Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Guest Blogger: T

I have been so busy at the office that I haven't had time to blog. That, plus broadband at home is on and off. So today, we're doing it a tad different. I have a Guest Blogger! My friend T wrote this on her blog today and I asked if I could repost for all of you. If you regularly check my reading pane on the left (Daily Read), you will find her blog there. T and I were schoolmates back when life was easier. We've both had to deal with trials in our lives - we each have a heavy cross to carry, and yet, we find encouragement in each other.

T has had to deal with more than her fair share of hardship in the past 10 years, and more in the past month alone. She wrote this piece to get a load off her chest. I love how she writes, and I hope you find this piece beautiful. I was in tears.

Operation: Rescue

I think I lost all my writing skills this past week. In fact, I have lost a lot of things in my life that it probably would never be the same again. I don't understand it. I cannot wrap my head around the betrayal I've had to face these past few days. I feel disgusted, upset, furious, hurt, relieved, confused... just about every emotion a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister would never want to feel. I opened doors wide open to something that Ive worked so hard on. The very thing I valued the most.

I opened my marriage unknowingly to Satan. I handed it on a silver platter to him.

Now, here I am. Broken. In pieces. In shock. The truth hit me like a sledge hammer in my heart, a knife through my back. I literally felt the physical pain when God handed me the bitter truth in the worst possible way. I remember feeling lightheaded and kapow! Game over. It probably would be a tad bit easier... just a tad bit easier if I had a slight insight. Or if the other party was someone I didn't know. But to be absolutely CLUELESS and all of a sudden shoved with the truth to your face... well, I felt like an absolute jerk. It took all my self control not to self destruct or worst, destroy him.

The biggest question that I wanted to know was WHY? Why did they do this to me? Why did this all happen right under my nose without me knowing? I was with her every weekend. I talked and chatted with her everyday. I just saw her 3 weeks ago. The last thing she did was hold me and whispered in my ear "I love you T. Sobra, you don't even know how much. Love na love kita."

Good God. It makes my stomach churn.

I gave him an out. I said the door is open. Walk out. Go ahead. If she is your true love, I don't want you to come back to me someday and tell me that I kept you from leaving. Not my style. Unlike her, I didn't threaten to kill myself if he left. I will not pretend that it'd be ok that he would walk out, but it would not kill me. I gave him 3 days to decide. He said he didn't need three days. That he knew he loved me, his family...that she was a cry for help.

But what do I know? Everything I knew, treasured and cared for almost the past year was a lie. It makes me shiver how I let that person in my house. Cared for her like a sister. Defended her when everybody told me that she was lurking like a lion ready to pounce. I said she would never be able to do something like that to me! She's a good friend. I cannot even wrap my head around something like that... incomprehensible to the point of impossible. No one can be that thick. Nobody can be that big of a snake. I would never do something like that, therefore nobody could hurt me that way as well.

I wasn't prepared at all. Just thinking about it right now makes my blood boil.

Now, where do we go from here? Now here I am picking up the bits and pieces they broke. Who is hurting the most now? Now I have to give out blind trust... its not fair. Trust is earned. Now that's all gone. Now if i want to move on, I have to take a leap of faith. It reminds me of that scene in Indiana Jones where he was at the edge of the cliff and he kept mumbling "leap of faith. leap of faith." Then he threw himself over and sure enough Jehovah provided the road.

The key word in that scene was Jehovah. For him to take that leap of faith, he had to spell out God's name. Call it out and take that leap of faith.

The past week and a half has been an absolute turmoil. But it finally broke me. I had to search my heart and look at the deepest part of me. I had to make myself accountable. Between me and my God. I had to take myself back 18 years ago. I had to take myself back the past year. Now I see things clearly. So clearly that I could kick myself if I could.

I had to call out to God. All of a sudden my philosophy with her was ridiculous. "Do what makes you happy. Do it. Life is short. Whatever makes us happy. Who cares what others say?"

What a silly outlook. What a selfish, conceited, overconfident outlook that I had. It was just like saying "Who cares what God says? if it feels good, it must be ok. It makes me happy. So there."

Boy, I could see God just grabbing me by the neck on that high horse and pushing me to the ground.

And God said ENOUGH.
Enough of your pride.
Enough of your confidence in yourself.
Enough of doing what makes you happy, out of God's will.
Enough of the blatant disregard for the rules of life.
Your enemy will never play fair. Never.

God gave me all the warning I needed. Through lessons on friendship on how I needed to step back . Through people. Everybody warned me. That's no exaggeration. Everybody who was close to me warned me. But because my perception was so distorted, reality escaped me like a bird flying in the dark. God loved me so much that He warned me "There's a storm coming. A big one."


In the end, the last straw is always to go back. Back to basics. Back to the Lord. The words "Apart from me you are nothing" plays over and over in my head. Apart from God, we are unworthy. Apart from Him, we will self destruct. Apart from Him, everything is in shambles. Meaningless.

But praise God. In all things give praise.
It was a bitter pill to swallow. But I had to.
It was a lesson in unconditional love. Absolute forgiveness.

All of a sudden my marriage meant the world to me. For the past years I have threatened to give up. Walk away. Start anew. Now I have every reason to go. Every reason to walk away. Every right to wrap it all up... it made me realize how much my husband meant to me. How I want to believe that He who began a good work in me and him will be faithful to complete it. That we are both accountable. Forget her. Easier said than done, but forget her. The forbidden fruit tastes good. The thrill of it. But you bite into that you are immediately cast out of your Eden. Out of God's will.

God forgive me. I trusted people instead of You. I looked the other way even though You tried to break it to me gently. I waited for failure.

But my God is a God of mercy. It's been years since we've both prayed together. Now we are down on our knees, begging. Begging for God to take us back in his Will. Begging him to take a hold of the mess we created. Offering ourselves in sacrifice, holy and acceptable to be called children of God once again.

In the end, God saved my soul. My life. AGAIN . Again and again and again.

Last night my husband reminded me of a song he dedicated to me when he was still trying to date me. Now the words of "So Amazing" by Luther Vandross meant the world to me. All of a sudden it wasn't as cheesy as I told him then. I forgot about that. We are both reminded. We have come so far. Since 1993.

It's not easy. One minute I'm ok, the next I feel someone's bashing me in the head. All these rollercoaster of emotions.

She is not important. She's an absolute nobody in the bigger picture. She was not my friend to begin with. Now that I am looking back, she had her eyes dead set on ruining us. Day one. I had an instinct on day one but I got distracted. Distracted by other situations. Distracted by flattery. Distracted by my warped way of looking at life.

Sometimes I wonder why I let myself go so far away again from looking to God when I of all people should know first hand that God will not be mocked. He will not stand idly by and let his children destroy themselves.

This circumstance revealed both our characters. How weak we are. Pathetic. Apart from God's will we are headed for failure. 100% guaranteed destruction.

When all this was revealed, I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy all this time. Now, I don't know him.

But everyday, things get better. Even the slightest inch helps.

Someday I will heal.

Right now I am rediscovering him in an entirely new way. My role is suddenly redefined. I had to stake my claim. Fight for what is rightfully mine. Aggressively. Satan is not sitting by like a dove. He is aggressively trying to kill, steal and destroy me. I have to put on my armour. My dusty, old armour and fight for what God has given me . What he set apart for me. I will go to battle , eyes wide open. I will not be moved. I claim victory in my life. I claim happiness. I claim my husband.

God rescued me. He rescued him. He rescued my family. He said He will not leave me nor forsake me and He made good on that promise. He had no plans for us to end this way. He didn't give us miracle after miracle just so we can just waste it. But we had to make that choice. That holy vow we did 15 years ago. It is holy. What God has put together let no man put asunder. It was sealed with a kiss. A holy kiss. Not the kiss of death . The gift of new life. From that holy vow came 3 children we both would take a bullet for. That holy vow was made in love. In faith.

God, take me back in to the Holy of Holies. I am absolutely horrified with myself at how blatantly I mocked you through my life that you have so preciously preserved.

I am standing at the edge of the cliff.
Leap of faith.
Leap of faith.

And my Jehovah provided a road to stand on. A way out. Leap of faith.

“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced; They shall be as nothing, And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them–Those who contended with you. Those who war against you Shall be as nothing, As a nonexistent thing. For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, “Fear not, I will help you.” Isaiah 41:10-13

Taken from Work In Progress - my good friend T's blog here. Please include her and her family in your prayers.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails