Wednesday, August 7, 2013

On the Mend

I've been feeling so emotional lately, and no, it is not that time of the month. Is it too soon to be going through a mid-life crisis? Nyar.

I cried on the way to work yesterday, and again, on the way home. I stayed an extra three hours in the office last night, because I wanted to de-stress. Yes, de-stressing in the office. Please don't judge. It isn't my kids, it is more like... well, everything.

I wrote this long re-telling of what is actually going on in my life right now, only to realize that you probably don't want to read a sob story that reeks of self-pity and what-not. So I read through it once and deleted it.

I've been here before. I've done this. I've done that. So why am I here again? I am overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that go with single parenting, and making sure my kids have a bright future ahead of them. I am tired of doing this on my own, and I am frustrated that R thinks it's okay with me to be taking over his role.

And yes, I suppose I needed a good, long cry. I've reached burnout. I am beyond exhausted. Yesterday, I looked at my life and thought, why?

I am broken, and it isn't a pretty sight.

So while I was waiting it out last night (I was working, thank you) encoding new releases, I came across this new song by Mandisa.

from the album, Overcomer.

These scars aren't pretty, 
but they're a part of me, 
and will not ever fade away. 

These marks tell a story 
of me down in the valley, 
and how You reached in with Your grace 
and healed me. 

They remind me of Your faithfulness, 
and all You brought me through. 
They teach me that my brokenness 
is something You can use. 
They show me where I've been 
and that I'm not there any more. 
That's what scars, 
that's what scars are for. 

Erase, rewind... 
Wish I could every time. 
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep. 
But when I'm weak, You're strong, 
and in Your power, I can carry on. 
And my scars say that You won't ever leave. 

I see it on the cross... 
The nails You took for me. 
Scars can change the world... 
Scars can set me free.

And you know, it was like the Holy Spirit reaching down and enveloping me with God's grace. You won't believe the peace that I felt after reading the lyrics to this song.

Girl, I may be broken, but My God is strong. And these scars, regardless of how big and ugly they are, He will use for something big and beautiful.

Do you not know? 
Have you not heard? 
The Lord is the everlasting God, 
the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary, 
and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord 
will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint. 
(ISAIAH 40:28-31)

I think I just learned how to soar.


  1. Hi Kaye! So sad to hear about this. Just keep praying. Things will get better and God will provide. Cry it out, it's not easy but I'm sure it'll surpass and you will be surprise at how strong you are.

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