On the Mend

I've been feeling so emotional lately, and no, it is not that time of the month. Is it too soon to be going through a mid-life crisis? Nyar.

I cried on the way to work yesterday, and again, on the way home. I stayed an extra three hours in the office last night, because I wanted to de-stress. Yes, de-stressing in the office. Please don't judge. It isn't my kids, it is more like... well, everything.

I wrote this long re-telling of what is actually going on in my life right now, only to realize that you probably don't want to read a sob story that reeks of self-pity and what-not. So I read through it once and deleted it.

I've been here before. I've done this. I've done that. So why am I here again? I am overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that go with single parenting, and making sure my kids have a bright future ahead of them. I am tired of doing this on my own, and I am frustrated that R thinks it's okay with me to be taking over his role.

And yes, I suppose I needed a good, long cry. I've reached burnout. I am beyond exhausted. Yesterday, I looked at my life and thought, why?

I am broken, and it isn't a pretty sight.

So while I was waiting it out last night (I was working, thank you) encoding new releases, I came across this new song by Mandisa.


WHAT SCARS ARE FOR
Mandisa
from the album, Overcomer.

These scars aren't pretty, 
but they're a part of me, 
and will not ever fade away. 

These marks tell a story 
of me down in the valley, 
and how You reached in with Your grace 
and healed me. 

They remind me of Your faithfulness, 
and all You brought me through. 
They teach me that my brokenness 
is something You can use. 
They show me where I've been 
and that I'm not there any more. 
That's what scars, 
that's what scars are for. 

Erase, rewind... 
Wish I could every time. 
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep. 
But when I'm weak, You're strong, 
and in Your power, I can carry on. 
And my scars say that You won't ever leave. 

I see it on the cross... 
The nails You took for me. 
Scars can change the world... 
Scars can set me free.


And you know, it was like the Holy Spirit reaching down and enveloping me with God's grace. You won't believe the peace that I felt after reading the lyrics to this song.

Girl, I may be broken, but My God is strong. And these scars, regardless of how big and ugly they are, He will use for something big and beautiful.

Do you not know? 
Have you not heard? 
The Lord is the everlasting God, 
the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary, 
and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord 
will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint. 
(ISAIAH 40:28-31)

I think I just learned how to soar.

W for White Hair and Wisdom

I stand in front of our living room mirror each day, checking out each strand of white hair poking through all the black ones and think, I am getting old. Two years ago, I would have thought I was lucky to be looking so young in spite of all the stress I've had to go through with my marriage. But now, I stare back at my reflection and sigh. This isn't me, I need a makeover. And my eldest daughter agrees, "Let's get you a whole new wardrobe. I'll choose your clothes," she says, "We'll use Ama's credit card."

Who says white hair were wisdom strands? I check out each one I've plucked and think to myself, "well, that's one more brain cell dead, rest in peace."

See, in my family, we've had history of Alzheimer's. I remember stories about my maternal grandmother washing herself over and over again because she's forgotten if she's done soaping herself. And it scares me. It freaks me out. And I make mental note after mental note, just so I remind myself to never forget. It has its downside though, especially when it comes to wanting to forget painful matters of the heart.

Forgiveness is a complicated matter. After reading an old post on forgiveness and remembering how forgiveness entails giving the other person a clean slate - forgetting the wrongs, I have once again been convicted (ouch!). You forgive AND forget. Not historical. Like it never happened.

Such simple words for something so difficult to do.

Ah yes, white hair. It is for every problem I've ever dealt with the wrong way. It may be genetic but true beauty emanates from within and dominates the outward appearance.

The joy of the Lord is our strength. It is by His Grace that we are made beautiful. My prayer today is that I learn to deal with each pothole in my life the way God wants me to deal with it -- overlook and overcome the pain by letting His grace overwhelm.

Relationship with God

i haven't been to the dgroup in months. i have been greatly discouraged since september. church-going has been on and off as well. i dunno. succumbing to the temptations of lazying around, i suppose. nyar. plus, i dunno... why is it that when i am closest to God, everything falls apart? or maybe things were never in place anyway. :(

while i am on the verge of being unfaithful to God, He has remained amazingly faithful. He has never let go of my hand. :( however, i am at a state where i really dunno what to do. my insides are screaming and i am so so frustrated. yes, S, i know you heard my shout out from miles away. i am so so broken inside, i don't even know what to do anymore. :(

i do not know how to cope anymore. i have tried everything. G has said that even before anything happened, i have practically been doing everything. so now, i don't know which fork to take.

where is God's grace when i need it the most?

am i being molded to be like job? God knows i do not have a heart so strong to take all that. yes, i am discouraged. am i the only one who sees my relationship with God this way? i am not the perfect Christian. i haven't been living my life the way God wants me to. i haven't strictly obeyed. i have lost touch. and i am sad. depressed. lost.

i got mail from L the other day. and an exerpt of her letter says: The only reason that made me think otherwise about you is the kind of relationship you have with God. how timely. how perfect. i am humbled by this statement because i am not the old K.

Lord, find me.