiznos hoagies for dinner. Meanwhile, RL went out with KY and my mom. He later came home with a box of doughnuts and some chocolates for us. And that, dear folks, is how it is on Valentine's Day.

Last year's Valentine's treat from my little boy and his achi.

This year? Well this year, I was supposed to go out on a date (!!!). Alas, my date had to leave to clear out some work issues in the province. And so, we're back to having take-out tomorrow. Or maybe I'll cook, since the nanny will be away (even she has a date!). Not that I was expecting something grand this year, but you know, things have been better, and although we're not exactly where we want to be, God sure knows how to fill the void.

Today, in a conversation with my favorite aunt about Valentine's and how she is spending it with friends, relegating her dinner date to the less-traffic weekend, she says "It's just tradition. Valentine's is every day, if you know how to make it so. It's not the day, it's the date - the person or people you are with."

And so, I realized I celebrated Valentine's with my man Saturday night. I had that Valentine's date after all.

If there is one thing I am thankful for each time this day comes around, it is this: I've never been without love. In fact, every year, I am reminded that I am blessed to have who I have. Plus, I am expectant! I know that one day, when that day finally comes and I get to spend Valentine's Day out on a date, I can look back and say, hey, those take-out, date-less Valentine's Days weren't so bad after all.

And with that, here's another giveaway to celebrate Hearts Day with you! I am giving one of my readers an brand new, original 16" Mickey Mouse Valentine's plush! You know the drill. Happy Valentine's Day, friends. You are loved.

Won't you please be Mickey's Valentine?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

This giveaway starts now! You have until 11:59PM of Sunday, February 18, to accomplish the steps required by Rafflecopter. I shall draw the winner the following day. You must use a valid email address when registering for Rafflecopter. I will use that email address to notify you, should you be my winner. This giveaway is open to anyone with a Philippine address.

Happy Valentine's Day!

FIGHT!

I have a confession to make. 

In the past quarter, I have lost a little zeal. Not that I hated God, but I was so tired of waiting on His promises, that I just lost touch. There were days when I totally went without prayer - and it goes without saying that I also stopped reading my Bible. And eventually, life took over and I stopped going to church.

It's not that I didn't want to fight. It was more like I was so tired of fighting. I knew I had to wait on God's time, but I felt like I was fighting the battle on my own - and that I wasn't going anywhere.

When one of my best friends called to ask if I was doing Prayer and Fasting this year, I gave her a whole bunch of excuses (my way of defending the wrong things I do) - one of which was "nagtatampo ako kay God." I don't exactly know the correct English translation for this, but it is one way of saying I was disappointed with God. I was grumbling, in a way.

And I went back to those days when I prayed and prayed, and God never seemed to listen. My prayers would look like they were answered, but then I'd hit a brick wall, and go back to square one. It was very frustrating. I'd cry out to the heavens and ask God what I was doing wrong - even when, in my heart, I knew exactly what I was doing wrong.

Yes, I knew. I WASN'T FAITHFUL. Yes, I prayed, but it was more like prayer out of obligation. I was standing for my marriage, and yet, I was doubtful and not hopeful. I was back to wearing that mask. In my head, I kept reminding God about how I took that leap of faith, and it was as if He retorted with "What faith?"

And so I continued acting as if it was God who was at fault. Don't we do that? Play the blame game? And you know what else was more frustrating? The fact that I knew exactly what to do to get out of my rut, but I had neither the will nor the strength to correct my wrongs.

And so it went on, until I couldn't run away from God anymore.

I don't want another wake-up call. The first one came in the form of A getting Dengue back in October. Many more small wake-up calls came right after - they were pretty easy to ignore, except that they all came with flashing headlights telling me "God is waiting for you! Read your Bible! Pray!"

It isn't easy hiding from God. Especially because He seeks out his lost sheep. Imagine a faithful Father who loves you unconditionally, regardless of how you treat Him. Breaks my heart just thinking of the heartache and the longing I gave Him.

Anyway, this message spoke straight to my heart. And that best friend who asked me about Prayer and Fasting? The same one I gave a hundred and one excuses to about why I was disappointed with God, etc? Well she was in the congregation during this message and she sent me a text about how this message was especially for me. I sat through Church that Sunday (my first one in months!) and knew God was telling me to wake up.

Video courtesy of Victory Greenhills

You won't find a synopsis of the message on this post, nor an explanation on how it spoke to me. That's because I want you to take time out to watch it. It's pretty long, almost an hour in length, but it speaks volumes. If you are in a similar situation where you are lukewarm in your spiritual life, stop running away. Watch this, and wake up.

This battle isn't mine alone. It isn't just yours, either. It is His battle and He fights alongside you and me.

No wake up, calls, Lord! I am wide awake!

I shall... OVERCOME!

I know most of you are saying, "there she goes again", "old story", "giving up daw". Believe me, I am as confused as you are. When I am on my knees, I have nothing on my plate but prayers for wisdom and direction. I must admit, I am disappointed, ashamed, and discouraged. But then, maybe God is telling me it is when I am broken that I will find I can do nothing else but trust that He is in charge of my situation. I don't know. Like I said, I am confused. I don't know what else to do, I have nothing else to give.

My US Principal sent this to me via email today. How timely. I've blogged about this particular release recently. But Mandisa's words did not speak as much then than it does to me today. My mind may keep changing (I am but only human), but my God is forever the same - faithful, all-powerful and just. His promises remain, and I suppose I should cling to that instead of my angry, resigned and disappointed disposition.

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(Please watch the video. It is very encouraging.)

You're an overcomer -
Stay in the fight '‘til the final round. 
You're not going under -
‘Cause God is holding you right now.
You might be down for a moment, 
Feeling like it's hopeless... 
That's when He reminds you,
That you're an overcomer. 
You're an overcomer.

Everybody's been down, 
Hit the bottom, hit the ground. 
Oh, you're not alone, 
Just take a breath, don't forget, 
Hang on to His promises. 
He wants you to know...

The same Man, the Great I Am -
The one who overcame death
Is living inside of you. 
So just hold tight, fix your eyes 
On the one who holds your life. 
There's nothing He can't do. 
He's telling you...
YOU'RE AN OVERCOMER!
(Overcomer, from the album Overcomer by Mandisa)

I had posted this verse on Facebook the other day. It was just one of those verses, you know, that came up on my Bible app.

“I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world.” (John 16:33 NCV)

LORD, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS ROAD LEADS. YOU KNOW MY HEART AND HOW TIRED AND FRAIL I FEEL. NEVERTHELESS, I AM THANKFUL THAT YOU ARE HOLDING MY HAND. BLIND AS I MAY BE AS TO WHAT IS ON THE NEXT BEND, I AM TRUSTING THAT WHATEVER THIS IS, AND WHATEVER IT TAKES, YOU WILL BE GLORIFIED.

After all, it is Your story, not mine. It is Your victory, not mine. He is Yours, not mine.

Confused.

I had a blog post prior to this one, but I lost it when I forgot to save it. Was blogging in traffic, and the app doesn't keep drafts on standby when the ipad/iphone dies. Oh well. I had blogged about life and how it is short. T'was a general post brought about by thoughts that came to me while stuck in traffic. I was headed to a wake, the dad of my middle school "kuya" had passed on. 

Looking back at the thoughts that crossed my already confused mind, I am more confused now than ever. I am blogging at Starbucks, while waiting for R, who went to get something for the kids. Yes, in the province for work and chanced upon the H. *insert deep breath here*

I don't even know what to make of this. I came here determined, heart closed. Or so I thought. But talking to J last night about upholding the covenant, regardless, has made my determination woozy. I am confused. 

So. What now, Lord? What now? 

I am sooooo confused.

On the Mend

I've been feeling so emotional lately, and no, it is not that time of the month. Is it too soon to be going through a mid-life crisis? Nyar.

I cried on the way to work yesterday, and again, on the way home. I stayed an extra three hours in the office last night, because I wanted to de-stress. Yes, de-stressing in the office. Please don't judge. It isn't my kids, it is more like... well, everything.

I wrote this long re-telling of what is actually going on in my life right now, only to realize that you probably don't want to read a sob story that reeks of self-pity and what-not. So I read through it once and deleted it.

I've been here before. I've done this. I've done that. So why am I here again? I am overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that go with single parenting, and making sure my kids have a bright future ahead of them. I am tired of doing this on my own, and I am frustrated that R thinks it's okay with me to be taking over his role.

And yes, I suppose I needed a good, long cry. I've reached burnout. I am beyond exhausted. Yesterday, I looked at my life and thought, why?

I am broken, and it isn't a pretty sight.

So while I was waiting it out last night (I was working, thank you) encoding new releases, I came across this new song by Mandisa.


WHAT SCARS ARE FOR
Mandisa
from the album, Overcomer.

These scars aren't pretty, 
but they're a part of me, 
and will not ever fade away. 

These marks tell a story 
of me down in the valley, 
and how You reached in with Your grace 
and healed me. 

They remind me of Your faithfulness, 
and all You brought me through. 
They teach me that my brokenness 
is something You can use. 
They show me where I've been 
and that I'm not there any more. 
That's what scars, 
that's what scars are for. 

Erase, rewind... 
Wish I could every time. 
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep. 
But when I'm weak, You're strong, 
and in Your power, I can carry on. 
And my scars say that You won't ever leave. 

I see it on the cross... 
The nails You took for me. 
Scars can change the world... 
Scars can set me free.


And you know, it was like the Holy Spirit reaching down and enveloping me with God's grace. You won't believe the peace that I felt after reading the lyrics to this song.

Girl, I may be broken, but My God is strong. And these scars, regardless of how big and ugly they are, He will use for something big and beautiful.

Do you not know? 
Have you not heard? 
The Lord is the everlasting God, 
the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary, 
and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord 
will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint. 
(ISAIAH 40:28-31)

I think I just learned how to soar.

Ten Years

Nine.
Next year marks the tenth.
I committed ten.
So do I wait?

Lord, I know I need only be still.
But.
But.
But.

I am tired.
I know it's on the next bend.
I know You will give me strength.
I know.

But.
Ten Years.
Ten Years.
Ten Years!

Nine.
Next year marks the tenth.
I committed ten.
I can wait one more year.

Remembering God's Goodness

I was driving to work today. Actually, I was driving home last night and thinking about life in general, and my thoughts from last night came back as I drove to work this morning. My thoughts? Well, last night, I was thinking this: Life isn't exactly as grand as I would have wanted it to be. I am feeling needy. Not wanting, but a little needy. I must admit, I have my toes in a rut. Alam mo yon? I feel fine, but then there are days... days when I know I haven't been doing enough, hence my state of being - our state of being (meaning my little family).

I suppose this feeling is an indirect result of our recent Korea trip. I didn't want to take any trips this year (even cancelled our annual Hong Kong escapade) because I wanted to be out of debt for a change, plus we're trying to save up for something bigger in the next two years. But then, my mom got us tickets and everything else happened. While there, I realized how blessed my little family was is and yet, at the back of my mind, my thoughts kept bringing me back to how it was when I was growing up. My parents provided for everything.

And then here I was, relying on myself and my meager income. And everything else comes as handouts. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed and thankful. God knows how much I appreciate my folks and relatives - people who love and think about me and my kids, even when they don't really have to.

But then, isn't this my sole responsibility? Ours (R's and mine)? It irks me whenever tuition time comes along, and I ask R about maybe sharing a bit and he says to ask my folks. It isn't their responsibility. And so, to save myself the hassle and heartache, I have stopped asking. And to save face and humiliation (c'mon, it is humiliating!) of asking my folks, I have resorted to borrowing from the office just to pay for A's tuition, etc.

And yes, maybe this is all about spending well beneath our means - in order to survive. Or purging most of our belongings (selling it, etc) just to make ends meet. But do my kids have to go through this? Isn't it enough that I've sacrificed so much of my own happiness just so they'd be happy?

I think about these things.

And so as I drove to work this morning, and as these thoughts came drifting back, God whispered something into my heart and head:

"I am here."

Indeed, He has never left my side. Even when R has refused to support us financially, I have never found myself lacking. My salary may just slip through the keys of my laptop (not my palm, since I don't even get to touch the cash! I pay for all our bills online, LOL!) but I am never lacking. Never.

See, it is often easy to forget about all that God has done, especially in times of need. Man tends to focus on the problem - even when God had always taken him out of his ruts in the past.

And you know, God has never failed me. Us. He's provided for tuition, rent, groceries, credit card bills, utility bills, etc. (including trips out of the country!) - even when it seems the money isn't enough or will never come. So this morning, as I drove to work, I remember exactly how good God has been. He has carried me and my little family all these years.

Today, He says, I am never alone. 
Today, He says, He is always with me.
Today, He says, He will provide.

God is good.

And yes, I am not feeling so needy anymore.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. 
His love endures forever."
Psalm 136:1

Instant!

It's Prayer and Fasting Week at church, and although I've been feeling so out of it early this week, I found myself heading to Greenhills for Bible Study. It was a Wednesday night, and I decided at the very last minute - it was at 630, and I was coded.

But at 645, I decided to just go for it. I got to the center at around 715 - just when they introduced the guest speaker. I had received a text from my small group leader L, so I knew who was speaking. I don't remember ever attending a talk by Pastor Jojo Henson, but knew he had the gift of prophesy. The evening was nothing short of wow. The whole time, I was in awe of God's love.

The message that stuck to my heart that night is short but meaningful - "The Lord can change your circumstances in an instant." Many times, we're quick to doubt even the clearest of promises - yes, even those in the Bible. But God never fails. He always keeps His promises. Oftentimes, man just doesn't know how to hope in God. Plus, it is human nature to always attempt to fix things on your own before remembering to call on the Lord.

Just this week alone, I have been constantly reminded that the Lord is in the business of restoration. But of course, doubt seeps through every crack and cranny of my brain and heart, and I always have this spirit of suspicion and unbelief. Early this week, during quiet time, I felt God telling me that I may doubt the intentions and actions of others, but I should never doubt Him. "I can do all things, Kaye. With me, all things are possible."

Pastor Jojo Henson gave a great example of instant restoration in a story that happened just a few weeks ago.

His son studies in the Taft area, and because they lived in the South, they always meet halfway. He was to pick his son up along Sucat Road that evening, but it was so traffic on the way to Sucat that he decided to call his son, who was then already waiting for him, and they both agreed to see each other at home instead.

On the way home, he notices that traffic to Sucat had eased up so he decides to make a u-turn and headed back to pick up his son. He calls him on his mobile but found that his son wasn't picking up. Which was odd, because he was just speaking to him on the phone less than 5 minutes ago. So he tries and tries and finally, a voice he doesn't recognize picks up. He asked for his son, but the man on the other end ends the call. After trying several times, he calls his other son at home and tells him to try calling his brother's phone. True enough, someone else answers and kills the call.

As with any dad, he was worried. After what seemed like forever, he reaches Sucat Road, and asks his daughter (who was with him in the car) to go out of the car and walk towards the meeting place to see if she sees her brother. Later, he sees his son with his daughter and he gets down to ask what happened.

"Dad, I got held up." 

Apparently, after the last phone call where they had agreed to meet at home, a man puts a sharp object against his side and declares a hold up. Three other guys were with him, and they took his phone and other belongings. He shouts for help, and the men run across the street and away from him. He was about to give chase, when he decides to stop and pray.

"Thank You, Lord, for sparing my life."

And he goes on to lift up his circumstance (and belongings) to God.

After a few minutes, while deciding what to do next, he spots two men - strangers to him - walking across from him, and holding a bag. His bag! So he approaches them and claims the bag as his. The men explained that they saw some guys running away, and felt they didn't own the bag so they got it (I didn't really understand this part but anyway...). So anyway, long story short, he got back his bag and when he opened it, everything was intact! His iPad, his books, his laptop, Touch, etc were all in the bag!

!!!

INSTANT.

How many times do we remember to call on God first? How many times do we remember that we have a BIG GOD? Do we actually believe He is bigger than anything? Bigger than our broken relationship, than our sickness, than our financial problems, etc.?

God can change your circumstances in an instant.

BELIEVE! He is mighty to save!

My Father's Eyes.

How hard can it be to love a person unconditionally - to see someone in a positive light, without falling into the same old emotion of defeat and insecurity that eventually brings retaliation? Painful. That's how hard it is.

It's been a struggle, I tell you. A struggle that's crazy and reminiscent of riding roller coasters. And yes, I've fallen off many times, but my God is faithful and His GRACE is sufficient.

Thankfully, there is change. Somewhere in there. Somewhere. There is change. A seed that has been planted, and I rejoice in it and because of it. Lord, I trust You are able to make something beautiful out of this season. I am grateful to be here. And although I do not know exactly what tomorrow holds, I trust You are in charge.

So yesterday, I've come to realize how immature I am as a Christian. How easily I fall prey to the devil's advances. *sob!* I am thankful however, that God has used it for His glory. That He called my attention to it. I must remember to call on Him first, before anything else. And I must keep in mind (and heart!) to see others through His eyes.

Loving unconditionally. What a lesson to master. 

A-yah! Extra grace required.

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl,
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.
But that's all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray:
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say,

She's got her Father's eyes,
Her Father's eyes;
Eyes that find the good in things,
When good is not around;
Eyes that find the source of help,
When help just can't be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through
And feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
Just like my Father's eyes.

And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone.
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,
More than anything I know, I want your words to be,

She had her Father's eyes,
Her Father's eyes;
Eyes that found the good in things,
When good was not around;
Eyes that found the source of help,
When help would not be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through,
And feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
Just like my Father's eyes.
My Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
Just like my Father's eyes.
(Lyrics from the song Father's Eyes, by Amy Grant)

A Lost Cause

I know I have not been blogging. And that you're probably wondering what's wrong. Aside from the fact that my daughter A has exams once again (I know, AGAIN!), but as I've said in previous posts, my life has come to a halt.

I still cannot explain exactly what that means, but maybe this will help you figure it out: I have had to deal with someone from the past. Yes, please go figure. And it hasn't been easy. Every single day is a battle of the wills - mine and God's. I've had to ask God over a thousand times for reason - for logic and purpose. For over a zillion doses of Grace (and yes, His mercies are new every morning!) just to get me through each day. My friend M has advised me to take each day one at a time, but it has been more like one minute at a time. Everyday, time just drags. At a pace that I sometimes can no longer stand. What is this, Lord? Why? Why now?

I must admit that I am not at peace with the situation I am currently in. Today, for example, when I spoke to this person, I couldn't help but feel pity. What a lost cause, I had thought to myself . It has been years since life threw lemons at this person - lemons as a result of bad choices. What day is it today? You could have turned your life around. But no, instead, you went on doing same old. And now, at your crossroads, what?

I wanted to say a million things today to drive this person away.

But the Holy Spirit made me see the situation in a different light. Nowhere to turn. This person has nowhere to go.

So today, I pray you find what it means to be loved by God. I may think you are a lost cause, but to God, you are a promise. He loves you more than anyone will ever do. And you are more important to him than you will ever be to me. He loves you. And His love should be enough.

Old Dogs

Change is a decision one must make for himself. You can't change old dogs nor teach them new tricks. That dog must be willing to make the change for his own good. If it is hard to train puppies and see young dogs make that decision to improve themselves, it must be harder for those that are too old to break bad habits.

But God is bigger than all that. Am I too old a dog to trust that He can move mountains - even old ones that refuse to budge?

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 (NIV)

Unoffendable

Today I am trying to be more unoffendable. It is a choice I choose to make. Similar to the choice one makes when he chooses to live the Christian life.  It is no easy task. You can either be a Christian by name, OR walk the talk.

Yesterday, as I drove home with A (we had two events in the Makati area), I received a text from R (he flew back last week). He asked if we could pick him up from the gym, and although we had originally planned to pass by a supplier's store to pick up some stuff, A was asleep so I agreed to swing by for him. Turns out he needed to go somewhere North. I asked him to drive instead. A and I were really tired and I wanted to go home to RL, but I chose not to say anything.

When we got to the Scout Area, R asked to be dropped off somewhere. So really, he just needed a free ride. He didn't even ride home with us. Technically, we were off the route by about 6 kilometers. I wanted to say what was on my mind but decided to just hold my tongue.  

Earlier yesterday, as I drove from one event to the other, I volunteered to shuttle some Blogger friends to and fro. And I did that with pleasure because I wanted to help my friends out. It shouldn't be any different with R - even if it seemed out of place. I mean, it shouldn't even reach the WWJD question. I should have felt the same pleasure I did when I helped my friends earlier. Which, honestly speaking, I didn't. 

Lord, I need to be more unoffendable. Especially with those that require Your Extra Grace.

Happy Hearts Day!

May your heart find fulfillment in The One who brings you real joy. :) Happy Valentines Day!