On that Road to a #BetterMe

I had typed the first part of this post at an airport, while waiting for my flight. Delayed turn-around flight, apparently. So I had a few hours to spare. I spent it thinking. And writing this (well, part of it). I had time to contemplate, and all these thoughts kept swirling in my head.

A few weeks months (!!!) ago, Kris (aka OCMomInManila) invited me to attend a Better Me event. At first, I didn't really know what to expect, except that it was a SoMoms thing, and Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo was speaking. Better Me. At the last minute, I took another look at the invite and noted it was about nurturing relationships with the spouse and children - alright, perfect.

I went to the talk with reservations. I must admit, with all that has happened this past year, my heart had given up. I had already decided that my marriage was, in fact, over. You must be wondering, why now? Why has it taken me this long to wake up. Please read on.

For the past 10 years, I have committed to fight for my family. The last three years saw me fighting a losing battle. My heart was weak. My spirit crushed. I no longer had it in me to go on. Part of me wanted to blame God for being silent. My prayers were left unanswered.

Then right before Christmas of 2012, my spouse came home and asked for forgiveness. Yes, R! I was floored. I didn't know what to make of it. I had been living my days without him in mind, without a prayer for restoration. Yes, you read that right. I was putting up a front - for the past year at least. In my head, I knew I had to keep praying, but my heart didn't have the will nor the desire to go on fighting for him. I brainwashed myself - filled my thoughts with the ugly pieces that made up the conundrum that is my husband.

Two weeks into it, one of our pastors prayed with me and told me to take a leap of faith. Another chance. And yet, a few weeks after that, I saw the old R. Same old, same old. And I built walls around my heart once again. No way was I going to let him hurt me this time. The wall went up. The mask, too. Three months later, he left. And you know, I blamed myself for allowing it to happen. I blamed myself for allowing him to penetrate the walls I had put up to keep my heart (and my kids' hearts) safe. My kids were hoping for restoration. And yet, I failed them.

The rest of 2013 went without hitch. We remained status quo - friends, married, separated, and yet, what were we exactly?

And so it happened that I accepted Kris' invitation to go to that Better Me event. And I have been struggling ever since.

Last week, after attending another one of those talks, I mentioned to Cai how I felt torn right after attending that particular talk in August. And you know, how I wasn't really publishing my half-written post because I didn't want my readers to think things were okay, when in reality, they weren't?

And yes, you're probably thinking: "Has K forgotten about her New Year's resolve?"

No, and that is why I am finally writing about it. That talk. That Better Me event that nagged at my innermost being. Sigh.

It's not that I didn't agree with Coach Pia. Don't get me wrong. I actually agreed with her on all points. And I must give credit where credit is due. Her talk spoke volumes, and in part, it actually convinced me to work on saving what we still have.

Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo

Taking notes...

I think the two life-changing points from her talk that really stayed with me all these months are these:

"YOU WORK TOWARDS A HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE BECAUSE IT AFFECTS YOUR CHILDREN." 
I know, cliché. But really, show me a person who says his or her parents' separation didn't affect him or her at all. It does. And you know, whether you like it or not, the kids bring it with them. It changes them and defines their adult life. I've been asking myself this since that fateful day in August, do I really want this affecting my kids? Do I want them bearing the brunt 'til their adult life? I have the power to change their future - at least the way my kids think about marriage and family. Why won't I give them that?

Nurture your spouse.

Loving unconditionally = sacrifice.

"YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY." 
And that means transcending your personal ego, acknowledging your differences, letting go and forgiving past hurts, starting with a clean slate, and loving beyond words. How hard! I suppose this is where I struggled the most. Loving unconditionally, wow. It's so easy to say, but it entails so much from a person. Just the thought of it makes me want to throw in the towel at once. I cannot imagine myself loving R (or anyone else) when they clearly don't want to be a part of my life. Not that R showed signs he didn't want to be part of ours, but can you imagine loving your spouse in spite of... well, his sins?

And now, 7 months after that talk, I have come to realize that it can be done BUT it can't be done alone. After all, you cannot save a marriage on your own.

But you know what? Here's something I learned from church (I will write more about this on another post): the prodigal spouse doesn't have to agree on saving the marriage. He is not your partner in this quest. This is exactly why all my efforts went to waste in the past. I kept assuming my stand wouldn't work because R refused to save our marriage with me. And it was so easy to give up on him because I thought I couldn't love him the way I did before. You can't do it alone. You need GRACE to fight for your marriage. That's how you love unconditionally - you have to learn from the One who loves us in spite of past hurts, in spite of the many times we fall short of His glory - the One who forgives us, regardless.

So yes, readers, we are working on the marriage. We: God and I. There are a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but these issues are all about me. Not R. He has to deal with his personal issues on his own. I have forgiven him and will continue to forgive him, no matter how long it takes (or how often). And right now, we're friends. We're not exactly there, but we're getting somewhere. In fact, I would say, we're better now than when we were together. And you know, this loving unconditionally business gets easier by the day. When I don't feel like loving him that way, I just think about my kids, and know in my heart and mind that this is what I should do. I think about my own shortcomings and how we all don't deserve forgiveness and second chances anyway, but God gives it freely. So with that mindset, I know R deserves the same even when he doesn't deserve it. Yep, GRACE.

I sit here today, and I know I made the right resolve. I am my better me today, because of this. I've thrown worry, doubt and bitterness in the bin, and have started anew.


I'm sorry it took this long for me to write this piece. I want to thank YBS (Your Brand Story) and One Core for making talks like this possible. This particular talk has really, really made a difference in my life. Thank you to BPI for supporting this Better Me session (and for my really cool and very helpful finance journal), and to OMBU for a really delicious and memorable Filipino lunch (I love, love, love your Binakol!). 

My cool Financial Wellness Journal from BPI.

You guys should try Ombu. I love their Binakol (okay, I said that already)!
Ombu Modern Filipino Restaurant
G/F Sequoia Hotel, 91-93 Mother Ignacia Avenue, corner Timog Avenue, QC; (02) 441-0518

With Coach Pia, BPI and the SoMoms! What a privilege! Thank you, Kris!

Praying for Patience

www.savagechickens.com

What movie was it that had the "God" character saying "...if you pray for patience... God gives you the opportunity to be patient?"

I don't see myself being patient at the moment. Instead, I am finding myself in situations where my patience is being tested - pulled, pushed and squished all together. Argh! Do you know how difficult it is to be in my shoes today? To do things the right and godly way - focusing on God and nothing else? Sure, easy to say, but so, so, soooo hard to do. I am losing patience by the gallon.

So help me, God.

Confused.

I had a blog post prior to this one, but I lost it when I forgot to save it. Was blogging in traffic, and the app doesn't keep drafts on standby when the ipad/iphone dies. Oh well. I had blogged about life and how it is short. T'was a general post brought about by thoughts that came to me while stuck in traffic. I was headed to a wake, the dad of my middle school "kuya" had passed on. 

Looking back at the thoughts that crossed my already confused mind, I am more confused now than ever. I am blogging at Starbucks, while waiting for R, who went to get something for the kids. Yes, in the province for work and chanced upon the H. *insert deep breath here*

I don't even know what to make of this. I came here determined, heart closed. Or so I thought. But talking to J last night about upholding the covenant, regardless, has made my determination woozy. I am confused. 

So. What now, Lord? What now? 

I am sooooo confused.

Haha.

G came over tonight with T. surprise! surprise! he's back from singapore. imagine that. but ha! he's heading back, in two months. says his boss gave him a break to rethink the contract. i doubt his boss wants him to leave, i mean, after all, he quit his job three times already. and yet, he always has this new contract to consider.

how many times did i tell G to tell him to stay? to come back to manila where his heart obviously is? sigh. men! they want something but they are so indecisive. come to think of it, most women are the same. how many times has G expressed her desire to have him back home with the kids? how many times did she cry buckets because she wished he was by her side? sometimes, it's better to act spontaneously. that way, when it happens, it happens. and you have no choice, no chance to take things back. it's 50/50. it's either you regret or you rejoice. but when you linger... when you are trying to decide and you get the chance to weigh your options... ay-yah!

anyway, T tried calling R tonight, while G and i watched the kids run around the driveway. but ha! his phone was off. this time, i wasn't gonna let the devil plant thoughts into my head. nope. no-sir-ree... this time, i will trust God. and let God. i suppose i scored an 8 outta 10 tonight. i still texted my bro-in-law M. see, he called earlier to look for his brother. but i honestly didn't know where he was. in fact, at 9pm, while heading home from galle (yep, all that 3 minutes in the car), i resolved to pretend not to care. resolved to stop checking and calling or texting even (but not totally since i was planning on showering him with my love when he's asleep and snoring, hehe). and then i found out from M that R's mobile was once again off. hohum. so much for trying to act like i didn't care. suddenly, paranoia crept in and i could feel it killing me once more. not again. sigh. i turned on the tv and spent 30 minutes watching entertainment news on 2nd avenue. that's when G and T showed up. ah! distraction! then right when they left, i recalled R calling earlier about his missing charger. ha! he probably just went to dad's place to see if he left his charger there. and so, i couldn't help it. i texted M.

haha! i was right! they're at the wake. he did go to dad's place! and since M was looking for him earlier so R could go with him to paz, that's exactly what happened.

sometimes, you just know... i suppose it's cause you are of one flesh. and it goes for all things. i mean, you're connected, somehow. like me, for instance...i know if R's happy. or if he's planning a surprise. if the pillow he gave you for your anniv came from someone else (read: girl friday). if he's out with his flavor of the bi-week (haha!). if he's hiding the phone because... well, because he's got a lot to hide. hmmm... i just know. haha. yea, whoopie! lucky me. :P