Saturday, July 21, 2007

Waiting for Godot.

Waiting for Godot -- this has been a long-standing joke amongst my Ateneo friends. after taking this up for Philosophy class in college, we'd always use the phrase when describing things or situations that never actually happen. yes, much like how it was in Waiting for Godot. because Godot never comes.

and so today, i see parallelisms to how i feel about the whole R-US-coming-home-or-writing/calling-home-even thing. it is so much like the feeling when you're "waiting for Godot" and *sigh, he never comes. because the ball is not in my hands, but in his, so i am left waiting and waiting and waiting... :(

i don't know why i am letting my frustration take hold of me. after all, i've been giving you guys all that pep talk about "putting on God's armor" et al. and what? am i realizing i am nothing like the ideal soldier? am i more like the frightened chicken, someone hiding in the shadows instead of standing in the light?

sadly so, this is how i feel today. i even wrote a letter to R this morning -- a letter about... well... letting go. do not get me wrong, it is nothing like giving up. that is not what i am doing! more like letting go of being caught up in this whole thing. letting go of aaaalllllll that waiting and looking forward when all i ever, ever do is set myself up for the trap. and i always end up disappointing myself anyway. so yes, i do not want to wait. i do not want to wait for Godot.

needless to say, i am still hopeful. it is just that, right now... the best thing to do is to let God take all this away from me. because i am not a very strong person. i am at my wits' end. and it is driving me crazy thinking of what i should do. and at this point, i feel...helpless. and i desperately want to do things God's way. and the other day, while talking to R over the phone, i realized i didn't even ask myself WWJD... and it saddens me that i made the wrong move all over again. i want to be able to think about that first, to consider my steps before i even act, think or speak. because without doing so, i feel like i am getting nowhere. in fact there are times when i feel i am moving backward instead of onward.

i am frustrated. and it sure feels like the end of the world sometimes. but no, this is not giving up. this is more like NOT waiting for something that won't come but sitting prettily, happy with all that God has given me NOW... then because i am not expecting him, i will be ecstatic when Godot finally comes. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails