OJT

Our nanny is missing in action again (recurring bout of hives this time). So the little man is in the office with me.

How do you like our new OJT? LOL!

Double Timing

Yes, yes, it is expected. Each time I strengthen my resolve to stand, the devil double times. Pant! Pant! I am sure he is exhausted. I am not giving up.

I finally got a new tracker on this blog. A better one. Yesterday, on FB, one of my friends commented on how she remembers my "Tracker Sees You" post and how it felt so eerie to have me track who my readers are. But hey, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I have stalkers. How I wish my stalkers were cute, handsome men. LOL! But no, I have none of those (none that I know of anyway) and many of the desperate women kind. The kind that check to see if I am good with the hubby, the kind that see if there is anything up my sleeve.

So last night, I got the brush from the hubby. Apparently, a "friend" of his has been reading my blog. And I suppose my recent post on "loving" him rubbed off the wrong way on the "friend".

What's so wrong with being friends with my husband? He is, after all, still MY husband - the father of my children, the man who calls me everyday to check on the kids, etc. And who are you, may I ask, but the clingy "friend" who expects the world from a man who can never be fully yours. Let me remind you, I am not the desperate-woman-seeking-full-attention here. I know where I stand. And I know that the Lord is on my side. Who, pray tell, is on yours?

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:7-9;

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Not Afraid to Shout It Out Loud!

I love my husband, and I am not afraid to tell the whole world so. We are no longer together -- been separated since 2009 actually.

This is my 2nd Valentines without him, but I am ok. We're good friends... well, at least, I'd like to think so. A lot of people have personally asked me how this is all possible, and why I haven't given up on this man... my constant answer is "my hope doesn't rely on him." My hope is in the Lord.

Ok, so it's a safe answer. I must admit that there are times I question myself as well. And dealing with the fact isn't easy. Here is this man I have loved for 10 whole years - a man I promised I'd love for better or for worse. And yet, the worse came, and we both chickened out. O_o

We were at opposite poles (and no, the rule of "opposites attract" did not apply to us). We were no longer on the same page. I was thinking about family, and well... he... let's just say, he wasn't seeing the same thing.

My friend, G, over dinner last Friday declared this fact about me "the family unit is so important to you, no?" And it dawned on me, he may be right, but that just isn't it. He's missing the point.

I am not some wife hanging on desperately to a man who doesn't want me. I am sure there were instances along the road that made me want to give up. And I am sure there were times when I felt so sure that is what I wanted. And needed. But I also believe in an omnipotent God who says "With Me, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE." That's where my conviction lies. People criticize me about it, telling me all sorts about how God doesn't want me miserable, how God has something good planned for me if I get out of my sad state of a marriage.

But I am not lonely, let alone miserable. There are times I feel alone, and I must admit that there are times I feel soooo out of it. So out of whack, my bestfriend would like to say. But God's grace is abundant. His mercies are new every morning. EVERY MORNING.

I choose to put my faith in Him who can do absolutely everything. I am limited by my own mind, but God's ways are higher than mine. My heart has God written all over it. There is no emptiness. No loneliness. In fact, I am overwhelmed by His love.

So I choose happiness today. The void has been replaced by something more than I could ever ask for.

And so, Valentines, to me, isn't some sad pagan celebration of some love lost, because the truth remains: I still love my husband, and I am not afraid to say so. One day I will look back and declare that I ran the race with no regrets.

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