The Essence of a Woman

This post was written as an entry to FitFlop Philippines' "Essence of a Woman" contest, in commemoration of Women's Month. Please help by liking my entry here. Thanks!

Some say it is the ability to bear kids, some say it is the ability to love. Some say it is tolerance for pain. But my momma would always tell me that the one thing that drives a woman's spirit is INSTINCT.

See, most women do have the ability to have children, to love, to deal with pain, and yet, some do not. But if there is one thing every woman in this world has, it is INSTINCT - instinct to care for children that aren't theirs, instinct to love the unlovable, instinct to bear pain that isn't tolerable. When a woman is unable to bear children or to become natural mothers, that doesn't make them any less a woman.

My cousins and I grew up with nannies. Our mothers were full-time working moms. Although they were there for us at night, we clung to women who weren't the ones who gave us life. Our nannies were the ones who took care of us day in and day out. They were our second moms. And although we weren't blood-related, we were loved like we were their own. We were put first. They wiped our tears, held our hands, and had the instinct to protect and nurture us.

They also had the instinct to fight for us. To shield us from pain. My nanny cried with me the first time a boy made me cry. She was the first one to hug me and assure me that everything will be alright. It is the same for my cousin when her mom left for the States to work. It was her nanny that took over.

When my husband and I separated, my daughter clung to her nanny for balance. She became my little girl's shock absorber (as I work full time) -- her beam of strength and support.

You don't have to be a mother to be a real woman. It is the INSTINCT within each woman that defines her as woman. These nannies were never mothers. But they were more than mothers to us. They were women of essence.

(Photo shows my cousin Ayesha*, with her 70+ year old nanny, Yaya Julie.)

Incidentally, the Microwobbleboard technology applied to FitFlop sandals is comparable to the essence of every woman since like it, FitFlop sandals have the ability to absorb more shock than normal, and equip women with needed support and balance.

According to the Official FitFlop website, "FitFlop footwear is biomechanically engineered to help tone and tighten your leg muscles while you walk in them. Studies at the Centre for Human Performance at London South Bank University (LSBU) show that normal walking in FitFlop sandals can help:

- help increase leg and bottom muscle activity (up to 30%; so you feel less ache in your hips and knees),
- absorb more shock than a normal shoe (up to 22%),
- help realign ground force reaction closer to your joints, and
- reduce foot pressure."

Truly a great shoe for the great woman.

FitFlop. Get a workout while you walk™

Wanna know more about FitFlop? Check out their website here. Be a FitFlopper! Like the FitFlop Philippines page on Facebook here.

* My cousin Ayesha was a Director and Business Team Leader at BNP Paribas. In 2009, she retired from banking to fully concentrate on her work for ARK, Advancement for Rural Kids, a New York-based, non-government organization she co-founded. ARK's mission is focused on improving education and health of school age children living in impoverished rural communities in the Philippines. To know more about ARK, their projects, and how to help, visit www.ruralkids.org

W for White Hair and Wisdom

I stand in front of our living room mirror each day, checking out each strand of white hair poking through all the black ones and think, I am getting old. Two years ago, I would have thought I was lucky to be looking so young in spite of all the stress I've had to go through with my marriage. But now, I stare back at my reflection and sigh. This isn't me, I need a makeover. And my eldest daughter agrees, "Let's get you a whole new wardrobe. I'll choose your clothes," she says, "We'll use Ama's credit card."

Who says white hair were wisdom strands? I check out each one I've plucked and think to myself, "well, that's one more brain cell dead, rest in peace."

See, in my family, we've had history of Alzheimer's. I remember stories about my maternal grandmother washing herself over and over again because she's forgotten if she's done soaping herself. And it scares me. It freaks me out. And I make mental note after mental note, just so I remind myself to never forget. It has its downside though, especially when it comes to wanting to forget painful matters of the heart.

Forgiveness is a complicated matter. After reading an old post on forgiveness and remembering how forgiveness entails giving the other person a clean slate - forgetting the wrongs, I have once again been convicted (ouch!). You forgive AND forget. Not historical. Like it never happened.

Such simple words for something so difficult to do.

Ah yes, white hair. It is for every problem I've ever dealt with the wrong way. It may be genetic but true beauty emanates from within and dominates the outward appearance.

The joy of the Lord is our strength. It is by His Grace that we are made beautiful. My prayer today is that I learn to deal with each pothole in my life the way God wants me to deal with it -- overlook and overcome the pain by letting His grace overwhelm.

Setting the Record Straight

First off, I am not a housewife. I would LOVE to be, but I am not one. Lucky me, I have to work full-time because I have no one else I can depend on to raise my kids with me. Why? Well because I have been blessed by this season of single parenthood. Yes, blessed.

Second, I have never mentioned any of R's girls by name, be it first, second or last (initials, yes, to get their attention as they stumble upon this blog while googling for R, and only to let them know that I KNOW about them). Neither have I ever described their circumstances on this blog. My intentions to ever blog about them was one of the reasons this blog was revived in the first place. I started blogging about R to warn the girls that he was taken. But then later shifted to talk about my stand on staying married. If circumstances (I would never reveal her name) surrounding a girl's identity leaked out, then it is because I commented on another blog -- because that other blog's post hit so close to home (thank goodness that post with my comment is now down). BUT not because I wanted to seek revenge on that person.

Third, I have been hurt by the circumstances surrounding R's affair with this one woman, but I chose not to confront her nor expose her secret affair, even when I was feeling so vindictive and scorned. And yes, even it was so hard to comprehend, let alone swallow, because the truth was: I kinda liked her (her son would call up my daughter pa!). But no, we were never (NEVER!) friends. We were never introduced. The most I ever gave her was a smile.

And finally (this will be the last time I will talk about you or give you space on my blog), I know YOU read my blog, because you told R so. You claimed I even sent you a text and told him I created fake Friendster profiles to destroy his reputation. You know, I have never been accused of something as shallow as that. Why would I do such a thing? Am I the only woman in this world crossed with R's lewd activities? Girl, let me just say, I have long forgiven you. But I will never, never forget.

"If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang." - Charley Reese

PS. While it is true that my kids know about their father's womanizing, it is not mainly because of this blog. R once took our daughter to see one of his women. There are other instances also when it dawned on her that this was the case when she saw pictures of R with someone else while riding in his car. Our daughter will be 9 soon. Kids are not ignorant. Let alone stupid. I think I would be the first one to shield my kids from horror stories about their father. This blog is actually a quest to leave a legacy they will be proud of -- not one of hatred, separation, or divorce.

Tactics of a Woman Scorned

I got to talk to a friend who recently found out about an affair her husband has been having for the past 2 years. She is, needless to say, torn. She loves her husband and is a good, good wife. She doesn't understand how this happened. He worshiped her when he was wooing her. And now this.

She is vindictive. Wanting revenge. The girl involved is someone she knows. "She's an acquaintance. We've met before." Apparently at parties hosted by her husband's place of work. She's hurt. "Sagad sa buto, K." And she cannot just sit and wait it out.

Over two weeks ago, she got hold of her husband's mobile phones (3!) and checked out each text. Of course she went crazy! She also commissioned the help of her cousin-in-law, who happens to be an IT expert, and had a personal email hacked. She's gone through home office drawers, cabinets, car glove compartments - just to spy on him. She even went as far as stalking the husband and following him around town (in a friend's vehicle).

When she first came to me, I thought she was going crazy. Then I stopped myself and remembered: This was me, 4 years or so ago.

Yes, I've been there. I've done that. And I understand. Women become helpless in situations such as hers. You feel the need to do something, albeit wrong.

My heart went out to her. It is hard -- her circumstances. You wouldn't know what to say, because to a woman scorned, there is no reasoning, no convincing, no advice. She does what she wants to do. And if that decision brings her to rage, there is nothing much you can say nor do.

So what do you do? What else can you do but pray? Teach her to ask for grace. I remember sitting on the floor of our walk in closet (back at our first home), crying out and asking for comfort and peace. I remember crying my heart out over the phone to one of my bestfriends (at dawn!) as he tried (t'was futile) to calm me down. I was crazy - a near lunatic. Who's to say what I should have done? My marriage was falling apart.

I cannot blame women who panic at the slightest sign of deceit in marriage. I was once there. Panic is actually an understatement to the flurry of emotions one feels when suspecting an affair. My friend couldn't deal with it. This was her way of coping -- panicking and getting angry. Guess what, her husband hated it.

I understand how it is. Believe me, I understand the need for wives (or girlfriends) to do something (anything!) just to get things back to how it was. But woman, you will never win your husband back with sly tactics. You will never convince them that you are their prized possession. You will never convince them to love you more when you remain paranoid, angry and bitter. They will only see the ugly part of it. They will despise you even more. The way to win in this situation is to LET GOD HANDLE IT. There's no other way to come out victorious but to give it all to God.

*Note to self: I should take my own advice. Ha!