Saturday, May 5, 2007

Vacation's Over!

well yea, vacation from non-blogging, that is. i don't know what bit me, but i couldn't find time to write. haven't even attempted to move my entries from xanga to here. i suppose it's cause i have been swamped with work... plus of course, losing S last month. :( *sniff* now that i think about it, i am once more filled with sadness. why should someone so full of life and promise go on ahead? S was so loved! God should have taken me instead. yea, He should have. because a few days after S left, i sorta died. died again.

am i suppose to write my thoughts down? can i keep them to myself and God this time? :( i cannot say if i am mad or confused, because the main feeling in me right now is extreme sadness. i don't know how much more of this i can take. L says it's all a passing phase. one day, he will grow up, and one day, he will realize his mistakes. thing is, will i still be here to witness that "one day"?

i feel like i am in a losing battle. fighting for him seems so useless at this point. i mean, even if i do, will it guarantee my victory? he has denied his mistakes in the past, gotten wild with anger each time i'd confront him... but it was very different this time. he admitted his faults. so. different. should i be scared? we had lunch together today, a rare event inspite of us working just a block away from each other. he tried to comfort me. pray tell, do show me your remorse, won't you? i am in so much pain.

J says i shouldn't be that scared. i mean, yea, be sad but hey, thank God he's with 10 different bitches at the same time! and thank God YOU KNOW, when they all walk blindly through his valley of lies and false names, ages and what-nots. yea, thank you, God. because i am his and he is mine, and regardless, i will never give him up.

a few hours ago, when he texted to say he was out his male buddies, he included this phrase: NO MORE GIRLS. should i take it as a promise? ay-yah! i am not a sucker for empty promises. but i want to believe him... heck, i really want to but i do not wish to let my guard down. for 3 whole years, i did not even bother snooping around. didn't even care if he really had a mobile. yep, i went on blindly for 3 darn years. last september however, without even trying, i discovered his mobile phone and the videos. yes, this time, i don't care if he'll end up hating me but yes, this time, i will be on guard!

funny thing about me being sad and depressed... i either binge or spend. tonight i spent over a thousand bucks with A over at Timezone. i didn't want to go home. i needed comforting and i found it in a place that provided kiddie entertainment. yea, 1000 bucks and all we took home was a small bubble bottle.

ho-hum. life is very difficult. but i have to move forward. look forward. what a journey this will be.

1 comment:

  1. hi! I came across searching for your blog as I was reading fashion police's back posts. I was just curious. I'm afraid you'd consider me a stalker or one of them girls. I know this issue is so long ago but I really wanna tell you how I admire you so freaking much. I don't know how to reach you without looking stalker-ish. I'm no one, just a curious reader. See, issues like this always get my attention. ALWAYS. I am a daughter from my father's 3rd family. My mom is the 3rd woman he had children with. I grew up seeing him with different girls, always going out at night and a VIP at clubs etc. I always wondered why is he like that. Till now that I'm already 21 years old and mind you, he's 68 with a 24 year old girlfriend. I didn't grow up hating him because he's been a good father to me and my brother. My mom didn't hate him. She didn't want us to hate him. I grew up NOT wanting to marry a man like him. I grew up wishing and praying to have my own family, not broken-complete. I grew up praying for the man who will not hurt me by engaging in infidelity. With our society nowadays, I become even more scared bec. it's as if its a trend. I always feel for the women who are betrayed. I cry and hurt with them. I read ur posts and everything is so touching, so admirable. You are so kind! No wonder you're blessed. Blessed with true people around you who loves you so much. I'm sure your kids will grow up to be good people who will look up to you as their inspiration. Sorry for taking so much of your time reading this. Di talaga ko stalker swear. =\ God bless you :)


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