Monday, March 8, 2010

Still Dreaming

So yesterday, we spent the afternoon checking out my parents' new house. They've lived in a condo for the past 18 or so years, so finding a new house to call home is a blessing. We were looking at their guestroom, when I joked "Why'd you put twin beds? We won't fit."

"Who says you're moving in with us?", my mom retorts.

"Oh." I said.

Oh. And here I was hoping I could move back in for a few years so I can save up for a place of my own. In fact, we've discussed it a couple of times.

I guess my mom noticed the disappointment in that one-syllable word she got out of me, because today, over the phone, she gave me a lengthy sermon. One which drove me to tears. Apparently, our past discussions on how I can move back in for a couple of years was all a joke. "You very well know that you have too much stuff. You think you can fit all that in that little guestroom?" Argh.

So now I sit here in front of my laptop, pondering on that dream list I've had for quite some time now. (Actually, the one that tops that list now is to get over hell week this week. A left her math book in school today and it was too late when I found out, and too late to go retrieve it. So, yes, please let her pass tomorrow's math exam, and I'm good. LOL!)

Seriously, I wrote about my dream list for the new year, but missed out on the one thing holding me back from achieving most of those on that list - debt. I am in debt. Drowning, really, but still afloat. And only because I am alone in all these (commitments made during the time R was still here are now burdens left for me to carry). But yes, there are others in far-worse situations, I know. So yes, sometimes I wallow in self-pity and I can't help it. I can't help dwelling on the "if-onlys" and the "what-ifs". And please spare me the sermon, because I've already hit myself silly on the head.

Really, I understand where my mom is coming from. I am not her responsibility anymore. I am married with a family of my own. I don't want to burden my folks any more than I already have. But the issue she brought up was self-pity, and she knows how touchy the subject was. As much as I would have wanted to come across as strong, I just couldn't help but feel bad for myself and for my kids... (There is a lot more to this retelling, and I will keep that to myself.) It's just sometimes, things are easier said than done.

But yes, Mom. One day, I will get out of this rut. Right now, my dreams are still dreams, but then, at least the dream's still alive. I am not giving up! I will work towards achieving them and I will make you proud. Sometimes though, you just need to humor me. Because it just isn't easy being in my shoes.

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