2 Years

I haven't cried in two years. And yet, last night, I found myself in tears. There are days I feel so helpless and I cannot contain the frustration I feel about my situation. No, it is not because I want to get back with R - that right now, is farthest from my mind.

I cried out of self-pity (yes, sue me). I feel so sorry for myself. And I really just want to hit myself on the head. Why should I be the nice one? Why should I do this the right way? There are other easier ways out of this situation.

Ako ang bahala sa yo.

Those words echo in my head, and I know those are empty words given by someone so self-absorbed, it dries my throat just thinking and knowing I cannot depend on that promise.

I used to have it so easy. I had such an easy life growing up. Now, I feel as if my life is out of control. It brushes the tips of my fingers and I cannot even hold on to any of it. It is out of my hands and I can only do zilch.

~~~

I woke up puffy-eyed this morning, and got my butt off the bed 30 minutes later than usual. My car's at the shop (broke down Sunday at the mall, hence my absence from the blog - was supposed to write a few pieces Sunday evening but got home really late) so I had to wait for my brother to come get me for work.

I spoke with my mom on the subject that made me cry last night, and she was really nice about the whole thing, brushing a bit on the subject of finally getting things done.

So now, I am thinking... really, what is there to do now anyway?

Then I remember Pastor D saying, "...before you make life-changing decisions, make sure you are in the center of God's will". A-yah, Lord, why make things so difficult, la?

*sniff!*