I thought I had a thousand and one words for this blog today. But now, as I sit here in front of my laptop, I stare at the screen and I cannot find it in me to blog about what happened. All I can say is that I am disheartened that some people can be so cruel, to overlook the fact that there are kids involved in this whole brouhaha. So much so that it only matters to them that they get their stories out, forgetting that it isn't any of their business to do so. Sigh. I never imagined they'd do this. I am nothing short of appalled.

I have never been so angry in my life. I realized my hands were shaking right after I put the phone down (and I thought there was something wrong with my Vaio vibrating like so, LOL!). And today, I found it in me to cry. Twice. No, never dare threaten a mother who looks after her young. I still get angry thinking about it. I still have a thousand and one words for them, but only for them (and not this blog), so help me.

~~~

I spent a good two hours in A's school today. I got her report card yesterday and I am not surprised about the comments her teachers made. She has lost focus and spends a lot of time daydreaming, staring into space, talking to her seat mates, etc. My daughter has her mind elsewhere. Just the other day, I overheard her talking to a friend and she was saying how sad she was because her dad hasn't visited in weeks. And although I know she knows she won't be seeing him anytime soon, I cannot bring myself to tell her so. I look at her at night when she's asleep, and think of ways to infuse strength to her character, and I crumble at the thought that I can't protect her all the time.

So today, as I left A's school, I looked at my daughter and even though I saw sadness in her eyes, she managed to smile back when I smiled at her. I may not be able to take her away from the reality of things, but we can pretend. So tonight, we will pretend. We will forget about our problems. Yes, a great comedy like Kimmy Dora sounds good. :) We both know we need a good laugh.

Devoted

Read

Devoted Lyrics

here.

DEVOTED

by: Citipointe Live

I'm losing
my whole life
In your purpose and
for your heart's desire
I'm running
with blinded eyes
faith as my guide
let your love take flight

Refrain:
For you, all was put aside
all for you and I
Father it's you I love

Chorus:
I'm devoted to you
sacred love, my truth
I'm devoted to you
all in all I worship you
I worship you my Lord

Bridge:
Precious God
Into your arms
Without blame I come
Your blood has saved us all

~~~

If there is one thing I am thankful for, with touring with Citipointe Live this past week or so, it is learning a lot from the team. And learning this song is one of them. I don't know where this path is leading me. All I know is that I have God by my side, and with faith as my guide, nothing could go wrong. I am comforted in this thought.

What about you? Where are you heading, and who is steering your ship?

Routine

Life's pace has finally found brakes and we're down to a steady gear. Got a text from my best friend, checking out how things are with the kids and if the scene is pretty much normal now. I guess you could say the past few days have been quiet. Work kept me distracted. That, plus a bunch of new, good Aussie friends.

A has been asking for the dog lately. Funny how she's noticed July missing, and has limited her questions about her dad to the usual guessing game of 'Do you think daddy's at home?' each time we turn into the garage. Well, that's what you get when your child's used to NOT having her father around. Sadly, it is normal routine, and A thinks her dad is just out at the gym, at her lolo's, or with friends.

I grew up with working parents. There was a time in my life when I was even closest to my nanny. But my parents are great folks who teach us how to put God first, who impart values and make sure we grew up to be good people. They make us priority next to God and each other. They plan vacays and take us places to enjoy being with each other. It was and still is my dream to give my kids more or less the same childhood I had. However, R took a part of that dream away when he started prioritizing 'other things' over family. He was always, always, always out. Vacations were spent without him, or if he had any planned, without us. Family Day Sundays were limited to church service and a drive-thru for dinner (when we're lucky). And well, his time at home equated to stress for everyone else.

But don't get me wrong, R is a good father. I've admitted in the past that he is the better parent. But that's just it: you CANNOT be a good parent when you cannot be there for your kids. When you cannot provide a family or a future for your kids. When you choose to be there for them ONLY when you feel like it. When your friends become priority and your kids become 'next time'.

Sadly, this is reality not only in my home but in many other homes as well. Do you want your kids to belong to broken homes? I wish parents would think first before they even begin to destroy the very basic thing each person has. And that is family. Once, in a conversation with an officemate friend, we talked about how the devil attacks families because at the core of each person, a family exists. Each one has a family some way, somehow. You destroy that, you destroy the very basic thing each person has. No wonder Smokey double-times!

~~~

The kids and I stayed home today. We planned on going to the zoo but it rained as we were headed out. Staying indoors has its advantages. I lazed around and took naps with the little one. A spent the afternoon in front of the laptop. But you can only keep a 7-year-old entertained for so long. Soon, she got bored and kept checking out the clock. One day inside and she went crazy. I remember watching time tick by when I had to spend a month and a half on bedrest. I drove myself crazy. R must be going nuts. Hehe! ;)

I am so frustrated. I feel as if everything has spun out of control. My life's story has just gotten bigger. Nyar. It is now a 10-part teleserye. :P

But then, all that is happening to R is expected. No sin is left unhidden. Everything will eventually come out. Yep, all 'em skeletons in the closet. That is why, I am glad that I have Jesus in my life. Because it is through Christ that we have no condemnation! (Romans 8:1) Now, if only it works the same for man. Forgiveness is just so hard to do! And vengeance? Now that's another story. Man tends to take things into his own hands, seeking revenge when he should leave it all to God. Yes, so easy to say, so hard to do.

Many of you have written to say how strong I am. I am not strong. It is God who lives in me that is strong. In my weakness, He is strong. And His power is manifested in my weakness. This is all G-R-A-C-E. Awesome grace.

That is why I worry about R. He doesn't know how it is to depend on God. And in his own ability, he falls short. He cannot handle the stress; He breaks under pressure. I pray for God to reveal Himself to him during this time.

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I think I dozed off only to wake up shaking from a bad dream (yes, there are still things that are worse than the nightmare I've lived through, ha!).

~~~

The good news is... I finally got to see the baby after almost a week of being away. Alas, I must leave again tomorrow since the tour runs through Monday. All good, at least I can be with him at night. He took three steps on his own today. Must've been way excited to see me. :) I was told that he had a slight fever yesterday, and that his first tooth broke out. Aww... there goes that priceless toothless grin. :(