Tuesday, January 21, 2014


I have a confession to make. 

In the past quarter, I have lost a little zeal. Not that I hated God, but I was so tired of waiting on His promises, that I just lost touch. There were days when I totally went without prayer - and it goes without saying that I also stopped reading my Bible. And eventually, life took over and I stopped going to church.

It's not that I didn't want to fight. It was more like I was so tired of fighting. I knew I had to wait on God's time, but I felt like I was fighting the battle on my own - and that I wasn't going anywhere.

When one of my best friends called to ask if I was doing Prayer and Fasting this year, I gave her a whole bunch of excuses (my way of defending the wrong things I do) - one of which was "nagtatampo ako kay God." I don't exactly know the correct English translation for this, but it is one way of saying I was disappointed with God. I was grumbling, in a way.

And I went back to those days when I prayed and prayed, and God never seemed to listen. My prayers would look like they were answered, but then I'd hit a brick wall, and go back to square one. It was very frustrating. I'd cry out to the heavens and ask God what I was doing wrong - even when, in my heart, I knew exactly what I was doing wrong.

Yes, I knew. I WASN'T FAITHFUL. Yes, I prayed, but it was more like prayer out of obligation. I was standing for my marriage, and yet, I was doubtful and not hopeful. I was back to wearing that mask. In my head, I kept reminding God about how I took that leap of faith, and it was as if He retorted with "What faith?"

And so I continued acting as if it was God who was at fault. Don't we do that? Play the blame game? And you know what else was more frustrating? The fact that I knew exactly what to do to get out of my rut, but I had neither the will nor the strength to correct my wrongs.

And so it went on, until I couldn't run away from God anymore.

I don't want another wake-up call. The first one came in the form of A getting Dengue back in October. Many more small wake-up calls came right after - they were pretty easy to ignore, except that they all came with flashing headlights telling me "God is waiting for you! Read your Bible! Pray!"

It isn't easy hiding from God. Especially because He seeks out his lost sheep. Imagine a faithful Father who loves you unconditionally, regardless of how you treat Him. Breaks my heart just thinking of the heartache and the longing I gave Him.

Anyway, this message spoke straight to my heart. And that best friend who asked me about Prayer and Fasting? The same one I gave a hundred and one excuses to about why I was disappointed with God, etc? Well she was in the congregation during this message and she sent me a text about how this message was especially for me. I sat through Church that Sunday (my first one in months!) and knew God was telling me to wake up.

Video courtesy of Victory Greenhills

You won't find a synopsis of the message on this post, nor an explanation on how it spoke to me. That's because I want you to take time out to watch it. It's pretty long, almost an hour in length, but it speaks volumes. If you are in a similar situation where you are lukewarm in your spiritual life, stop running away. Watch this, and wake up.

This battle isn't mine alone. It isn't just yours, either. It is His battle and He fights alongside you and me.

No wake up, calls, Lord! I am wide awake!


  1. It's ok to be tired, Kaye. You've had a long, tiring life battle. We're not perfect. But what's important is you got back up. Redreshed & renewed more than ever. I admire your strength & courage raising the 2 kids on your own. You are a hero in my eyes!! :-*

    1. Momma Jane! I am humbled that you took time to read my blog! Thank you for the encouragement! God is faithful and I am thankful I have Him holding my hand. No mountain too big for Him! xx Thanks!


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